I'm sending out lots of prayers for many people in my life who are struggling in their marriages. Husbands love your wives! Wives respect your husbands! Yes marriage is hard sometimes, but it is worth it!!!!!!
Cleansing breath.
I admit that I am powerless over others.
I am trying to finish unpacking and decorating my bedroom today. I want to do this to show Solomon that I love him in one of his primary love languages, acts of service.
*later*
I was able to get all the boxes unpacked or moved out of the room, and adjusted some furniture positions Solomon loved it and felt loved, so I can say Mission: Accomplished! And I get to do a second round to finish decorating, so it's a win all around :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Day 89
Getting to church this morning was hard. Very hard. I didn't get as good a nights sleep as I needed, and had a difficult time waking up. I did get a shower, but I did not get breakfast. The kids objected at every turn. Thea didn't want to wear a dress, and then picked out an outfit that was stained. I had to send her back to pick something different, and she can't seem to do that on her own. I had to guide her through finding a different combination. Cirdan tried to choose shorts, and objected loudly when I told him he needed to wear pants, and again he could not find them on his own. When I told him he needed to work harder on putting his clean clothes away so they wouldn't end up in a pile on the floor, he denied responsibility. He was angry because he felt blamed for leaving his clothes out, and felt that was unfair. I, of course, felt at the end of my wits, and felt he was to blame for his clothes being on the floor. Meanwhile, Bram was crying inconsolably, and I still had to dress Jaden and Zoe. Solomon by the way was already at the church, because he was preaching, so I had to do all this by myself. The hardest part of it was knowing that this is the beginning of the rest of my life! Soon Solomon will be preaching almost every Sunday, and I will always be facing Sunday morning by myself. I have to admit that I am feeling fairly depressed about that right now.
My plans are, to work harder to create a Saturday night prep routine, that means that everyone has an approved outfit set out the night before so we can minimize the tantrums about clothing. I also have to include bathing the kids as a Saturday event. It's totally bringing up all my frustrating memories about my own childhood as a PK.
That said, church itself was very nice, and I got to hear Solomon preach a full sermon for the first time! He did a wonderful job and I enjoyed it very much.
Just for fun, here is Bram, napping as I sit writing this post.
My plans are, to work harder to create a Saturday night prep routine, that means that everyone has an approved outfit set out the night before so we can minimize the tantrums about clothing. I also have to include bathing the kids as a Saturday event. It's totally bringing up all my frustrating memories about my own childhood as a PK.
That said, church itself was very nice, and I got to hear Solomon preach a full sermon for the first time! He did a wonderful job and I enjoyed it very much.
Just for fun, here is Bram, napping as I sit writing this post.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Day 88
I'm feeling good today. I got some good new ideas for working with the kids, and I'm excited to try them. I'm going to try whispering when I feel like yelling, I'm told that you use a different part of your brain when you whisper (which I find oddly fascinating). The other thing I'm going to try is active listening with the kids on their level. That means that I will kneel down and get to their eye level and then repeat back to them their words in their tone of voice so that they know that I have heard them.
This new app that I got has really inspired me to stay present with myself and my feelings, and the kids and their feelings. I made a list to remind me of the things I'm trying to make my new habits around the kids. I added a task to my morning routine of reading my list every morning. I'm hoping to have that help me remember to do each of those things. Here's my list:
REMEMBER THIS
* When you want to yell, whisper
* When the kids are whining, kneel so you are on their level, and mirror them, use active listening to let them feel heard
* If Bram is screaming in your face, put him down while you get other things done
* Plan ahead for transitions
* Tell Solomon you love him by being punctual
* Cuddle with Cirdan
* Breathe
I'm working on my relationship with Cirdan in a lot of these items, and I think that Cirdan is a physical touch kid, meaning he knows I love him when I give him physical expressions of affection (hugs, kisses, back rubs, etc. ). It's strange to me that I really have to remind myself to do this, but that's the reality, so if I need to I'll make hugs a routine item to make sure I create this habit!
Being on time for life is something that I struggle with, especially if I'm not excited to go do what I need to do. It means a lot to Solomon to be on time, so I'm trying to create a new habit of being on time as a way of showing him respect and love.
I am reading a book by John Chapman called: The five languages of apology. One of the languages is called repentance, which means that an integral part of the apology is to make a decision to change, communicate that to the person you have wronged, and then do so. This is a tough one for me (I think that's true for all humans actually) and the book talks about the importance of making a plan so that you carry out the changes. So this list that I must read daily is my first plan for change. If it doesn't work, I'll try something else.
