So the truth is I've been avoiding this project. I came to a place where all I had to talk about that was real and immediate was that I was and am pregnant. But I was not ready to make that public, or make comments that would make it obvious, so I just abandoned ship. Well I'm ready for this to be real again and so I'm back, and I'll really try to keep up my nightly post.
Tonight I am feeling really inadequate. I want to know and understand how others care so much for the people around them with seeming effortlessness. I want to care for the people in my life that are around me that I love, but I truly can't figure out how to be so aware so constantly. I feel drained by doing so. I know that I need to take care of myself so that I have the resources to care for others, but putting that into practice just stalls out on me everyday.
It is really hard for me to take true care of myself. Things like getting enough sleep, exercise, and meditative time. Especially in the winter, I just crumble. I have barely enough energy to think about what tasks I need to finish just to keep people clothed and fed, let alone cared for emotionally. Yet I see others around me that are always there for the people around them. That are able to connect with their children in a meaningful and loving way, and feel gratification in doing so. I'm just trying to cope. I realize that I have a TON of catch up to do with my kids in giving them a sense that I am here and reliable and consistant, that I will love them and give them sympathy. But I am just trying to get through the day, trying to get everyone healthy at one time, and keep them that way. Once they are all well, I have about a week before we seem to start all over again. In that week I'm just trying to get the house livable again and the laundry washed enough to have clean clothes for school! I really don't know how anyone does this. I am tired yes and that is only increased by pregnancy, but I have a really hard time with taking care of myself, and getting to have just fun goof off time in there somewhere. Taking care of myself right now, if I'm really doing it, means having sleep and self care - like showering and getting moving - take priority over just getting to sit and watch a TV show. It's more important to meditate and journal, but I'm left with no time for fun, and that's really hard for me to take. I have a hard time believing that I will find meditation fun enough that I don't ever just wanna veg out.
Well anyway, I think this will have to make up for the missing month (ok more than that) and I'll get going again tomorrow with this....
