Wow! 80 days! I guess I could have gone around the world by now. I feel like I've been around the world emotionally in the last 80 days, does that count?
Today has been a blur of goodbyes and, and good times. My Dad headed out this morning, to visit my sister in Baltimore, and then straight to the airport and home. I am very grateful for the visiting I was able to share with him. I went out to breakfast with my sisters (it was all of us but two, a rare occurrence) and had a lot of fun, being silly for the most part, and getting in one last visit before Neva heads back to school. I was productive today, setting up our finances for January, and having a budget meeting with Solomon. I even wrote all the meals in January on my wall calendar, and made a shopping list from it. I now have a plan, and that feels really good!
I was almost consistent in asking Solomon to help me with things the right, and non-codependent way today! YAY! that happens so rarely, and it gives me hope that I really can learn a new habit! In the past my requests for help sounded something like this:
"Solomon, I am helping Cirdan with his shoes, and Thea is asking for an apple, so I was hoping that you could do me a HUGE favor and change Jaden's diaper. You don't have to if you don't want to, I can do it when I am done with these two, I'm just worried that he'll get a sore bottom if he is in that diaper much longer...You will??? Thank you Sooooooo Much!"
I have leaned that I do this because I do not think I am allowed to ask for help, so I don't ask, I give all the reasons why I cant do it and I want him to. I turn to manipulation so that I can have the help that I need. I have learned that I can simply say:
"Solomon would you please change Jaden's diaper? Thank you."
It is enough.
I am enough.
I am allowed to ask for help.
I am worthy of help.
I can trust Solomon to say no if he needs to.
I have the right to be less than super human, and to do less than humanly possible.
And, after all, it's a lot shorter to say... :)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Day 79
Hi, I'm Tirah, and I'm codependent.
This morning, I got very angry with the kids. I was yelling at them for just asking for my attention. It was again the low point that has lead me to try to overcome codependency. I want to treat them with the love and respect that they deserve. I was able (once I was physically apart from them) to calm myself. I became aware of the negative tape playing full blast in my head, so I very consciously started to overwrite it. I was reading a book called True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh (Tick Not Hon) this week, about meditation and mindfulness, and I followed an exercise from it. I started addressing myself as if I was still a child of 5 or 6. It was much easier to have compassion for the failings of a child who was throwing a tantrum, than to be compassionate toward my 30 year old self, who was being horrible to an actual 5 year old. By being both an adult and a child at the same time, I gained some great insights, that I have not had before. I am still trying to leave behind me the message I received as a child that I should be a good responsible girl and take care of my younger siblings. I didn't do so when I was little, and became the disobedient child because of it. Now as an adult, when I find myself in the position of needing to care for my children's possessions, I feel the same resentment.
See, the kids have toys that are not appropriate for Zoe, but they often fail to put those toys out of her reach. I, in the end, often have to step in to protect both Zoe, and the beloved toy. This gets old. Fast. I then stupidly, decide that the kids have to learn to always keep these toys away from Zoe, or lose them forever. I put the burden of perfection, and constant responsibility on them, at the tender young ages they are. I am simply perpetuating the hurt that I received.
I was able to talk to the 5 year old me, and express compassion for the feelings of hurt and anger that she had about being told to be responsible for others. I was able to acknowledge that unfairness, and agree with the desire to have the grownups help with the care of possessions. I was able to forgive myself for having a tantrum, and see that as a 5 year old, I was simply trying to tell others that it was too much of a burden for one so young.
I'm thinking in this moment, that I can express things like that now...as a child an objection like that would not have been heard at best, and have been punished at worst. Unfortunately, the fact that I am now expressing those feelings, simply passes on the hurt. By mothering myself today, I have gained a grater ability to be an adult now, and take on the task of helping the kids learn how to take care of their own things. I can even make choices about certain toys, if they are too problematic, I can choose to remove them from the kids toys, until Zoe is old enough to have them around, or even remove them forever. It may seem cruel to take away a toy, but if it is causing distress, and hurt, then it is better for it to not be around.
Anyway, I was able to salvage the day, re-record the tape, and stay in a positive self image place. :)
Thanks for listening.
This morning, I got very angry with the kids. I was yelling at them for just asking for my attention. It was again the low point that has lead me to try to overcome codependency. I want to treat them with the love and respect that they deserve. I was able (once I was physically apart from them) to calm myself. I became aware of the negative tape playing full blast in my head, so I very consciously started to overwrite it. I was reading a book called True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh (Tick Not Hon) this week, about meditation and mindfulness, and I followed an exercise from it. I started addressing myself as if I was still a child of 5 or 6. It was much easier to have compassion for the failings of a child who was throwing a tantrum, than to be compassionate toward my 30 year old self, who was being horrible to an actual 5 year old. By being both an adult and a child at the same time, I gained some great insights, that I have not had before. I am still trying to leave behind me the message I received as a child that I should be a good responsible girl and take care of my younger siblings. I didn't do so when I was little, and became the disobedient child because of it. Now as an adult, when I find myself in the position of needing to care for my children's possessions, I feel the same resentment.
See, the kids have toys that are not appropriate for Zoe, but they often fail to put those toys out of her reach. I, in the end, often have to step in to protect both Zoe, and the beloved toy. This gets old. Fast. I then stupidly, decide that the kids have to learn to always keep these toys away from Zoe, or lose them forever. I put the burden of perfection, and constant responsibility on them, at the tender young ages they are. I am simply perpetuating the hurt that I received.
I was able to talk to the 5 year old me, and express compassion for the feelings of hurt and anger that she had about being told to be responsible for others. I was able to acknowledge that unfairness, and agree with the desire to have the grownups help with the care of possessions. I was able to forgive myself for having a tantrum, and see that as a 5 year old, I was simply trying to tell others that it was too much of a burden for one so young.
I'm thinking in this moment, that I can express things like that now...as a child an objection like that would not have been heard at best, and have been punished at worst. Unfortunately, the fact that I am now expressing those feelings, simply passes on the hurt. By mothering myself today, I have gained a grater ability to be an adult now, and take on the task of helping the kids learn how to take care of their own things. I can even make choices about certain toys, if they are too problematic, I can choose to remove them from the kids toys, until Zoe is old enough to have them around, or even remove them forever. It may seem cruel to take away a toy, but if it is causing distress, and hurt, then it is better for it to not be around.
Anyway, I was able to salvage the day, re-record the tape, and stay in a positive self image place. :)
Thanks for listening.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Day 78
Hi my name is Tirah, and I'm codependent.
Tonight I am taking care of myself. I am living my right to do less than humanly possible. I am enough, and sometimes, I have to let the children have less of me for the night. When I have a better sense of boundaries, and can hang onto my own inner peace amidst all the moments of caring for them, then I can be a present loving mother. Tonight, I had to leave early and let them get settled on their own. I could not be present as loving and compassionate mother. I was a little girl, frustrated that she had to be in charge, and responsible, when no one seems to care about her or what she wants or what makes her feel safe, loved and happy. So I left, and I went to care for the little girl with me, who needed to know that she is loved, and is allowed to care for her own needs, and that she is safe and in the care of her higher power. I cared for her, and gave her constant reassurance that she is wonderful and special, and valuable, priceless, in fact! I have encountered a new idea today, the idea is that all negative feelings need to be mothered. When I am feeling sad, or angry, or lonely, or any other negative emotion, I first just feel the emotion. That is very hard! I had a lot of practice this afternoon, and it was incredible, how hard it was just to stay in that sad place. The next part is to mother that feeling. put another way, I picture myself as a little child, and comfort that suffering little child. I was sad, and feeling worthless, so while holding that feeling in my consciousness, I began thinking like a loving mother, caring for her child who is hurt by mean words from people she loves. I told her that she is priceless, and not for anything she does, but just because she is. She was created by God and is not a mistake, but an angel in the making. It is Ok to be sad I said, we all feel sad sometimes. But it's ok to be happy too, and you are allowed to love yourself and take care of yourself too.
I have a long path to walk before I am really loving myself, and heal all the hurt from a little girl who didn't hear the message for some reason, that she is great, just because she is.
Thanks for listening.
Tonight I am taking care of myself. I am living my right to do less than humanly possible. I am enough, and sometimes, I have to let the children have less of me for the night. When I have a better sense of boundaries, and can hang onto my own inner peace amidst all the moments of caring for them, then I can be a present loving mother. Tonight, I had to leave early and let them get settled on their own. I could not be present as loving and compassionate mother. I was a little girl, frustrated that she had to be in charge, and responsible, when no one seems to care about her or what she wants or what makes her feel safe, loved and happy. So I left, and I went to care for the little girl with me, who needed to know that she is loved, and is allowed to care for her own needs, and that she is safe and in the care of her higher power. I cared for her, and gave her constant reassurance that she is wonderful and special, and valuable, priceless, in fact! I have encountered a new idea today, the idea is that all negative feelings need to be mothered. When I am feeling sad, or angry, or lonely, or any other negative emotion, I first just feel the emotion. That is very hard! I had a lot of practice this afternoon, and it was incredible, how hard it was just to stay in that sad place. The next part is to mother that feeling. put another way, I picture myself as a little child, and comfort that suffering little child. I was sad, and feeling worthless, so while holding that feeling in my consciousness, I began thinking like a loving mother, caring for her child who is hurt by mean words from people she loves. I told her that she is priceless, and not for anything she does, but just because she is. She was created by God and is not a mistake, but an angel in the making. It is Ok to be sad I said, we all feel sad sometimes. But it's ok to be happy too, and you are allowed to love yourself and take care of yourself too.
I have a long path to walk before I am really loving myself, and heal all the hurt from a little girl who didn't hear the message for some reason, that she is great, just because she is.
Thanks for listening.
Day 77
I have been doing a good job of not medicating with TV or talk radio, or novels. I have had a couple hard days in a row, not feeling happy or finding the fun and joy in my existence. But I faced those feelings. I felt them, and acknowledged them. Sometimes I was good at loving myself through the feelings, sometimes I was not able to do so. But I did not hide them from myself or others. I have simply been existing. I have not felt like these have been wonderful successful days, but I have gained another perspective on them now. I am honoring myself for the effort it took to feel as much as I did. I'm sure there was more I could have felt, but I felt a great deal, and faced my feelings and acknowledged them in a way that I don't often do. I am feeling loving toward myself tonight. I am so grateful for this.