This new app that I got has really inspired me to stay present with myself and my feelings, and the kids and their feelings. I made a list to remind me of the things I'm trying to make my new habits around the kids. I added a task to my morning routine of reading my list every morning. I'm hoping to have that help me remember to do each of those things. Here's my list:
REMEMBER THIS
* When you want to yell, whisper
* When the kids are whining, kneel so you are on their level, and mirror them, use active listening to let them feel heard
* If Bram is screaming in your face, put him down while you get other things done
* Plan ahead for transitions
* Tell Solomon you love him by being punctual
* Cuddle with Cirdan
* Breathe
I'm working on my relationship with Cirdan in a lot of these items, and I think that Cirdan is a physical touch kid, meaning he knows I love him when I give him physical expressions of affection (hugs, kisses, back rubs, etc. ). It's strange to me that I really have to remind myself to do this, but that's the reality, so if I need to I'll make hugs a routine item to make sure I create this habit!
Being on time for life is something that I struggle with, especially if I'm not excited to go do what I need to do. It means a lot to Solomon to be on time, so I'm trying to create a new habit of being on time as a way of showing him respect and love.
I am reading a book by John Chapman called: The five languages of apology. One of the languages is called repentance, which means that an integral part of the apology is to make a decision to change, communicate that to the person you have wronged, and then do so. This is a tough one for me (I think that's true for all humans actually) and the book talks about the importance of making a plan so that you carry out the changes. So this list that I must read daily is my first plan for change. If it doesn't work, I'll try something else.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Day 87
I am noticing my inner know-it-all is popping up in the last couple days. I can't control others! Trying to help the people around me is a good thing, but acting like miss bossy is not!
Lord help me be a listener!
I know I can't save someone else's marriage, but I can offer support to struggling people. It's a subtle difference, and I'm having trouble being aware of that line. I can offer advice if it's asked for, but can I call someone on behavior that's harmful to their marriage if they have been avoiding me? I keep recalling the plank and the beam, the casting the first stone, and all that.
On a totally unrelated topic, I am feeling really excited because I found an app for my trusty Ipad that is created in the FlyLady system! (for more info on Flylady check out Flylady.com) I love it so far, but it's only been one full day, so I know my opinion is colored by the "new app romance". I'm hoping to get into a solid habit of using this app before the warm fuzzes become cold and threadbare. Oh the app is called Home Routines, and it lets you create lists of tasks, that fit into a routine. I have a morning routine, an afternoon routine and an evening routine. I get to give myself a gold star for each task, and there is a tracker that tells me how many stars I have. Its not perfect yet, but I hear rumors that they are continuing development and adding more features to make it even better.Yesterday I did 32 tasks! I'm gonna try for even more today, and I'm going to add more fun time with the kids to my routines, hopefully that will help me give them more time with me.
Do you have any struggles/triumphs with household work? I'd love to hear about them in the comments! Here's a picture of my shiny sink!
Lord help me be a listener!
I know I can't save someone else's marriage, but I can offer support to struggling people. It's a subtle difference, and I'm having trouble being aware of that line. I can offer advice if it's asked for, but can I call someone on behavior that's harmful to their marriage if they have been avoiding me? I keep recalling the plank and the beam, the casting the first stone, and all that.
On a totally unrelated topic, I am feeling really excited because I found an app for my trusty Ipad that is created in the FlyLady system! (for more info on Flylady check out Flylady.com) I love it so far, but it's only been one full day, so I know my opinion is colored by the "new app romance". I'm hoping to get into a solid habit of using this app before the warm fuzzes become cold and threadbare. Oh the app is called Home Routines, and it lets you create lists of tasks, that fit into a routine. I have a morning routine, an afternoon routine and an evening routine. I get to give myself a gold star for each task, and there is a tracker that tells me how many stars I have. Its not perfect yet, but I hear rumors that they are continuing development and adding more features to make it even better.Yesterday I did 32 tasks! I'm gonna try for even more today, and I'm going to add more fun time with the kids to my routines, hopefully that will help me give them more time with me.
Do you have any struggles/triumphs with household work? I'd love to hear about them in the comments! Here's a picture of my shiny sink!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Day 86
I'm working hard on my relationship with Cirdan. I love him, but I am so triggered by him. He needs love, attention and approval, yet I am really struggling to give him those things. He so quickly complains about everything! "Guess what Cirdan? You get to go to Ben's house to play!" "Aaaawwww! When can I play with Brian?!"
"Time to put on your shoes" "Whaaaaaaat?!"
"After you finish clean-up you can have a cookie and watch tv until bedtime ok?" "Why do we always have to do cleanup?! You are so mean Mama!!!"
And the list goes on. I get a feeling after a while that I can do nothing right, and that he will always find something to complain about. So how do I get him to learn a new habit? Punishing it out of him has so far been unproductive, and only leads to more accusations of my meanness. Loving it out of him is proving to be very hard for me to maintain.
The whole situations would be easier if I could be less reactive. I'm sure that he keeps it up because he knows eventually I will lose my temper. Often enough I walk away feeling stuck so that he gets out of a fair amount of stuff. Like I said I'm not strong on consistency. Grrrrrr!
On the brighter side, my sweet baby Bram is enchanting, and despite a very fussy day, I still find him irresistible.
I think for now I'll hang in there and try to recall how I felt the same way about Cirdan when he was small.
"Time to put on your shoes" "Whaaaaaaat?!"
"After you finish clean-up you can have a cookie and watch tv until bedtime ok?" "Why do we always have to do cleanup?! You are so mean Mama!!!"
And the list goes on. I get a feeling after a while that I can do nothing right, and that he will always find something to complain about. So how do I get him to learn a new habit? Punishing it out of him has so far been unproductive, and only leads to more accusations of my meanness. Loving it out of him is proving to be very hard for me to maintain.
The whole situations would be easier if I could be less reactive. I'm sure that he keeps it up because he knows eventually I will lose my temper. Often enough I walk away feeling stuck so that he gets out of a fair amount of stuff. Like I said I'm not strong on consistency. Grrrrrr!
On the brighter side, my sweet baby Bram is enchanting, and despite a very fussy day, I still find him irresistible.
I think for now I'll hang in there and try to recall how I felt the same way about Cirdan when he was small.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Day 85
I notice that, for me, inaction leads to depression. Today I worked really hard and got all the kids (there's five of them now) to church. I had to work alone because Solomon was preaching for the very service we were attending. I did a great job, and I am very happy about that. When we got home I just wanted to do nothing, but after spending about three hours doing just that, I found that I had not enjoyed my sedentary hours, and in addition I was feeling lousy emotionally. Solomon was very kind, and when he asked how I was doing, he listened very compassionately while I expressed my feelings.
I noticed that I was wondering what the point of everything is anyway! I know on an intellectual level what the point of life is, but on an emotional level it was hard to care about anything. The house is almost always a mess, and managing to gather the energy to even want to clean it is extremely hard! It is frustrating to know that the kids really don't care about having a clean house, but I would really like a clean house, it would feel great to me to have a tidy and nice space to spend my time. But I lack the consistency to set rules about where and when the kids can eat, so that all rooms end up full of food all over the place! I'm not interested in making them keep their toys in only the toy rooms, but I really dislike dealing with the whining at the end of the day, when they have to clean it all up.
I know that this is the reality of life with small children, and I know that children grow up very fast. But the phrase that really resonates with me "the days are long but the years are short" is feeling like a bit of a curse right in this moment.
One obstacle is that while I know being active will help my mood, having a 7 week old gets in the way of activities. So I have to be patient with lots of time spent doing only infant care. Sometimes that mess sitting near him letting him suck on my finger while he falls asleep. So to pass the time I read books on my kindle app, or watch movies, but the I lose momentum, and when I could get going, I no longer want to.
I'm going to try meditating when I have those moments, perhaps in that sort of a state I can hang onto some of my motivation when I am able to step away from the baby. Well, in the interests of a good day tomorrow, I'm going to bed.
I noticed that I was wondering what the point of everything is anyway! I know on an intellectual level what the point of life is, but on an emotional level it was hard to care about anything. The house is almost always a mess, and managing to gather the energy to even want to clean it is extremely hard! It is frustrating to know that the kids really don't care about having a clean house, but I would really like a clean house, it would feel great to me to have a tidy and nice space to spend my time. But I lack the consistency to set rules about where and when the kids can eat, so that all rooms end up full of food all over the place! I'm not interested in making them keep their toys in only the toy rooms, but I really dislike dealing with the whining at the end of the day, when they have to clean it all up.
I know that this is the reality of life with small children, and I know that children grow up very fast. But the phrase that really resonates with me "the days are long but the years are short" is feeling like a bit of a curse right in this moment.
One obstacle is that while I know being active will help my mood, having a 7 week old gets in the way of activities. So I have to be patient with lots of time spent doing only infant care. Sometimes that mess sitting near him letting him suck on my finger while he falls asleep. So to pass the time I read books on my kindle app, or watch movies, but the I lose momentum, and when I could get going, I no longer want to.