One of many things I became aware of tonight, is how I feel about and around money. I do not feel valuable enough to spend money on. I do spend money on myself, but usually it is with a heavy dose of guilt. As a child I developed an idea that my parents didn't want to spend much money on me because I didn't please them enough to be worthy of spending the money on me. My older sister who was helpful and useful to the family was worthy of having money spent on her, but I was an escape artist, who did all in my power to get out of any responsibility, so investing money in getting things for me was a waste. The other side of it was that I thought that when my parents did spend money on me, I should settle for the cheapest version of whatever the gift was, because if I was a frugal daughter, they would love me more. I look back on that little girl, and feel so sad for her. She completely misunderstood her place in life and in her family. Her parents loved her very much, and it had no relevance or relationship with how much she did for them. By not asking for more expensive things, she was not allowing her parents to show her the full extent of their feelings for her, and she could continue to believe that she was a victim of her life.
I was loved, and I was worthy of time, attention, and money spent. I am loved, and I am worthy of time, attention, and money spent. I can go back, and provide for myself the nurturing that I feel I have missed. That I helped deprive myself of.
One of many things I became aware of tonight, is how I feel about and around money. I do not feel valuable enough to spend money on. I do spend money on myself, but usually it is with a heavy dose of guilt. As a child I developed an idea that my parents didn't want to spend much money on me because I didn't please them enough to be worthy of spending the money on me. My older sister who was helpful and useful to the family was worthy of having money spent on her, but I was an escape artist, who did all in my power to get out of any responsibility, so investing money in getting things for me was a waste. The other side of it was that I thought that when my parents did spend money on me, I should settle for the cheapest version of whatever the gift was, because if I was a frugal daughter, they would love me more. I look back on that little girl, and feel so sad for her. She completely misunderstood her place in life and in her family. Her parents loved her very much, and it had no relevance or relationship with how much she did for them. By not asking for more expensive things, she was not allowing her parents to show her the full extent of their feelings for her, and she could continue to believe that she was a victim of her life.
I was loved, and I was worthy of time, attention, and money spent. I am loved, and I am worthy of time, attention, and money spent. I can go back, and provide for myself the nurturing that I feel I have missed. That I helped deprive myself of.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Day 76
The day started earlier than I wanted it to, but that is not uncommon. I was up waaaay too late, and then of course the kids were ready to rise and shine at 6:45. So I started the day a bit grumpy. I'm trying to figure out how to start with a better attitude no matter what is going on. To have a positive tape running in my head under any circumstances. *sigh* I have been feeling like I would be happier if I could begin my day with meditation and exercise (I'm thinking things like yoga), but to do that and make sure that I get it, I would have to get up at about 5:30 am. I am not prepared to do that at this point. I would have to get to bed by about 10 pm every night, without fail. I can't count on that.
So I have to work to find something to meet my needs and fit within my life.
Taking care of myself is hard. Today I had a great conversation with my dad about self loathing, and how that manifests in my life. His insights were really helpful. I am going to try to consciously give myself permission to feel how I feel at any given moment. My attitude so far has been to observe how I feel, and if it is not a positive feeling, to try to change how I feel. I am grateful for the wisdom from my dad, that I could instead notice my feelings, and own them, and be OK with how I am feeling. To notice those feelings, and hold them, and not judge myself for them. I can be angry with the kids, and even track the source of the anger. But I can also just feel the feelings, and hold that in my heart; I can say to myself, "Tirah I hear that you are feeling angry, and I love you. I'm sorry you are feeling angry, it's OK and you are allowed to feel angry, you are still a wonderful, priceless creation."
I hope that by validating my own feelings I can nurture myself in a way that I somehow missed as a child. My longer term goal is to become a more nurturing mother to my children, and do my best to nurture them the way I was not.
Just so I remember: I admit that I am powerless over others, and my life is unmanageable.
So I have to work to find something to meet my needs and fit within my life.
Taking care of myself is hard. Today I had a great conversation with my dad about self loathing, and how that manifests in my life. His insights were really helpful. I am going to try to consciously give myself permission to feel how I feel at any given moment. My attitude so far has been to observe how I feel, and if it is not a positive feeling, to try to change how I feel. I am grateful for the wisdom from my dad, that I could instead notice my feelings, and own them, and be OK with how I am feeling. To notice those feelings, and hold them, and not judge myself for them. I can be angry with the kids, and even track the source of the anger. But I can also just feel the feelings, and hold that in my heart; I can say to myself, "Tirah I hear that you are feeling angry, and I love you. I'm sorry you are feeling angry, it's OK and you are allowed to feel angry, you are still a wonderful, priceless creation."
I hope that by validating my own feelings I can nurture myself in a way that I somehow missed as a child. My longer term goal is to become a more nurturing mother to my children, and do my best to nurture them the way I was not.
Just so I remember: I admit that I am powerless over others, and my life is unmanageable.
Day 75
Merry Christmas! This has been one of the most peaceful Christmases I have known for years. It's been a low budget year, and we had to keep the gift giving to a minimum. Yet the kids had more fun opening their three gifts each (that included gifts from extended family) than I think they have had in past years. I had some really great moments of self awareness that I am really grateful for. I had asked for help in cleaning up the kitchen after the big breakfast that we had this morning. I had some help with making breakfast, but I mostly did the work myself (which is fine, I wanted it that way, I love cooking). I asked that people help clean up, and I thought I had made it clear that I was hoping for a clean kitchen with dishes washed (even the hand washing). I found that I was not clear, because the minimum was done rather than the whole job. I was having an internal dialogue, trying to figure out what to do about this, when Solomon asked me how I was doing. I talked it out a bit, and he asked what was wrong with asking for help with it, I replied that I had already asked for help, and felt mean asking for more. My brother, and Solomon helped me see that my message had not been as clear as I had thought, and they thought they had done as much as I wanted done. So in the end they cleaned the kitchen until it sparkled! Then I dove in to Christmas dinner cooking and had a wonderful time!
Today is day 2 without TV shows. So far I am missing it, but finding it fairly easy to dismiss the craving. I am enjoying the increased self awareness that I was hoping to gain. It has helped me immensely in hearing my inner tape, and making sure it is a positive message.
On another note, I feel that I did not have the best of integrity this evening as we hung out and visited, and I wish I had done better. I want to learn to have grater compassion for others, and acknowledge that they have their own path, and not try to control their life from afar. It is amazing how easy it is for me point out Codependency in others and not see it in myself in the moment. I know that happens for everyone, but I really want to get better about that. This is going to be a busy week for me, and I am going to have to really work hard to stay conscious of my own thoughts and feelings.
Today is day 2 without TV shows. So far I am missing it, but finding it fairly easy to dismiss the craving. I am enjoying the increased self awareness that I was hoping to gain. It has helped me immensely in hearing my inner tape, and making sure it is a positive message.
On another note, I feel that I did not have the best of integrity this evening as we hung out and visited, and I wish I had done better. I want to learn to have grater compassion for others, and acknowledge that they have their own path, and not try to control their life from afar. It is amazing how easy it is for me point out Codependency in others and not see it in myself in the moment. I know that happens for everyone, but I really want to get better about that. This is going to be a busy week for me, and I am going to have to really work hard to stay conscious of my own thoughts and feelings.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Day 74
Today started out earlier than I wanted it to, and I feared that I wold have a lousy day because of it. I am grateful that I was able to remember that I can choose to have a good day. I remembered to think positive thoughts about myself. I didn't watch any TV and I felt present all day! I was able to be very independent today, I had lots of things to do, but I only did what I could do cheerfully. That feels so good! To only do what I felt good doing, and not feel guilty about the rest! Hooray! Tomorrow is going to be busy and hectic, but I pray that I will be able to find the inner peace I had today. I cannot control others, not even a little. I can have sympathy, acknowledge feelings and then move on, and check in on my own feelings.
I did quite a lot of christmas prep today, pre mixing the green bean salad, and making the trifle. Tomorrow morning we are going to have a big pancake breakfast, with all the fixings. Hash browns, bacon, OJ, and eggs. I'm looking forward to it, and happy that this wonderful family group that is here for it, seems happy to pitch in when it's time to clean up! Yay! Tonight as Solomon and I put the kids to bed, My brother and sisters vacuumed the living room, and cleaned the kitchen! It was so helpful. They had asked Solomon what they could help with and that's what Solomon asked them to do, and I am so grateful that they were willing.
Now I will have to see if Zoe sleeps well tonight, she's already been awake twice, and just now cried out, but resettled herself.
Please Lord keep close by me tomorrow. I really want to be healthy and independent tomorrow.
Oh and Merry Christmas Everyone!
I did quite a lot of christmas prep today, pre mixing the green bean salad, and making the trifle. Tomorrow morning we are going to have a big pancake breakfast, with all the fixings. Hash browns, bacon, OJ, and eggs. I'm looking forward to it, and happy that this wonderful family group that is here for it, seems happy to pitch in when it's time to clean up! Yay! Tonight as Solomon and I put the kids to bed, My brother and sisters vacuumed the living room, and cleaned the kitchen! It was so helpful. They had asked Solomon what they could help with and that's what Solomon asked them to do, and I am so grateful that they were willing.
Now I will have to see if Zoe sleeps well tonight, she's already been awake twice, and just now cried out, but resettled herself.
Please Lord keep close by me tomorrow. I really want to be healthy and independent tomorrow.
Oh and Merry Christmas Everyone!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Day 73
My self awareness is growing, but my self value is still stunted. Today I basically stayed in the kitchen preparing for Christmas, but I did it without thinking. I was aware of my choices several times today, but all I managed to feel was guilt, and self loathing. I was trying to have a good and productive day, taking care of myself. I flubbed it. I'm not exactly sure why. I found the kids annoying and in my way, Solomon was very tired all day, and that meant that I should have been taking the lead on all child care, yet I only did as much as I absolutely had to.
I refused Zoe, who would come into the kitchen and raise her arms to me and vocalize in her adorable way asking me to hold her. I just couldn't. I was totally falling into the mentality of life happening to me all day today. Everyone was doing what they were doing, in order to make my life difficult.
This is so frustrating to observe myself still seeing my life in this way. I don't like it that I can be so controlling, and yet still see myself as the victim! It's so sick, and I want to be done with it.
I have sich a hard time finding that first step.
I admit that I have no control over others, that my life has become unmanageable. But again, how does that fit into caring for children?
I have to care for myself, and if I can do that then I can take care of others. If I live in the frame of mind, that I know I have no control over others, then I remember to care for myself, and change the only thing I do have any power over.
So today, I could have done things differently. I think one big thing I need to become more aware of, is my choice to watch TV on the laptop, while doing tasks in the kitchen. It numbs me, it mufles my inner voice. I can't hear my real thoughts so I can't make good choices. It really does act like a drug or alcohol.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I am not going to watch any TV, online or otherwise, for the next month, until January 24th. At that point I can re-assess and decide what I want to do.