I'm going to try meditating when I have those moments, perhaps in that sort of a state I can hang onto some of my motivation when I am able to step away from the baby. Well, in the interests of a good day tomorrow, I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Day 84
So the hardest time of day begins when it is time to make dinner. By then I am tired, and hot, and really wanting to do almost anything but make dinner. The kids still have needs and wants, and they come into the kitchen quite regularly. I have the hardest time then being patient with them. I am working hard to forgive myself for my short temper, but it's hard not to feel like a failure every day to get to dinner time, and consistently be angry by the time we sit down to eat. It is very hard to find a good mood in that moment and be ready to have a nice family meal. Tonight Cirdan would not eat a bite, and I had made the meal with him in mind! I left the green beans raw, because he hates them cooked, and I make chicken fingers, very like chicken nuggets, which he loves! So going to that care and then having him flat out refuse to eat was really hard. The truth is that without my permission or awareness he had been eating tortilla chips all afternoon, so he truly wasn't hungry. I stated out loud that it is hard when Cirdan won't eat the food I make, but I did not yell at him, or force him to eat. I did require that he come say the blessing with us, and he did that without complaint, but it was very hard to let it all go.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day 83
I guess this is just a blog that gets done when it gets done. Today I am 7 months pregnant. The baby is really pushing out right now, and that is far from comfortable. The kids continue to be a challenge to me. I have been getting laundry done today, and I'm feeling good about it. The kitchen is a mess and I can't face it for some reason. Trying to love myself anyway, and not get shoulds going in my head. I have handled one big fight between Thea and Cirdan really well, and I feel good about that. Jaden and Zoe are happy. The older two kids each helped out with a task and earned a turn of 15 minutes on the new iPad. I hope that I can continue to use that as an incentive to get more help from them in the next few days.
Monday, February 21, 2011
More than a month later.....
So the truth is I've been avoiding this project. I came to a place where all I had to talk about that was real and immediate was that I was and am pregnant. But I was not ready to make that public, or make comments that would make it obvious, so I just abandoned ship. Well I'm ready for this to be real again and so I'm back, and I'll really try to keep up my nightly post.
Tonight I am feeling really inadequate. I want to know and understand how others care so much for the people around them with seeming effortlessness. I want to care for the people in my life that are around me that I love, but I truly can't figure out how to be so aware so constantly. I feel drained by doing so. I know that I need to take care of myself so that I have the resources to care for others, but putting that into practice just stalls out on me everyday.
It is really hard for me to take true care of myself. Things like getting enough sleep, exercise, and meditative time. Especially in the winter, I just crumble. I have barely enough energy to think about what tasks I need to finish just to keep people clothed and fed, let alone cared for emotionally. Yet I see others around me that are always there for the people around them. That are able to connect with their children in a meaningful and loving way, and feel gratification in doing so. I'm just trying to cope. I realize that I have a TON of catch up to do with my kids in giving them a sense that I am here and reliable and consistant, that I will love them and give them sympathy. But I am just trying to get through the day, trying to get everyone healthy at one time, and keep them that way. Once they are all well, I have about a week before we seem to start all over again. In that week I'm just trying to get the house livable again and the laundry washed enough to have clean clothes for school! I really don't know how anyone does this. I am tired yes and that is only increased by pregnancy, but I have a really hard time with taking care of myself, and getting to have just fun goof off time in there somewhere. Taking care of myself right now, if I'm really doing it, means having sleep and self care - like showering and getting moving - take priority over just getting to sit and watch a TV show. It's more important to meditate and journal, but I'm left with no time for fun, and that's really hard for me to take. I have a hard time believing that I will find meditation fun enough that I don't ever just wanna veg out.
Well anyway, I think this will have to make up for the missing month (ok more than that) and I'll get going again tomorrow with this....
Tonight I am feeling really inadequate. I want to know and understand how others care so much for the people around them with seeming effortlessness. I want to care for the people in my life that are around me that I love, but I truly can't figure out how to be so aware so constantly. I feel drained by doing so. I know that I need to take care of myself so that I have the resources to care for others, but putting that into practice just stalls out on me everyday.
It is really hard for me to take true care of myself. Things like getting enough sleep, exercise, and meditative time. Especially in the winter, I just crumble. I have barely enough energy to think about what tasks I need to finish just to keep people clothed and fed, let alone cared for emotionally. Yet I see others around me that are always there for the people around them. That are able to connect with their children in a meaningful and loving way, and feel gratification in doing so. I'm just trying to cope. I realize that I have a TON of catch up to do with my kids in giving them a sense that I am here and reliable and consistant, that I will love them and give them sympathy. But I am just trying to get through the day, trying to get everyone healthy at one time, and keep them that way. Once they are all well, I have about a week before we seem to start all over again. In that week I'm just trying to get the house livable again and the laundry washed enough to have clean clothes for school! I really don't know how anyone does this. I am tired yes and that is only increased by pregnancy, but I have a really hard time with taking care of myself, and getting to have just fun goof off time in there somewhere. Taking care of myself right now, if I'm really doing it, means having sleep and self care - like showering and getting moving - take priority over just getting to sit and watch a TV show. It's more important to meditate and journal, but I'm left with no time for fun, and that's really hard for me to take. I have a hard time believing that I will find meditation fun enough that I don't ever just wanna veg out.
Well anyway, I think this will have to make up for the missing month (ok more than that) and I'll get going again tomorrow with this....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Day 82
Today was not very productive...There is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and I am out of socks...and yet I did no dishes or laundry.
I am trying to just be. Just allow myself to exist. I have been very angry with God lately. I have had a falling out about my own ability to choose my life. I know intellectually that God's plan is the right one to follow. I know that He has a better idea of what is going to be a good thing in my life than I do. This has been proven to me thousands of times over in my short life.... But I find I still have quite a lot of resistance to just giving Him total control. When He makes it plain that He is in control, (despite my best efforts to take it) I tend to react with a huge amount of anger! I really want to be able to make choices, and stick to them. To be able to decide what I want in certain areas and get to have that decision stand. Of course that means that God has no choice but to show me that I really don't have that control.
So like I said, in my intellect I know that God has a great plan for me, but in my heart I am really REALLY Pissed off! I don't like his current plan as it is unfolding for me, and I am trying to resist. That is a totally useless exercise of course, and only leaves me more frustrated.
So though I have been getting little or nothing done, I am trying to acknowledge my feelings and be in them, and aware of them, so that I can work on letting go and letting God be in charge.
I think I did a little of that today, not much, but a little.
I am trying to just be. Just allow myself to exist. I have been very angry with God lately. I have had a falling out about my own ability to choose my life. I know intellectually that God's plan is the right one to follow. I know that He has a better idea of what is going to be a good thing in my life than I do. This has been proven to me thousands of times over in my short life.... But I find I still have quite a lot of resistance to just giving Him total control. When He makes it plain that He is in control, (despite my best efforts to take it) I tend to react with a huge amount of anger! I really want to be able to make choices, and stick to them. To be able to decide what I want in certain areas and get to have that decision stand. Of course that means that God has no choice but to show me that I really don't have that control.
So like I said, in my intellect I know that God has a great plan for me, but in my heart I am really REALLY Pissed off! I don't like his current plan as it is unfolding for me, and I am trying to resist. That is a totally useless exercise of course, and only leaves me more frustrated.
So though I have been getting little or nothing done, I am trying to acknowledge my feelings and be in them, and aware of them, so that I can work on letting go and letting God be in charge.
I think I did a little of that today, not much, but a little.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Day 81
Yes I went from day 89 to 81, that's because I decided that if I'm gonna miss days then I shouldn't count them.
So I have been lost in the fog for the last several days. I am trying to come out of it. I don't really want to leave the fog, it's quiet in there, no voices to hear criticizing myself, and no reality to interfere with my pleasant fantasy that my life consists of other people's fictional lives. I have been watching TV almost non-stop for the last several days. That went from taking time to have fun and seeing that I am allowed to have fun, into hiding in it and not facing my life. So I'm trying to bring myself back to self awareness at least a little. I must get back to this post every night, because there are days that it is the only time I spend being present in the moment. Right now I am here sitting in my bed geting ready to sleep. I am typing and thinking about what to type next.
I have been in pain in the last few days, really trying to understand what the Lord has in store for me. Trying to trust that His plan is much better than anything that I could come up with. But at the moment I'm more in a place of just angry and frustrated with unexpected surprises that I am faced with. That's why I have been hiding.
A friend gave me a phrase tonight that feels very appropriate, it was to remind me to "watch the show" my show, the show of me. Just watch as if I am an audience member, not judging or trying to change myself. It's a simple observation technique that I am familiar with, but calling it a show, is really helpful for some reason that I can't articulate.
So tomorrow I am going to watch the show.
So I have been lost in the fog for the last several days. I am trying to come out of it. I don't really want to leave the fog, it's quiet in there, no voices to hear criticizing myself, and no reality to interfere with my pleasant fantasy that my life consists of other people's fictional lives. I have been watching TV almost non-stop for the last several days. That went from taking time to have fun and seeing that I am allowed to have fun, into hiding in it and not facing my life. So I'm trying to bring myself back to self awareness at least a little. I must get back to this post every night, because there are days that it is the only time I spend being present in the moment. Right now I am here sitting in my bed geting ready to sleep. I am typing and thinking about what to type next.
I have been in pain in the last few days, really trying to understand what the Lord has in store for me. Trying to trust that His plan is much better than anything that I could come up with. But at the moment I'm more in a place of just angry and frustrated with unexpected surprises that I am faced with. That's why I have been hiding.