I can listen to music, and find other forms of entertainment, but not TV. Perhaps this will give me some of the quiet space in my head that I need to hear my own thoughts clearly.
I have to find forgiveness for myself in myself. I am a baby at this, learning to walk. No one scolds a baby for falling as they are learning, so I should not scold myself either!
I refused Zoe, who would come into the kitchen and raise her arms to me and vocalize in her adorable way asking me to hold her. I just couldn't. I was totally falling into the mentality of life happening to me all day today. Everyone was doing what they were doing, in order to make my life difficult.
This is so frustrating to observe myself still seeing my life in this way. I don't like it that I can be so controlling, and yet still see myself as the victim! It's so sick, and I want to be done with it.
I have sich a hard time finding that first step.
I admit that I have no control over others, that my life has become unmanageable. But again, how does that fit into caring for children?
I have to care for myself, and if I can do that then I can take care of others. If I live in the frame of mind, that I know I have no control over others, then I remember to care for myself, and change the only thing I do have any power over.
So today, I could have done things differently. I think one big thing I need to become more aware of, is my choice to watch TV on the laptop, while doing tasks in the kitchen. It numbs me, it mufles my inner voice. I can't hear my real thoughts so I can't make good choices. It really does act like a drug or alcohol.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I am not going to watch any TV, online or otherwise, for the next month, until January 24th. At that point I can re-assess and decide what I want to do.
I can listen to music, and find other forms of entertainment, but not TV. Perhaps this will give me some of the quiet space in my head that I need to hear my own thoughts clearly.
I have to find forgiveness for myself in myself. I am a baby at this, learning to walk. No one scolds a baby for falling as they are learning, so I should not scold myself either!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Day 72
Today has been a nice day for the most part... Solomon is feeling almost all the way better, and he gave me a wonderful gift of sleeping in this morning! But then the crew that is fixing the roof of our neighbors arrived just as I was drifting back to sleep, and banged away right outside our window! :) figures!
It's OK though, Zoe didn't wake up once, no child called me as they threw up (because no one threw up!) everyone slept. Ahhhhhhh, I repeat :)
So instead of sleeping I watched a TV show, and relaxed. I was doing a good job of feeling good about taking time for myself, when all of a sudden I started feeling guilty. I started coming up with reasons why I was justified in taking the time to do something as silly and wasteful as watch TV. I was thinking of ways to tell Solomon that I had not slept, but had not come to help with kids either. And even considering not telling him that I had in fact been awake! I was getting defensive, and I had not even seen another member of the family yet!
I caught myself though, and realized that I normally make excuses for why I need to take time for myself, but it is with a ton of guilt and self loathing heaped on, so I don't actually get to enjoy myself, or feel good about taking care of myself! Super stupid!
But because I saw and heard what I was doing to myself, I stopped and reframed it. I remembered that I do not have to feel guilty about taking care of myself. I am worth the care. I remembered that if I don't love myself that I can't love my family. I remembered that it's not selfish to start the day with joy and a sense of value. That when I feel good and happy, that my whole family benefits. That the real selfishness would be to go into my day feeling bad about myself and taking that to the rest of the house. So I came out of it, and felt much better for quite a while.
It wasn't a perfect day by any stretch. But it was productive. I did laundry, made Christmas cookies with the kids, finished making the Christmas gifts for each kid, and made chicken soup for dinner. I thought ahead a bit about plans for Christmas eve and Christmas day, and made some pre-prep for all the cooking. And I had some good connections with each of the kids. It was not intentionally a task I gave myself, but I do think that I had at least one positive exchange with each of them.
Progress not perfection!
It's OK though, Zoe didn't wake up once, no child called me as they threw up (because no one threw up!) everyone slept. Ahhhhhhh, I repeat :)
So instead of sleeping I watched a TV show, and relaxed. I was doing a good job of feeling good about taking time for myself, when all of a sudden I started feeling guilty. I started coming up with reasons why I was justified in taking the time to do something as silly and wasteful as watch TV. I was thinking of ways to tell Solomon that I had not slept, but had not come to help with kids either. And even considering not telling him that I had in fact been awake! I was getting defensive, and I had not even seen another member of the family yet!
I caught myself though, and realized that I normally make excuses for why I need to take time for myself, but it is with a ton of guilt and self loathing heaped on, so I don't actually get to enjoy myself, or feel good about taking care of myself! Super stupid!
But because I saw and heard what I was doing to myself, I stopped and reframed it. I remembered that I do not have to feel guilty about taking care of myself. I am worth the care. I remembered that if I don't love myself that I can't love my family. I remembered that it's not selfish to start the day with joy and a sense of value. That when I feel good and happy, that my whole family benefits. That the real selfishness would be to go into my day feeling bad about myself and taking that to the rest of the house. So I came out of it, and felt much better for quite a while.
It wasn't a perfect day by any stretch. But it was productive. I did laundry, made Christmas cookies with the kids, finished making the Christmas gifts for each kid, and made chicken soup for dinner. I thought ahead a bit about plans for Christmas eve and Christmas day, and made some pre-prep for all the cooking. And I had some good connections with each of the kids. It was not intentionally a task I gave myself, but I do think that I had at least one positive exchange with each of them.
Progress not perfection!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Day 71
Today I made a choice. It was a frustrating day. One by one, we are all getting a yucky stomach bug, and Thea has just gotten it for the second time! This has left me in a panic that we will stay sick with it forever! caught in a perpetual illness cycle of vomit and headaches to eternity! I don't wanna!!! I want to be finished!
So that led to the choice to spend today cleaning the house. I almost completely ignored the kids, and tried to get a hold on the laundry and the kitchen. I vacuumed in the living room, did the dishes, put away about 12 loads of clean laundry, saw to it that the dirty laundry got sorted into colors, and ran four loads. I plan to out in one more load before I go to bed.
I got a lot done, but that meant that I didn't care for the kids at all really. This was hard on them, and made getting things done difficult. By the early afternoon, I was feeling really bad about myself and the decision I had made, yet very task oriented non the less. I was cranky at the kids, and that made me feel even worse about myself and my decision. It was only after the fact that I realized what I was doing to cope. I turned on the TV show Bones, and watched as I did the dishes. It meant that I was slower at getting them done, but it helped muffle the voice in my head telling me that I am a lousy human being and a mean neglectful mother.
Here's the thing though...I am not being bad to get the house clean and the germs eliminated! I am working hard to care for this family! For this day it meant that I was not being caretaker as top priority. I was choosing to spend a day getting caught up in the cleanliness of the household! I made that choice to help us all get well and stay well. But I feel like a monster when I am cranky with the kids, and having a drive to get so much done, really added to my monster-ish-ness. I get easily pulled into hating myself. It's really easy for the forces of evil, to convince me that I am a failure, and will never be enough or do enough.
I was trying to hang onto bits and pieces of self worth, and when I found a quiet moment to think, I was able to give myself a talking to (out loud was really helpful), reminding myself that I am enough. I might not be able to do everything, but I am always enough. That will always be true.
So that led to the choice to spend today cleaning the house. I almost completely ignored the kids, and tried to get a hold on the laundry and the kitchen. I vacuumed in the living room, did the dishes, put away about 12 loads of clean laundry, saw to it that the dirty laundry got sorted into colors, and ran four loads. I plan to out in one more load before I go to bed.
I got a lot done, but that meant that I didn't care for the kids at all really. This was hard on them, and made getting things done difficult. By the early afternoon, I was feeling really bad about myself and the decision I had made, yet very task oriented non the less. I was cranky at the kids, and that made me feel even worse about myself and my decision. It was only after the fact that I realized what I was doing to cope. I turned on the TV show Bones, and watched as I did the dishes. It meant that I was slower at getting them done, but it helped muffle the voice in my head telling me that I am a lousy human being and a mean neglectful mother.
Here's the thing though...I am not being bad to get the house clean and the germs eliminated! I am working hard to care for this family! For this day it meant that I was not being caretaker as top priority. I was choosing to spend a day getting caught up in the cleanliness of the household! I made that choice to help us all get well and stay well. But I feel like a monster when I am cranky with the kids, and having a drive to get so much done, really added to my monster-ish-ness. I get easily pulled into hating myself. It's really easy for the forces of evil, to convince me that I am a failure, and will never be enough or do enough.
I was trying to hang onto bits and pieces of self worth, and when I found a quiet moment to think, I was able to give myself a talking to (out loud was really helpful), reminding myself that I am enough. I might not be able to do everything, but I am always enough. That will always be true.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Day 70!
70 days of this...I am feeling the value of this daily reflection. It is keeping me in line a bit anyway. I need to repeat my task to myself more often...
I admit that I am powerless over others; that my life is unmanageable.
This is such a meaning filled sentence. There is so much I could reflect on based on it.
The main thing is that I want to repeat it to myself with meaning so many times that I really do live in an awareness of this sentence. I am powerless over others. I really am. I think that I can control my kids, but the reality is that I can motivate them, if I am working in a positive way, or I can bully them from a negative place. I want to motivate and inspire. That is the place I want to live.
A friend gave me an analogy that is really wonderful, and I want to integrate it into my daily thinking.
When a baby is learning to walk, they take a step, and fall, then they try again, perhaps taking a few steps before they fall. If they are like my kids, they then take a break from trying to walk for a few days. But they get back to it and manage a little bit more each time they try. Now as a parent, I watch them learn, with excitement, joy, pride, fear of injury etc. But I would never scold them for falling. I would encourage and reassure, check for injury, and praise for efforts made.
I realize on a new level, that I need to treat myself that way, as I learn new habits. I will fall, I will regress, and from my point of view, fail. But to scold myself, and say mean things, like "you idiot!" "when will you figure this out!?" "you did it again! you messed up!" "you are such a bad mother!" is mean and abusive to myself. I must stop.
I stumble, I fall, I get frustrated, when I feel like I'm not making progress. But just like those babies, I can walk, I'm just still learning how. I should be encouraging myself, and feeling proud and successful when I know I did well, and took a few steps toward independence. I can succeed!
I admit that I am powerless over others; that my life is unmanageable.
This is such a meaning filled sentence. There is so much I could reflect on based on it.
The main thing is that I want to repeat it to myself with meaning so many times that I really do live in an awareness of this sentence. I am powerless over others. I really am. I think that I can control my kids, but the reality is that I can motivate them, if I am working in a positive way, or I can bully them from a negative place. I want to motivate and inspire. That is the place I want to live.
A friend gave me an analogy that is really wonderful, and I want to integrate it into my daily thinking.
When a baby is learning to walk, they take a step, and fall, then they try again, perhaps taking a few steps before they fall. If they are like my kids, they then take a break from trying to walk for a few days. But they get back to it and manage a little bit more each time they try. Now as a parent, I watch them learn, with excitement, joy, pride, fear of injury etc. But I would never scold them for falling. I would encourage and reassure, check for injury, and praise for efforts made.
I realize on a new level, that I need to treat myself that way, as I learn new habits. I will fall, I will regress, and from my point of view, fail. But to scold myself, and say mean things, like "you idiot!" "when will you figure this out!?" "you did it again! you messed up!" "you are such a bad mother!" is mean and abusive to myself. I must stop.
I stumble, I fall, I get frustrated, when I feel like I'm not making progress. But just like those babies, I can walk, I'm just still learning how. I should be encouraging myself, and feeling proud and successful when I know I did well, and took a few steps toward independence. I can succeed!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Day 69
Last night Zoe slept very badly; I, on the other hand, got a good night sleep. That was because Solomon got up with her and re-settled her every time. I am grateful. That though contributed to Solomon being in a bad mood this morning. It happened that the kids woke up around 6:30, and Solomon went in to try to get them to go back to sleep just a little longer. He finally gave up, and they were up for the day. But that whole time I was still in bed and sleeping. I was finally out of bed around 7:45.
Now the tendency in this circumstance, is for me to feel guilty and join Solomon in feeling bad and grumpy. First I feel guilty, and try to fix Solomon's mood; When that fails - as it always does - I shift to feeling defensive, and from there jump right to angry. Then I get critical, and accusatory, and just plain mean. I am so grateful to the Lord, for leading me to the program that can help me change my behavior! Today, I dismissed the feelings of guilt. I acknowledged that I was feeling guilty, and recognized that going into a bad mood would not help Solomon feel better. I was able to remember that I cannot change Solomon's feelings, so I din't try. Thanks to that we had an OK morning. The kids and I were fairly happy and cheerful, and together (mostly me and Solomon) we cleaned the whole first floor! This includes the living room, diningroom, kitchen and front hallway. Quite a lot of work, but we did an awesome job of it, and Solomon said that getting that done left him feeling more at ease than before.
Then we were blessed by my brother in law, offering to watch the kids while we went on a walk together. It was wonderful, we went out for probably an hour, and had a lovely time. By the time we had been out for 10 minutes, Solomon was cracking jokes and teasing me. It was such a relief to hear him happy. It was amazing to know that nothing I had done, had changed his mood. He had taken care of himself, and he felt better now. That helps me so much to feel and know that I made the right choice when I rejected the guilt. Solomon really is a capable adult who can take care of himself, and I can respect him, and not treat him like a child.
This feels so much better than codependency. Thank you Lord. :)
Now the tendency in this circumstance, is for me to feel guilty and join Solomon in feeling bad and grumpy. First I feel guilty, and try to fix Solomon's mood; When that fails - as it always does - I shift to feeling defensive, and from there jump right to angry. Then I get critical, and accusatory, and just plain mean. I am so grateful to the Lord, for leading me to the program that can help me change my behavior! Today, I dismissed the feelings of guilt. I acknowledged that I was feeling guilty, and recognized that going into a bad mood would not help Solomon feel better. I was able to remember that I cannot change Solomon's feelings, so I din't try. Thanks to that we had an OK morning. The kids and I were fairly happy and cheerful, and together (mostly me and Solomon) we cleaned the whole first floor! This includes the living room, diningroom, kitchen and front hallway. Quite a lot of work, but we did an awesome job of it, and Solomon said that getting that done left him feeling more at ease than before.
Then we were blessed by my brother in law, offering to watch the kids while we went on a walk together. It was wonderful, we went out for probably an hour, and had a lovely time. By the time we had been out for 10 minutes, Solomon was cracking jokes and teasing me. It was such a relief to hear him happy. It was amazing to know that nothing I had done, had changed his mood. He had taken care of himself, and he felt better now. That helps me so much to feel and know that I made the right choice when I rejected the guilt. Solomon really is a capable adult who can take care of himself, and I can respect him, and not treat him like a child.
This feels so much better than codependency. Thank you Lord. :)
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Day 68
This morning was a busy one. My sister is visiting for the holidays, and she got sick this morning. so I was trying to find things to help her, and help Solomon with the kids simultaneously. Solomon pretty much took on the kid things, and I did a few backup things. I was able to keep calm for the most part.
My successes today: I took time for myself, to do things that I enjoy. I handeld several tantrum moments with patience. And the Biggest, was when we didn't go to the Christmas party that we were all looking forward to, I tempered the hour long storm from the kids, with patience and sympathy.
My not so much successes today: I did not communicate with Solomon clearly about each of us taking time for fun things. There were a few occasions when I put watching TV above the kids needs.
Overall I am happy with how I did today, but there will always be room for improvement. I noticed an urge to be codependent with Solomon, when he was feeling angry about having to miss the party, because the kids were behaving so badly. I wanted to help him feel better, a good motive, but I had to work really hard to not go into fix it mode. I had to remind myself severa times that I cannot Control his feelings. Even if I want to change how he feels for his sake, getting caught up in an illusion that I can change his feelings, is not the healthy path I want to go down. I think that in the end I was pretty good about not trying to change his feelings. I asked if he wanted to talk, and I listened with compassion, giving validation for his feelings, and letting him know that I share the frustrations. Then we moved on and watched a funny TV show that we like. Solomon did a really amazing job of not getting codependent either, neither one of us pointed fingers or gave advice (that one is really hard for me), and I'm really grateful for this go round. It feels like we both handeld the evening in a not codependent way! That's really exciting to me!
My successes today: I took time for myself, to do things that I enjoy. I handeld several tantrum moments with patience. And the Biggest, was when we didn't go to the Christmas party that we were all looking forward to, I tempered the hour long storm from the kids, with patience and sympathy.
My not so much successes today: I did not communicate with Solomon clearly about each of us taking time for fun things. There were a few occasions when I put watching TV above the kids needs.
Overall I am happy with how I did today, but there will always be room for improvement. I noticed an urge to be codependent with Solomon, when he was feeling angry about having to miss the party, because the kids were behaving so badly. I wanted to help him feel better, a good motive, but I had to work really hard to not go into fix it mode. I had to remind myself severa times that I cannot Control his feelings. Even if I want to change how he feels for his sake, getting caught up in an illusion that I can change his feelings, is not the healthy path I want to go down. I think that in the end I was pretty good about not trying to change his feelings. I asked if he wanted to talk, and I listened with compassion, giving validation for his feelings, and letting him know that I share the frustrations. Then we moved on and watched a funny TV show that we like. Solomon did a really amazing job of not getting codependent either, neither one of us pointed fingers or gave advice (that one is really hard for me), and I'm really grateful for this go round. It feels like we both handeld the evening in a not codependent way! That's really exciting to me!
Day 67
Today was the too cute for words Christmas program at the elementary school where my older two children are students. It was delightful! It was hard, in that taking care of Jaden was challenging. He had the hardest time paying attention to the program, and was ready to go home about 15 minutes into it. But we got through it. I did threaten him with taking him to the car and leaving him if he couldn't be quiet....not sure that was so smart. It was a totally empty threat, but I should not use empty threats, and that was a particularly mean one. The problem is that in the moment it's hard to think of something reasonable to threaten with, and it works, which unfortunately makes me more prone to do it again in the future....Note to self...figure this out...
The aftermath as I call it is not so fun. The kids are so excited from all the activity that they are basket cases when we get home! They turn into little whine machines, and I don't like it. But I got through it, noticing my feelings fairly well along the way. I'm really tired now because we went out with some good friends for dinner and a movie tonight, which was lots of fun!
I need to ponder something here: I cannot control others, I must learn this. Yet I also feel obligated to provide information that I see is needed. I cannot control the reception of the information, but I can give it. Is that OK? I think it is, but it's hard to figure out right now. If I know something, and I don't offer that information when I can see it is needed, isn't that neglecting my loved ones? If I offer it, when asked that seems OK, but what if it is not directly asked for? if it is asked in a general way, and I offer more than was asked for is that OK? I know that I am not supposed to offer advice, or preach, yet I find myself doing exactly that frequently. But I can think of many times in my life, that someone speaking up has made a huge impact on my life, and I am so grateful for their information. There are other times that people spoke up, but I was not willing to hear them, and ignored them so throughly that I don't remember them saying anything at all. Where are the boundaries? I have to reflect more on that one...
Goodnight.
The aftermath as I call it is not so fun. The kids are so excited from all the activity that they are basket cases when we get home! They turn into little whine machines, and I don't like it. But I got through it, noticing my feelings fairly well along the way. I'm really tired now because we went out with some good friends for dinner and a movie tonight, which was lots of fun!
I need to ponder something here: I cannot control others, I must learn this. Yet I also feel obligated to provide information that I see is needed. I cannot control the reception of the information, but I can give it. Is that OK? I think it is, but it's hard to figure out right now. If I know something, and I don't offer that information when I can see it is needed, isn't that neglecting my loved ones? If I offer it, when asked that seems OK, but what if it is not directly asked for? if it is asked in a general way, and I offer more than was asked for is that OK? I know that I am not supposed to offer advice, or preach, yet I find myself doing exactly that frequently. But I can think of many times in my life, that someone speaking up has made a huge impact on my life, and I am so grateful for their information. There are other times that people spoke up, but I was not willing to hear them, and ignored them so throughly that I don't remember them saying anything at all. Where are the boundaries? I have to reflect more on that one...
Goodnight.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Day 66
I gave all the kids baths today. I don't to it very often. This is multi-causal. For one, we have discovered that they have very sensitive skin, and frequent bathing leads to rashes on tender parts of their skin, like behind the knees, inside elbows and behind ears. Then there's the other reason: Now the bath in general is fine, they love playing in the water, with the bubbles, and all that good stuff. The stressful part is when it is time to actually clean them off. The hair is the really hard part. It's pouring water over their heads that is really hard for them. A little water running down their faces and they panic. I remember feeling the same way as a kid, and now I know what it must have been like for my parents (sorry Dad). It is very difficult to clean a child when they scream and fling themselves around at the slightest trickle on the forehead. No amount of reassurance seems to help. Fortunately Cirdan and Thea have reached a wonderful age, when they can lean back and lie into the bath water and rinse their hair themselves. Jaden is ok, he can usually be persuaded to get through it with only a little screaming. Zoe is too young for me to be able to explain that if she will only look up and keep looking up, that I can pour the water down the back of her head, and it won't get in her eyes. Instead I just have to cause trauma for a few seconds every time I give her a bath, while I rinse the soap out of her hair.