A friend gave me a phrase tonight that feels very appropriate, it was to remind me to "watch the show" my show, the show of me. Just watch as if I am an audience member, not judging or trying to change myself. It's a simple observation technique that I am familiar with, but calling it a show, is really helpful for some reason that I can't articulate.
So tomorrow I am going to watch the show.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 89
Ahhh the weekend. It was a nice day, but I didn't get a lot done. Thanks to Solomon we did a lot of laundry sorting and putting away, but after that I was done. I spent the rest of the day taking it easy, and watching TV. It's OK though, I was needing some down time.
I did make a big family breakfast of waffles and scrambled eggs, so I was not a complete lazy person. Ugh, there I go again, my default to put things in negative language, diminishing what I did well.
Let me try this again...
I had a great day, Solomon made it possible for me to sleep in a bit, which felt really nice. Then when I got up, I took a shower, and then made a big breakfast (which was really brunch) of waffles and scrambled eggs. Then the kids and Solomon and I all worked together to get the laundry that was clean (quite a big pile) sorted and put away. It was great!
Solomon took some time to play in the afternoon just doing things he enjoys, recharging from all the busyness. I did the same, watching some more of the TV show that I have been watching online. I was feeling tired despite sleeping in, so Solomon made dinner as a favor to me. He worked really hard all day almost, I'm really glad he took some time for himself. I feel good that I took time for myself, and didn't push myself when I was feeling tired. My body was probably telling me to take the opportunity to rest when I could. So today was a good day, and I am hoping to make tomorrow another balanced and positive day.
I did make a big family breakfast of waffles and scrambled eggs, so I was not a complete lazy person. Ugh, there I go again, my default to put things in negative language, diminishing what I did well.
Let me try this again...
I had a great day, Solomon made it possible for me to sleep in a bit, which felt really nice. Then when I got up, I took a shower, and then made a big breakfast (which was really brunch) of waffles and scrambled eggs. Then the kids and Solomon and I all worked together to get the laundry that was clean (quite a big pile) sorted and put away. It was great!
Solomon took some time to play in the afternoon just doing things he enjoys, recharging from all the busyness. I did the same, watching some more of the TV show that I have been watching online. I was feeling tired despite sleeping in, so Solomon made dinner as a favor to me. He worked really hard all day almost, I'm really glad he took some time for himself. I feel good that I took time for myself, and didn't push myself when I was feeling tired. My body was probably telling me to take the opportunity to rest when I could. So today was a good day, and I am hoping to make tomorrow another balanced and positive day.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 88
I forgot to post before I went to bed last night. Oh well, that's OK.
The rest of the day was really quite wonderful. I was able to get quite a few tasks done that I have had on my to do list for a long time now. And on top of that I spent a good chunk of the morning playing with the littlest two kids. We really had a lot of fun, reading books, stacking blocks, and laughing together. I stayed present with myself and them. In the afternoon I took care of myself by going to the Gym and walking for a half hour. That was the second day in a row, and if I can get through the snow that's falling I'm gonna try to go today as well.
I am going to focus going forward on not worrying what others think of me. I have my life, and my choices, and I do not have to justify them to anyone. Yet I feel so self conscious about my choices, and life, and I am so worried about what other people might be thinking, that I volunteer information that is really no one else's business. They didn't set out to be nosy, I just offer it and hope that it keeps them from thinking badly of me. It's probably really annoying from their point of view, but they are kind and say nothing. I really have to get over that because I'm going to be in a really miserable existence if I keep this up.
So that's going to be a big focus for me in this new year. I'm allowed to take time to have fun, and it has nothing to do with what others think of me! I do it because it's what is good for me, and by extension, my family! I'm allowed to wait a bit longer to wash the dishes so that I can watch a TV show that I like or go to the gym. If the house is not spotless, I don't have to make apologies or excuses to people who come over!
The rest of the day was really quite wonderful. I was able to get quite a few tasks done that I have had on my to do list for a long time now. And on top of that I spent a good chunk of the morning playing with the littlest two kids. We really had a lot of fun, reading books, stacking blocks, and laughing together. I stayed present with myself and them. In the afternoon I took care of myself by going to the Gym and walking for a half hour. That was the second day in a row, and if I can get through the snow that's falling I'm gonna try to go today as well.
I am going to focus going forward on not worrying what others think of me. I have my life, and my choices, and I do not have to justify them to anyone. Yet I feel so self conscious about my choices, and life, and I am so worried about what other people might be thinking, that I volunteer information that is really no one else's business. They didn't set out to be nosy, I just offer it and hope that it keeps them from thinking badly of me. It's probably really annoying from their point of view, but they are kind and say nothing. I really have to get over that because I'm going to be in a really miserable existence if I keep this up.