It is probably unnecessary to mention that I don't like having to do all this in the first place. Tonight was no exception. Cirdan was the one that was the biggest challenge tonight. He and I were not understanding one another. He got his hair wet by himself, then he put the soap in on his own as well, so far it's going great! He did an ok job of washing all his hair, but I had to assist in getting the soap onto the sides of his head. Then when it was time to rinse, Cirdan jumped right in, starting with the sides, and then when I tried to tell him he had to rise the rest too, our communication broke down. I don't know what he though I was asking him to do, but I thought he was telling me that he couldn't rinse the rest by himself. I then decided to go back to me rinsing his hair, because he was not having much success with his own method. But he screamed and cried at the little trickle that fell down his face, when he lowered his head. Anyway, I had to get him calm, and for once I feel good about how I did with that task. I stopped what I was doing and listened attentively, and dare I say patiently, while he explained that he really wanted to skip this part of the deal, and just not rinse his hair. We talked for a bit longer on the subject, and I came to see that he had wanted to rinse his hair himself all along. So I let him go back the the first plan, and for the most part his hairs is clean and soap free. Really it's clean and mostly soap free, but I'll take it :)
I pampered myself a bit today. They were having a bag sale at my local thrift shop. $5/bag. So I got 2 bags loaded with clothes and shoes. 2 pairs of boots, 3 pairs of pants, several shirts and sweaters later, I have a few great outfits, for only pennies each! Yay! I had bought a little makeup a couple days ago, and between the new outfits and the makeup, I was feeling comfortable and beautiful. I took time to take care of myself, and felt much better for it. Thanks to feeling good about myself, I was able to take much better care of the kids. I enjoyed that.
It is probably unnecessary to mention that I don't like having to do all this in the first place. Tonight was no exception. Cirdan was the one that was the biggest challenge tonight. He and I were not understanding one another. He got his hair wet by himself, then he put the soap in on his own as well, so far it's going great! He did an ok job of washing all his hair, but I had to assist in getting the soap onto the sides of his head. Then when it was time to rinse, Cirdan jumped right in, starting with the sides, and then when I tried to tell him he had to rise the rest too, our communication broke down. I don't know what he though I was asking him to do, but I thought he was telling me that he couldn't rinse the rest by himself. I then decided to go back to me rinsing his hair, because he was not having much success with his own method. But he screamed and cried at the little trickle that fell down his face, when he lowered his head. Anyway, I had to get him calm, and for once I feel good about how I did with that task. I stopped what I was doing and listened attentively, and dare I say patiently, while he explained that he really wanted to skip this part of the deal, and just not rinse his hair. We talked for a bit longer on the subject, and I came to see that he had wanted to rinse his hair himself all along. So I let him go back the the first plan, and for the most part his hairs is clean and soap free. Really it's clean and mostly soap free, but I'll take it :)
I pampered myself a bit today. They were having a bag sale at my local thrift shop. $5/bag. So I got 2 bags loaded with clothes and shoes. 2 pairs of boots, 3 pairs of pants, several shirts and sweaters later, I have a few great outfits, for only pennies each! Yay! I had bought a little makeup a couple days ago, and between the new outfits and the makeup, I was feeling comfortable and beautiful. I took time to take care of myself, and felt much better for it. Thanks to feeling good about myself, I was able to take much better care of the kids. I enjoyed that.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Day 65
Today I helped Thea with a math concept that was difficult for her. It was very hard. I think it was hard because I have so much of my sene of value wrapped up in how she does in school. If she does well that makes me look and feel good (or so I think) and if she is struggling then I am not helping her enough. I want to change my attitude to one of helping her, and not associating her results as a reflection of my worth.
I have come to see that while I think I experience feelings, I mostly mask them with anger. I feel safe when I am angry, it's not a vulnerable emotion. Anger is needed sometimes, but I use it all the time. It's the only one that I feel right away. I have to dig deep to find any others. When me mom passed away two years ago, I was so angry; angry at her for dying, at anyone who tried to offer comfort or sympathy, at everyone. The thing is, I'm not really sure how to start feeling other feelings. I want to, I would welcome clear guilt, grief, shame, sadness, depression...anything that was clearly something other than anger. I even experience physical pain as anger. when I get hurt, I feel the pain, and I express anger. If you are the unfortunate person who is nearby when I stub my toe really hard, I advise you to say nothing, and quietly leave my vicinity. The kids have been the unfortunate victims of that sort of anger far too often in this house. All I can do is try to work the steps. I will try and keep trying.
I have admitted that I am powerless over others, and that my life is unmanageable. But that is as far as I have gotten. I want to get going and move through all 12 steps right now! But that impatience is part of my whole life story and battle.
I wanted to be married and in the "happily ever after" stage for as long as I can remember. (I am so grateful that God led me to Solomon. If I had not found my way here, I shudder to think where I could have ended up) Now that I am married, I can't help looking forward to the 10 year mark, and all the experience I'll have then. I know now, or begin to know, that I will always be looking forward to knowing more, having more, If I don't change my attitude, I will spend the rest of my existence waiting for tomorrow, or next week. I want to live now. Here and Now. I don't want to wait until later anymore. The most frustrating and painful realization, is that the only reason I'm waiting like that, is because I think that then I will be the wise person who knows everything, that everyone looks up to. Because I will have been there done that by then. So really, it's just another way that I am seeking approval from others for my existence. I reeeeealy have to stop doing that.
I have come to see that while I think I experience feelings, I mostly mask them with anger. I feel safe when I am angry, it's not a vulnerable emotion. Anger is needed sometimes, but I use it all the time. It's the only one that I feel right away. I have to dig deep to find any others. When me mom passed away two years ago, I was so angry; angry at her for dying, at anyone who tried to offer comfort or sympathy, at everyone. The thing is, I'm not really sure how to start feeling other feelings. I want to, I would welcome clear guilt, grief, shame, sadness, depression...anything that was clearly something other than anger. I even experience physical pain as anger. when I get hurt, I feel the pain, and I express anger. If you are the unfortunate person who is nearby when I stub my toe really hard, I advise you to say nothing, and quietly leave my vicinity. The kids have been the unfortunate victims of that sort of anger far too often in this house. All I can do is try to work the steps. I will try and keep trying.
I have admitted that I am powerless over others, and that my life is unmanageable. But that is as far as I have gotten. I want to get going and move through all 12 steps right now! But that impatience is part of my whole life story and battle.
I wanted to be married and in the "happily ever after" stage for as long as I can remember. (I am so grateful that God led me to Solomon. If I had not found my way here, I shudder to think where I could have ended up) Now that I am married, I can't help looking forward to the 10 year mark, and all the experience I'll have then. I know now, or begin to know, that I will always be looking forward to knowing more, having more, If I don't change my attitude, I will spend the rest of my existence waiting for tomorrow, or next week. I want to live now. Here and Now. I don't want to wait until later anymore. The most frustrating and painful realization, is that the only reason I'm waiting like that, is because I think that then I will be the wise person who knows everything, that everyone looks up to. Because I will have been there done that by then. So really, it's just another way that I am seeking approval from others for my existence. I reeeeealy have to stop doing that.
Day 64
I set a limit of 3 hours of TV for the kids. They were sick today, but I wanted to keep things reasonable anyway. I dropped that limit as soon as we reached it. It made for a fairly peaceful day though. It was just as well, with all the kids being just a bit under the whether it was good for them to lay around and rest. Each of them fell asleep for some amount of time, and I trust that the rest was good for them.
I was working hard today to take care of myself and meet my own needs. That mostly translated to keeping the kitchen tidy for most of the day, and at cleanup time, insisting that they clean up the mess in the living room that they created over the course of the day. I felt like a bit of a monster making them clean up their mess, seeing as it was created because they were feeling sick, and they still were a little sick. But I decided that this is part of my process. I need to value myself enough to know that it is OK to ask them to have chores. They were not truly sick any more, and were more using it as an excuse to get out of the normal night time routine. I was not feeling the best today either, but I kept going aside from a short nap on the couch.
I have had the title "control freak" re defined in my life. It's not about having everything just so, following a strict schedule etc... though it can be. But in my case I am a control freak without the ultra clean house and rock solid routine. No for me it means that I want to be in control no matter what. I expect the kids and Solomon to do what I want them to, and give me control, all the time, no matter what. The thing about this that makes me chuckle, is that it seems to me that the "cure" or a step toward it anyway, is to actually have a routine, and standards, that not only the kids have to hold to, but that I have to hold to. If I can find a framework that we can all count on being the standard, then maybe the kids will have enough security and consistency in their lives, to feel safer.
Then perhaps I would be a bit closer to caring for myself and them.
I was working hard today to take care of myself and meet my own needs. That mostly translated to keeping the kitchen tidy for most of the day, and at cleanup time, insisting that they clean up the mess in the living room that they created over the course of the day. I felt like a bit of a monster making them clean up their mess, seeing as it was created because they were feeling sick, and they still were a little sick. But I decided that this is part of my process. I need to value myself enough to know that it is OK to ask them to have chores. They were not truly sick any more, and were more using it as an excuse to get out of the normal night time routine. I was not feeling the best today either, but I kept going aside from a short nap on the couch.
I have had the title "control freak" re defined in my life. It's not about having everything just so, following a strict schedule etc... though it can be. But in my case I am a control freak without the ultra clean house and rock solid routine. No for me it means that I want to be in control no matter what. I expect the kids and Solomon to do what I want them to, and give me control, all the time, no matter what. The thing about this that makes me chuckle, is that it seems to me that the "cure" or a step toward it anyway, is to actually have a routine, and standards, that not only the kids have to hold to, but that I have to hold to. If I can find a framework that we can all count on being the standard, then maybe the kids will have enough security and consistency in their lives, to feel safer.
Then perhaps I would be a bit closer to caring for myself and them.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Day 63
The Kids are sick...again. It's the throw-ups this time. Which is a big part of why I am not posting this until half a day late.
I was able to go to my CoDA meeting Monday night, and it is such a blessing to find that fellowship with others who know my story. I came home from the meeting to a house with several vomiting children, and found I had the love in my heart and compassion for them.
It's not that I understand it yet, but I experience the reality, that the more love I have for myself, the more love I have for others. I am enjoying that A LOT!