So that's going to be a big focus for me in this new year. I'm allowed to take time to have fun, and it has nothing to do with what others think of me! I do it because it's what is good for me, and by extension, my family! I'm allowed to wait a bit longer to wash the dishes so that I can watch a TV show that I like or go to the gym. If the house is not spotless, I don't have to make apologies or excuses to people who come over!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Day 87
I am worthy of play time. I am discovering that as I allow myself to indulge in play time, I am becoming more and more aware of the kids' need for play time and - more significantly for me - play time with me. When they come to me asking for time with me, I am feeling less hostile in my reaction and a bit more willing to play with them. As I fill my own need for recreation, it is easier to be aware of their need for time spent together playing, and be happy to fill it.
I spent a huge amount of time today filling my own need for fun, and yet I found it even easier than yesterday to give them my attention and affection. I was willing to read a story with Jaden and Zoe, and not minding that we took our time about it. Flipping back to the pages that Zoe liked best, not trying to read it the way a grownup would, in order, one page at a time, but the way a baby does, what is most interesting all the time. I really enjoyed it and look back on it with happiness. I am going to keep working on letting go of guilt about playing, and having fun for my own sake. No more guilt about watching tv and taking time for myself. When I can fill my own need for fun, then I will have the energy available to give them the attention with play time that they need.
I have a pretty large deficit in the fun time department, so I think it's still going to be a process about letting go of that guilt, but I am going to try really hard to get there.
Thank you Lord for the gift of fun.
I spent a huge amount of time today filling my own need for fun, and yet I found it even easier than yesterday to give them my attention and affection. I was willing to read a story with Jaden and Zoe, and not minding that we took our time about it. Flipping back to the pages that Zoe liked best, not trying to read it the way a grownup would, in order, one page at a time, but the way a baby does, what is most interesting all the time. I really enjoyed it and look back on it with happiness. I am going to keep working on letting go of guilt about playing, and having fun for my own sake. No more guilt about watching tv and taking time for myself. When I can fill my own need for fun, then I will have the energy available to give them the attention with play time that they need.
I have a pretty large deficit in the fun time department, so I think it's still going to be a process about letting go of that guilt, but I am going to try really hard to get there.
Thank you Lord for the gift of fun.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Days 85 and 86
I am noticing that the last three days really have seen me sliding into the childhood mechanism I developed of isolating myself. I spent almost the whole day watching television shows on the laptop. Now the trouble here is that I am isolating and not staying present in the moment. I can't work on growth if I am not living in the moment. The other problem is that as soon as I notice this sort of thing, I get angry with myself for not working on my stuff, and sink back into self loathing. So I'm trying to rise above it all. I am OK I am worthy, and acceptable. I have this habit because of the years of feeling lonely as a child, and It's ok that it is hard to change that habit. I am still lovable.
I put huge pressure on myself to become healthy because my children depend on me to show them how to be healthy non codependent people, and here I am giving them a terrible example! I do want to change for their sakes, and using that as a motivations is fine...But I have to do this for my sake or it's not gonna work! I have to care about myself enough to treat myself gently and lovingly.
I am not a lost cause, I am not hopeless. I have God caring for me, and helping me every minute. I would not exist if not for my Higher Power, and I must honor that creation with respect and love.
This morning I began by making sure that I got a peaceful morning of getting the kids off to school. I was able to motivate myself (for my own sake) to get up earlier than I often do, to get the kitchen tidied and ready to make breakfast and snacks and lunch boxes for the kids. I succeeded in having a peaceful off to school time. That felt good.
I put huge pressure on myself to become healthy because my children depend on me to show them how to be healthy non codependent people, and here I am giving them a terrible example! I do want to change for their sakes, and using that as a motivations is fine...But I have to do this for my sake or it's not gonna work! I have to care about myself enough to treat myself gently and lovingly.
I am not a lost cause, I am not hopeless. I have God caring for me, and helping me every minute. I would not exist if not for my Higher Power, and I must honor that creation with respect and love.
This morning I began by making sure that I got a peaceful morning of getting the kids off to school. I was able to motivate myself (for my own sake) to get up earlier than I often do, to get the kitchen tidied and ready to make breakfast and snacks and lunch boxes for the kids. I succeeded in having a peaceful off to school time. That felt good.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Day 84
It is not an exaggeration to say that this meeting is saving my life. I am finding sanity through this group of people who are all trying to leave behind codependency. Thank you God for leading me here.
There is so much in my heart tonight.