The kids are all home from school today, I hope they will be back at school tomorrow. But for today, I am taking things well. I have been making time for myself, and that has helped me let go of control of the little things. I'm taking time in responding to the fights that crop up between the kids, while I get grounded and make some decisions about how to handle each situation. It's not that it's meant that I have done exactly the right thing in each instance, but I have been conscious about what I was choosing to do. That was a big step in the right direction.
The night went on to be hard but not impossible. We'll see how this day tuns out in the end!
I was able to go to my CoDA meeting Monday night, and it is such a blessing to find that fellowship with others who know my story. I came home from the meeting to a house with several vomiting children, and found I had the love in my heart and compassion for them.
It's not that I understand it yet, but I experience the reality, that the more love I have for myself, the more love I have for others. I am enjoying that A LOT!
The kids are all home from school today, I hope they will be back at school tomorrow. But for today, I am taking things well. I have been making time for myself, and that has helped me let go of control of the little things. I'm taking time in responding to the fights that crop up between the kids, while I get grounded and make some decisions about how to handle each situation. It's not that it's meant that I have done exactly the right thing in each instance, but I have been conscious about what I was choosing to do. That was a big step in the right direction.
The night went on to be hard but not impossible. We'll see how this day tuns out in the end!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Day 62
Hi, I'm Tirah and I'm a controlling codependent. I fell down today. Not literally, but I am sitting here in the same rut I have been in for years. Feeling lousy about myself and tired of my job. It was a busy weekend, helping family move all day yesterday, and caring for twice as many kids as usual for most of today. I have been battling a cold and sinus headache for days now, and the extra activity made it worse I think. It leaves me feeling frustrated, and off track with my growth. I have been told that illness is not the same as spiritual temptation. I'm not sure I understand that; but I hope it's true. If it is true then I'm off the hook, I can get well and then get back on track with becoming independent. But that sounds a lot like the same old me, blaming my mood and thoughts and feelings on things outside of me. I think that I am in a low point, that I will bounce back and feel better. I know that sleep is a good thing and will help me to feel better in the morning. Often the really hard days are followed by better days. I am familiar with the ups and downs that are natural to life.
My ongoing struggle is to figure out how to be a parent who is in a place of recognizing and admitting that I am powerless over others (including my kids) and that my life is unmanageable (and yet I have to take care of the money and school life, and play dates etc.etc.). I want to be in that place of knowing I am powerless, yet I am constantly bombarded by small people demanding that I fix things for them, situations they perceive to be unfair or wrong. I am praying that continuing to be aware of that conflict in myself, and just trying to stay awake about it, will lead to new understanding about it.
Thanks for listening.
Goodnight.
My ongoing struggle is to figure out how to be a parent who is in a place of recognizing and admitting that I am powerless over others (including my kids) and that my life is unmanageable (and yet I have to take care of the money and school life, and play dates etc.etc.). I want to be in that place of knowing I am powerless, yet I am constantly bombarded by small people demanding that I fix things for them, situations they perceive to be unfair or wrong. I am praying that continuing to be aware of that conflict in myself, and just trying to stay awake about it, will lead to new understanding about it.
Thanks for listening.
Goodnight.
Day 61
I just read the first chapter of a book on codependency. It finishes the chapter with a bunch of questions. The first question is about who or what I am trying to control. The answer in large part is my children. I learned as a child that my mom had the control. I would hide, I would entertain myself all by myself, I tried to be invisible while also craving attention. That way I didn't have to surrender to the control that my mom insisted she had. Now, I am sure that I am supposed to have control over my children. I know for sure that I am supposed to tell them how to think, feel, and behave. This looks like this: I am not paying attention to them or what they are doing, they start to fight about something. I come in when I can no longer pretend that they are behaving. When I finally bring myself into awareness of them, I don't care what is going on, I just steam roll over everyone, and demand that they follow my orders. In the end I feel I have gained control over them. If, for some reason, I feel I have not succeeded, then I am angry and resentful of the way they treated me. I feel justified in trying to control them because they are my children, and I think that that means I am supposed to teach them how to think and feel and behave. If I don't tell them then how will they know!?
I have always believed that I am the victim of my life. All the events happen to me, I have no choice in how I feel or what happens to me. Nothing is ever my fault, it's always someone or something else: Ididn't get enough attention, My parents didn't love me as much as I thought they loved my sister...etc. That allows me to be in control. I went through a phase when I was young, of always hedging my bets, I would tell someone that something was a certain way, I would insist I was right, but then just to cover myself I would add, "I might be wrong, but I really think that something is this way...." then if someone found out I was wrong, and got angry that I said something that wasn't so, I could just reply "I said I might be wrong!" But in the mean time they made a choice based on what I was sure about. And because I had said I might be wrong, I could detach from any guilt at their pain because of my arrogent attitude.
I have always believed that I am the victim of my life. All the events happen to me, I have no choice in how I feel or what happens to me. Nothing is ever my fault, it's always someone or something else: Ididn't get enough attention, My parents didn't love me as much as I thought they loved my sister...etc. That allows me to be in control. I went through a phase when I was young, of always hedging my bets, I would tell someone that something was a certain way, I would insist I was right, but then just to cover myself I would add, "I might be wrong, but I really think that something is this way...." then if someone found out I was wrong, and got angry that I said something that wasn't so, I could just reply "I said I might be wrong!" But in the mean time they made a choice based on what I was sure about. And because I had said I might be wrong, I could detach from any guilt at their pain because of my arrogent attitude.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Day 60: Not as independent as I would like
So I'm ditching the grade thing. It's just not useful. I was never able to think of a way to make it objective enough to be really useful. There are just too many factors to take into account. So from now on I'll be writing about my day, and how I think I did, but I'll be leaving out the part where I give myself a grade.
Today I was not very independent. I was pretty codependent in fact. I'm feeling tired and cranky right now. It's hard to put my finger on why today was different...I was not feeling in touch with my own value, and that seems to me to make a huge difference. It's hard though because I don't really know why I couldn't feel more positive about myself, but for what ever reason I just couldn't.
My day started well, but I got caught up in computer stuff, and making phone calls. The phone calls had to be made, but the kids have a very hard time not interrupting. It is inevitable, it seems, that the more important the phone call is, the bigger the melt down that will happen while on said phone call! So that dragged me down fast, and I never managed to recover.
In the afternoon we worked on a gingerbread house as a group, all the kids and I together. Yes that isn't a great combo when I am in codependent mode! I was in a controlling mode and that made it a frustrating project. I made supper and did homework with Thea. It was very necessary because she's back at school on monday and had to get the work done from the last three days of school!
Cirdan and I need to make some felted figures that the rest of his class did this week while he has been out with his cold. So I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, and wanting to find my independence again! I'm looking forward to my CoDA meeting in a few days now. Perhaps if I get one of the many codependency books out there I could read it and that might help me stay on track during the week.
Anyway, here's to a better tomorrow!
Today I was not very independent. I was pretty codependent in fact. I'm feeling tired and cranky right now. It's hard to put my finger on why today was different...I was not feeling in touch with my own value, and that seems to me to make a huge difference. It's hard though because I don't really know why I couldn't feel more positive about myself, but for what ever reason I just couldn't.
My day started well, but I got caught up in computer stuff, and making phone calls. The phone calls had to be made, but the kids have a very hard time not interrupting. It is inevitable, it seems, that the more important the phone call is, the bigger the melt down that will happen while on said phone call! So that dragged me down fast, and I never managed to recover.
In the afternoon we worked on a gingerbread house as a group, all the kids and I together. Yes that isn't a great combo when I am in codependent mode! I was in a controlling mode and that made it a frustrating project. I made supper and did homework with Thea. It was very necessary because she's back at school on monday and had to get the work done from the last three days of school!
Cirdan and I need to make some felted figures that the rest of his class did this week while he has been out with his cold. So I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, and wanting to find my independence again! I'm looking forward to my CoDA meeting in a few days now. Perhaps if I get one of the many codependency books out there I could read it and that might help me stay on track during the week.
Anyway, here's to a better tomorrow!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Day 59 Grade: B+
I'm trying to articulate something, and I'm finding it very difficult. Re-reading what I wrote yesterday it sounded garbled and confused to me, so I'm trying again:
I have found out something really important to my future happiness and success. I have learned, at least begun to learn, that I am valuable because I am here, I exist. Because I am, I am precious. Descartes said "I think, therefore I am" I have discovered that "I am, therefore I am precious". I hope that this is obvious to you, but for me this really is a new idea.
Yesterday I did all the tasks that I usually consider worthwhile: Laundry, changing sheets, cleaning and de-cluttering. While I did my chores I was trying very hard to keep in my mind the thought that doing these things did not make me valuable. For the morning this was rather depressing, because I kept thinking that I can't take pleasure or satisfaction from these tasks, because that would be taking it to mean that they are the source of my value. Fortunately I realized early in the afternoon, that I was missing the point! What I noticed is that I should absolutely let myself enjoy my chores, and gather satisfaction from doing them! It is only falling into codependency, when I let getting those jobs done, define me and my worth! That is what I was trying to express yesterday, I hope this is more understandable :)
Today, I had a wonderful conversation with my sister about our childhood, and codependency. I found it really enlightening. It got me thinking and I came up with a new way of thinking about how I think of myself and judge myself. It's like I have had a set of scales in my head for my whole life, one side is my worthiness, the other is my unworthiness. Every time I did something I thought was good (chores, being nice to people, giving a gift...) that was a small stone on the worthy side of my scales. But every time I did something I thought was bad (being lazy, yelling at the kids, getting angry, not communicating well, forgetting an appointment...) that was a big stone on the unworthy side. In my mind I have done very little that makes me a valuable person, and lots of things that prove I am unworthy and useless!
But that is a complete lie! There are no scales. I am valuable, and priceless, just because! God made me and He doesn't make mistakes, He makes Angels. Only and always.
I have had a wonderful day! I am settling down for bed feeling good about myself and knowing for possibly the first time in my life, that I am loved through and through by God! The fact that I was not a perfect mother today, that I made mistakes, and wasted some time goofing off this afternoon, does not take away from my sense of value, and worthiness. That is an entirely new experience for me.
In the past I would be sitting here feeling guilty and unworthy, and making excuses for myself as to why it was understandable that I yelled at the kids when they were being noisy, and why it was good for me to goof off for that hour this afternoon. It's not even that I would be wrong in those reasons, it's that I would be putting myself into the victim mindset: I couldn't help it that I yelled, I deserved to take that time off because my life is so hard, etc. etc. I can be the master of excuses, and proving that I am not to blame; I'm the vicim of my whole life.
For the first time, perhaps forever, I feel free!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Day 58 Grade B-
I did get a lot of tasks accomplished today. I tried to focus on two things as I did so, 1) My value is not based on my accomplishments, and 2)I cannot control/change others (kids included).
this had a rather dampening effect on how I felt about myself. I could not allow myself to feel good about myself because of getting things done, and that was a major downer. I figured out along the way somehow, that I am allowed to feel good as a result of getting things done, it just has to be because I satisfy my own needs rather than the needs of others. That sounds selfish, but really it's just trying to get to a place of not needing others' approval to feel good about myself. I did great things today, I did laundry, and cleaning in the bathroom, bedroom, and the kids bedroom! I feel good because I like it when the house is clean. I feel happy when the house is clean. I even feel happy to be giving a clean house to my family. I am being codependant if I only feel satisfied with a clean house if the rest of the family praises me for it. I'm only being unbalanced if I think that my value lies in keeping the house clean. I am valuable no matter what! But I can have the pleasure of self satisfaction by having an orderly house because I want it. Then I can see how to lead the kids in cleaning their rooms even though they hate it! I can push through their anger, because I can know that I will be a happier person, and therefore a happier mother with an orderly house. So It is caring for myself to endure their anger about having to do chores! Huh, that's weird, I never noticed that before.
I can give a gift to myself and my family of a clean house, and it is a gift, and I am wonderful, and valuable, even if the gift I give is not appreciated. I can work hard to provide a good healthy and delicious meal for my children and husband, and it does not matter one bit if they like it or not, it was still a wonderful gift, and my value is not based on their satisfaction.
Speaking of independence, and caring for myself, it's time to sleep.
this had a rather dampening effect on how I felt about myself. I could not allow myself to feel good about myself because of getting things done, and that was a major downer. I figured out along the way somehow, that I am allowed to feel good as a result of getting things done, it just has to be because I satisfy my own needs rather than the needs of others. That sounds selfish, but really it's just trying to get to a place of not needing others' approval to feel good about myself. I did great things today, I did laundry, and cleaning in the bathroom, bedroom, and the kids bedroom! I feel good because I like it when the house is clean. I feel happy when the house is clean. I even feel happy to be giving a clean house to my family. I am being codependant if I only feel satisfied with a clean house if the rest of the family praises me for it. I'm only being unbalanced if I think that my value lies in keeping the house clean. I am valuable no matter what! But I can have the pleasure of self satisfaction by having an orderly house because I want it. Then I can see how to lead the kids in cleaning their rooms even though they hate it! I can push through their anger, because I can know that I will be a happier person, and therefore a happier mother with an orderly house. So It is caring for myself to endure their anger about having to do chores! Huh, that's weird, I never noticed that before.
I can give a gift to myself and my family of a clean house, and it is a gift, and I am wonderful, and valuable, even if the gift I give is not appreciated. I can work hard to provide a good healthy and delicious meal for my children and husband, and it does not matter one bit if they like it or not, it was still a wonderful gift, and my value is not based on their satisfaction.
Speaking of independence, and caring for myself, it's time to sleep.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Day 57 Grade:B-
Today was an experiment and observation day. I did almost nothing that I deem useful. I mostly sat and watched TV and knitted a scarf that is meant to be a christmas gift. I have been working on finding the value in me apart from the things I do, and provide. I was trying to stop seeing tasks as the reason I am here. I am trying to learn to love myself, and treat myself with respect. I want to stop the nasty commentary in my head, and start saying nice things to me. I would never talk to someone I don't know with the kind of tone I use on me, and yet it's ok to be nasty to myself. It makes me feel less horrible about the ways I treat the kids. Yet the truth is that this afternoon, after a day of really trying not to be mean to myself, I found it was easier to have compassion and be loving toward the kids! I was very surprised to find that was true. I feel like I should try to be nice and when I'm not I should scold and chastise myself for failing, but when I do that, I move forward, in that mood, and end up being mean to everyone, not just me. So today was a successful experiment, but it also has me in turmoil at the same time wondering who I am and where I am going here. I'll keep experimenting, I think it might help me to find myself. :) I would like that a lot.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Day 56 Grade: C
I did some yelling today. I was letting the kids moods affect my own, and bring me down to their level. I need to stop loathing myself. I must stop letting my circumstances dictate how I feel! Tomorrow, I am going to try to find meditation time in the midst of chaos, and re center myself whenever I can.
I remember bits and pieces from today, but in many ways I feel like it was all a blur, and I don't remember what happened. I recall that this morning, while I had goals for myself, like a clean kitchen, I also tried to spend time with the kids, playing on their level. Playing sword fight with Cirdan, and reading books to Zoe. I was going to play Duplo with Jaden, but then the phone rang and it was the Pediatrician, and so I had to take the call. By the time I got back, the moment was passed, and the boys were determined to have a snack, so there was no going back.
In the afternoon, I got tired of the constant bickering, and arguing. All the talk-back to everything I said and did. I got really angry and yelled at the kids one at a time. I was trying to avoid it by sending each kid to their room for quiet time, but they complained about having to have quiet time, so I reacted in the only way a rational adult/child person can... I yelled at them, and as is always the case, it was the perfect way to react in order to make sure that everything got...worse.
But here I am anyway, at the end of the day, and the kids are alive and in their beds asleep. That is 100% due to Solomon tonight. I went to a meeting at 7pm, so Solomon was on bedtime duty. My meeting was my first ever CoDA meeting. It stands for Codependants Anonymous, and I really think this could be the help I've been looking for.
It's late I gotta sleep!
I remember bits and pieces from today, but in many ways I feel like it was all a blur, and I don't remember what happened. I recall that this morning, while I had goals for myself, like a clean kitchen, I also tried to spend time with the kids, playing on their level. Playing sword fight with Cirdan, and reading books to Zoe. I was going to play Duplo with Jaden, but then the phone rang and it was the Pediatrician, and so I had to take the call. By the time I got back, the moment was passed, and the boys were determined to have a snack, so there was no going back.
In the afternoon, I got tired of the constant bickering, and arguing. All the talk-back to everything I said and did. I got really angry and yelled at the kids one at a time. I was trying to avoid it by sending each kid to their room for quiet time, but they complained about having to have quiet time, so I reacted in the only way a rational adult/child person can... I yelled at them, and as is always the case, it was the perfect way to react in order to make sure that everything got...worse.
But here I am anyway, at the end of the day, and the kids are alive and in their beds asleep. That is 100% due to Solomon tonight. I went to a meeting at 7pm, so Solomon was on bedtime duty. My meeting was my first ever CoDA meeting. It stands for Codependants Anonymous, and I really think this could be the help I've been looking for.
It's late I gotta sleep!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Day 55 Grade: B-
I did a good job of observing myself today. I was still grumpy at times, but almost right away I noticed, acknowledged it, but did not judge myself or try to force a change. That was amazingly helpful to my overall mood for the day.
We were planning on going to church, and then going to Glencairn museum in the afternoon, but, when I thought about it I realized that Thea has this whooping cough exposure thing going on. So we stayed home. Solomon and I have been discussing all day on and off, what we should do about that, but we decided this morning to stay home, and not share the germs if she did pick it up.
So instead we had a big pancake breakfast, and family worship together. Solomon read the story of The Annunciation, and the kids played the role of Mary and the Angel. It was really sweet. :)
Later in the morning the kids and I made paper snowflakes, and I hung them from the ceiling with dark thread, so it looks like they are floating in the air (we have dark wood ceiling so it hides the thread perfectly!) I had some grumpy times when Zoe was being difficult with going down for her nap, but overall, I didn't have a melt down or get really freaked out at the kids. I could have too, because that paper makes a huge mess, adding stress to the whole, having scissors around Zoe, thing.
The nice surprise of the evening helped to round out my day and leave me feeling really content right now!
The surprise was that Solomon and I had the fun of going to a vespers service tonight. We weren't planning on going, but we were talking about the service, just as a topic, and Tykah offered to babysit. So, we decided to take her up on it. It was wonderful!
I'm ready to go to sleep now though, 'cause I'm tired!
We were planning on going to church, and then going to Glencairn museum in the afternoon, but, when I thought about it I realized that Thea has this whooping cough exposure thing going on. So we stayed home. Solomon and I have been discussing all day on and off, what we should do about that, but we decided this morning to stay home, and not share the germs if she did pick it up.
So instead we had a big pancake breakfast, and family worship together. Solomon read the story of The Annunciation, and the kids played the role of Mary and the Angel. It was really sweet. :)
Later in the morning the kids and I made paper snowflakes, and I hung them from the ceiling with dark thread, so it looks like they are floating in the air (we have dark wood ceiling so it hides the thread perfectly!) I had some grumpy times when Zoe was being difficult with going down for her nap, but overall, I didn't have a melt down or get really freaked out at the kids. I could have too, because that paper makes a huge mess, adding stress to the whole, having scissors around Zoe, thing.
The nice surprise of the evening helped to round out my day and leave me feeling really content right now!
The surprise was that Solomon and I had the fun of going to a vespers service tonight. We weren't planning on going, but we were talking about the service, just as a topic, and Tykah offered to babysit. So, we decided to take her up on it. It was wonderful!
I'm ready to go to sleep now though, 'cause I'm tired!
Day 54 Grade:B
I could'a done better, but I could'a done worse too! Tonight I am posting for saturday the 4th. It's already the 5th, but only because I am on night two of getting Zoe to learn to go back to sleep without getting out of her bed. So of course in the short run it takes a whole lot longer to get her settled, than if I just picked her up. I just keep thinking of the long term gain, and that makes it worth it.
Whopping Cough is still going around the school, and I have been told that the department of health is recommending that Thea take another round of antibiotics, because her class all by itself has reached outbreak status. *sigh* I am really tired of these decisions. I am tempted to take her out of school, and keep her home until the outbreak has passed.
Today we went to the Cathedral for a marionette telling of the christmas story, it was sweet, and just right for the kids. after the service, they had christmas crafts and snacks in the social hall. We stayed, and had fun decorating cookies, and painting ornaments, and making a centerpiece. I was in a good mood for the whole thing, and it was fun! There were moments of grumbling among the kids, but I think that overall they will have fond memories of it rather than bad ones. We picked up a christmas tree after that, and spent the afternoon doing various christmas decorating projects. Solomon and Tykah worked together to put up lights outside. I got grumpy in the afternoon, but I did a good job of being observant about it. I managed to remind myself that the kids were grumpy too and that was why they were misbehaving, and not because they were trying to make my life difficult on purpose. That was helpful, as was Jori dropping by for a visit, she cheered me up. Then after supper we went out for a drive and looked at christmas lights. The kids enjoyed it for the most part, and Jaden fell asleep almost right away, so it was easy to get him in bed when we got home. I was able to read to the kids fromt the book we are reading together right now, The Magician's Nephew, By C.S. Lewis. When we finish this one we will have read the entire Narnia series! That feels good to me. I'm happy to be giving my kids the memory of being read to at bedtime, because it is one of my fondest memories from childhood.
OK I gotta get some sleep!
Whopping Cough is still going around the school, and I have been told that the department of health is recommending that Thea take another round of antibiotics, because her class all by itself has reached outbreak status. *sigh* I am really tired of these decisions. I am tempted to take her out of school, and keep her home until the outbreak has passed.
Today we went to the Cathedral for a marionette telling of the christmas story, it was sweet, and just right for the kids. after the service, they had christmas crafts and snacks in the social hall. We stayed, and had fun decorating cookies, and painting ornaments, and making a centerpiece. I was in a good mood for the whole thing, and it was fun! There were moments of grumbling among the kids, but I think that overall they will have fond memories of it rather than bad ones. We picked up a christmas tree after that, and spent the afternoon doing various christmas decorating projects. Solomon and Tykah worked together to put up lights outside. I got grumpy in the afternoon, but I did a good job of being observant about it. I managed to remind myself that the kids were grumpy too and that was why they were misbehaving, and not because they were trying to make my life difficult on purpose. That was helpful, as was Jori dropping by for a visit, she cheered me up. Then after supper we went out for a drive and looked at christmas lights. The kids enjoyed it for the most part, and Jaden fell asleep almost right away, so it was easy to get him in bed when we got home. I was able to read to the kids fromt the book we are reading together right now, The Magician's Nephew, By C.S. Lewis. When we finish this one we will have read the entire Narnia series! That feels good to me. I'm happy to be giving my kids the memory of being read to at bedtime, because it is one of my fondest memories from childhood.
OK I gotta get some sleep!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Day 53 Grade: B-
I would say that I am pretty much well. This morning I did a big shopping trip, made easier by, Abby the wonderful, watching the littlest two. But it took most of my energy, and I spent the afternoon pretty much tuned out and watching a stupid movie. In the evening as I made dinner, I observed to Solomon that I am well enough to be mean, but sick enough to be more inclined to be mean. That sounds strange, but what I mean is that, while I was sickest, I for some reason was very sweet with the kids. When I did interact with them, even in resolving situations, I was patient and kind. Now that I am feeling better, I seem to be getting back to my cranky self, and feeling still a bit crummy makes me more likely to be even more cranky than my usual cranky self. *Sigh* That's frustrating.
On the other hand I have been enjoying being cuddly with the kids, something that they seem to crave and enjoy. Tonight I spent a little time snuggling with each one of them over the course of bedtime, and I really think that it was good for my relationship with each of them, that they each got that one on one time.
I want to improve my interactions with Cirdan, I really think that getting better about praising him for the wonderful things that he does, and giving lots of hugs and kisses, could help us communicate better. He seems to be a physical affection kid, and I can just see him light up when I tell him I'm proud of him.
Jaden in heading toward 4 years old, and that is the beginning of the tough years in our kids or so it seems. It's not so bad at 2 years or three, but as 4 approaches things get harder. Jaden is really getting into that pushing the boundaries time of life. He knows how to get what he wants too, so it's really keeping me on my toes, just to try to stay in tune with him. I'm behind by a step or two really, I need to get better about giving timeouts, so that he gets used to them, and knows that the warning actually means something.
Thea is so great, I feel like we have moved out of the difficult young years with her. Of course there are new challenges with her, and since she's the oldest, she gets to be the first to hit every stage and behavior. But she is a much more helpful and cooperative girl that she was even a year ago. I am happy to see her self-confidence growing, as she masters concepts in school. She still loves a nice back rub at bedtime though, it's nice to know she's still my baby on some level. :)
Zoe is the cutest thing on the face of the planet, and more of a little girl every day. I just love to see her and watch her move. She doesn't just walk, she grooves. She walks and leans from side to side as she goes. It's too cute! She doesn't have many words yet, Mama, Papa, Yeah, and Up, but they are so cutely said! She's very into learning body parts lately, to keep her happy while changing her diaper, I just have to ask her where her nose is, and were off! She knows her nose, her head, her ear, and her mouth. We are working on eyes, and getting her to notice that she has two ears, and we are making progress. She is so much fun. The closer she gets to sleeping all night, the more adorable she is too... go figure!
Having Tykah here living with us is awesome! It is such a joy in my life to get to interact with her everyday. I need to work harder to get to know her better as an individual. I guess that's kinda what I could say about everyone in my family, heck, everyone anywhere. But I do need to start with the people that live in my house with me. Perhaps as I work to overcome all codependency I will come to know them each better for who they really are, instead of who I assume them to be in reference to me.
Ahhh Life, Its' good. :)
On the other hand I have been enjoying being cuddly with the kids, something that they seem to crave and enjoy. Tonight I spent a little time snuggling with each one of them over the course of bedtime, and I really think that it was good for my relationship with each of them, that they each got that one on one time.
I want to improve my interactions with Cirdan, I really think that getting better about praising him for the wonderful things that he does, and giving lots of hugs and kisses, could help us communicate better. He seems to be a physical affection kid, and I can just see him light up when I tell him I'm proud of him.
Jaden in heading toward 4 years old, and that is the beginning of the tough years in our kids or so it seems. It's not so bad at 2 years or three, but as 4 approaches things get harder. Jaden is really getting into that pushing the boundaries time of life. He knows how to get what he wants too, so it's really keeping me on my toes, just to try to stay in tune with him. I'm behind by a step or two really, I need to get better about giving timeouts, so that he gets used to them, and knows that the warning actually means something.
Thea is so great, I feel like we have moved out of the difficult young years with her. Of course there are new challenges with her, and since she's the oldest, she gets to be the first to hit every stage and behavior. But she is a much more helpful and cooperative girl that she was even a year ago. I am happy to see her self-confidence growing, as she masters concepts in school. She still loves a nice back rub at bedtime though, it's nice to know she's still my baby on some level. :)
Zoe is the cutest thing on the face of the planet, and more of a little girl every day. I just love to see her and watch her move. She doesn't just walk, she grooves. She walks and leans from side to side as she goes. It's too cute! She doesn't have many words yet, Mama, Papa, Yeah, and Up, but they are so cutely said! She's very into learning body parts lately, to keep her happy while changing her diaper, I just have to ask her where her nose is, and were off! She knows her nose, her head, her ear, and her mouth. We are working on eyes, and getting her to notice that she has two ears, and we are making progress. She is so much fun. The closer she gets to sleeping all night, the more adorable she is too... go figure!
Having Tykah here living with us is awesome! It is such a joy in my life to get to interact with her everyday. I need to work harder to get to know her better as an individual. I guess that's kinda what I could say about everyone in my family, heck, everyone anywhere. But I do need to start with the people that live in my house with me. Perhaps as I work to overcome all codependency I will come to know them each better for who they really are, instead of who I assume them to be in reference to me.
Ahhh Life, Its' good. :)
Day 52: Drat! Missed a day :(
So Wednesday was OK. I was a little better from my cold, but still in a lot of pain from my headache. I took both Advil and Tylenol, not something I usually resort to, but I didn't feel like I had an alternative. Solomon and a combination of my sisters took care of almost all the details of life. Tykah singlehandedly made dinner, served the kids, and cleaned the kitchen after! Wow girl, you rock!!! I was fairly good with the kids, staying patient at moments when I usually get frustrated and cranky. In the evening, for cleanup time, I sat in a recliner and directed the kids on cleanup. There were some moments of frustration as I tried to get an individual child's attention, but even as I raised my voice to get through the distraction and other noise in the room, I was doing it to be heard, not because I was angry. I am glad it was like that.
Today, Thursday, was not as good in the patience department. I did get angry several times today, and was much less self aware than I would have liked. It is interesting to me that the closer to healthy I get, the less easy I find it to be patient. I have no idea what that is about at all! As I was much more able to do things today, I did the Taxi thing today, and even ran to the grocery store for some last minute things for dinner. I took Cirdan and Zoe along, and for the most part it was a fine trip. Cirdan started begging for treats at the checkout line, and Zoe got impatient and fussy in the car on the way back, but other than that the kids were great. I did OK on handling Cirdan's begging, I could have been more sympathetic, and heard that he really wanted a treat, while still lovingly denying the request. I was more authoritarian than I had to be, so I'll try to do that better in the future.
I gave Jaden two time outs today, and that is saying something! He has been old enough for timeouts for a long time now, but I usually chicken out on following through on them. He has perfected the long drawn out pout after a timeout that makes you think it's not worth the effort in the first place. But today I was good and gave timeouts anyway when they were needed. Jaden has gotten into a hitting phase lately, and he really needs to understand that it's not OK to hit.
On the exciting side of things for Jaden He went potty on the potty for the first time this afternoon!!!! He then proceeded to only use the potty for the rest of the day!!! Of course now I need to watch out for night terrors as he does this potty training thing. Sigh. Oh well that's OK, we've done this twice already, I just have to remind myself what we did then.
Today, Thursday, was not as good in the patience department. I did get angry several times today, and was much less self aware than I would have liked. It is interesting to me that the closer to healthy I get, the less easy I find it to be patient. I have no idea what that is about at all! As I was much more able to do things today, I did the Taxi thing today, and even ran to the grocery store for some last minute things for dinner. I took Cirdan and Zoe along, and for the most part it was a fine trip. Cirdan started begging for treats at the checkout line, and Zoe got impatient and fussy in the car on the way back, but other than that the kids were great. I did OK on handling Cirdan's begging, I could have been more sympathetic, and heard that he really wanted a treat, while still lovingly denying the request. I was more authoritarian than I had to be, so I'll try to do that better in the future.
I gave Jaden two time outs today, and that is saying something! He has been old enough for timeouts for a long time now, but I usually chicken out on following through on them. He has perfected the long drawn out pout after a timeout that makes you think it's not worth the effort in the first place. But today I was good and gave timeouts anyway when they were needed. Jaden has gotten into a hitting phase lately, and he really needs to understand that it's not OK to hit.
On the exciting side of things for Jaden He went potty on the potty for the first time this afternoon!!!! He then proceeded to only use the potty for the rest of the day!!! Of course now I need to watch out for night terrors as he does this potty training thing. Sigh. Oh well that's OK, we've done this twice already, I just have to remind myself what we did then.
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