I spent the day watching TV. I'm still not sure if the day went well for me because I am an addict falling off the wagon and enjoying my drug, and feeling in control and at peace because of the drug fix (TV); or if I was doing what I told myself I was, taking it easy and taking care of myself. I am fighting off a bit of a head cold, that had me feeling totally fuzzy headed today. I took the day off, and watched TV while the littles played near me. anytime that they needed me I stopped what I was watching and cared for them. I even got through some big tantrums from both Thea and Cirdan without being drawn into their emotions. I was able to notice that I am a separate person from them, and I am the parent who is responsible to set boundaries. I set the boundaries, and they push them. When I say no over and over to what they want they get mad about it. It's a reasonable thing to do. But my job is to acknowledge their feelings, not change my mind about my decision (assuming it was a reasonable decision). I can validate their feelings, and offer sympathy, but then it ends. Then I stick to what I said, and allow them to feel upset, and learn how to deal with the disappointments in life. I must control my children's environments, so that they will be safe and cared for. I cannot control what they think or feel. I can offer an example of how to handle tough feelings in a productive and healthy way. I can tell them what I think about things and situations, and pray that they learn good things from my input. But I am not God, I cannot make them do or think anything. That is so freeing!! I feel so blessed to be in a place of awakening about this.
Thanks Lord, I needed that. Please help me hang onto this concept.
You are everything I need, and I am enough.
There is so much in my heart tonight.
I spent the day watching TV. I'm still not sure if the day went well for me because I am an addict falling off the wagon and enjoying my drug, and feeling in control and at peace because of the drug fix (TV); or if I was doing what I told myself I was, taking it easy and taking care of myself. I am fighting off a bit of a head cold, that had me feeling totally fuzzy headed today. I took the day off, and watched TV while the littles played near me. anytime that they needed me I stopped what I was watching and cared for them. I even got through some big tantrums from both Thea and Cirdan without being drawn into their emotions. I was able to notice that I am a separate person from them, and I am the parent who is responsible to set boundaries. I set the boundaries, and they push them. When I say no over and over to what they want they get mad about it. It's a reasonable thing to do. But my job is to acknowledge their feelings, not change my mind about my decision (assuming it was a reasonable decision). I can validate their feelings, and offer sympathy, but then it ends. Then I stick to what I said, and allow them to feel upset, and learn how to deal with the disappointments in life. I must control my children's environments, so that they will be safe and cared for. I cannot control what they think or feel. I can offer an example of how to handle tough feelings in a productive and healthy way. I can tell them what I think about things and situations, and pray that they learn good things from my input. But I am not God, I cannot make them do or think anything. That is so freeing!! I feel so blessed to be in a place of awakening about this.
Thanks Lord, I needed that. Please help me hang onto this concept.
You are everything I need, and I am enough.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Day 83
Dear Tirah,
I know that you are having a tough day. It's OK that you were unable to post yesterday. Yes you could have worked harder, stayed up later, to make sure that you wrote and reflected on your day, But it's OK to do less than humanly possible. You are OK. You are enough.
I know that you are struggling with how the heck you are supposed to care for your kids while trying to care for yourself as well. It is important to do the best you can with those kids that live in your house, but I want to remind you that they are on loan, and I am in charge of them really, not you. Yes what you do affects them, but I decided that you would be their mother, and I knew exactly what you were struggling with and then I sent them to you "anyway" (really it was because it is the exact right thing for each of you). Please try to trust that I have not forgotten them, or you. They are in My care, just like you are, and you will all be fine. :)
I Love you, and that's why I created you. I love you all the time, when you are being nice to people and when you are not. When you are happy and loving, and when you are depressed and self-loathing. I'm always here, and I always Love you.
There was a little girl that I put on the planet Earth. She was given into the care of two wonderful people that I created. Those two people had their own hurts from their childhood. They did a great job with what they had. That little girl was a very important part of their lives and growth, and yes even healing. She picked up some pain and hurt along the way, and that is why I am here loving her all the time, and asking her to ask for help from Me.
Tirah, you did a great job being the daughter for your parents. Thank you for helping them to become better people by being their daughter. You are doing the best job you know how to for the children I put in your life. You are enough. I made sure they were there, because I knew that they would help you become a better person. I am taking care of the big picture, and I am taking care of the details. I know it's hard, I know you spent a lot of your childhood, in fear and uncertainty. I am here. You are priceless, and exactly who you are supposed to be.
You must come to know that I am here and I know what you are going through. I know that you feel rejected, because you are a girl, and all the images you have of Me and all the words you know for my name are those of a man. But I created men and women, both are images of me. It's ok for you to work on finding out about Me in a form that helps you to see and understand my Love for you, and your value.
Tirah, the most important thing, is that you know I am here. I am here and I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know. And you are enough.
I know that you are having a tough day. It's OK that you were unable to post yesterday. Yes you could have worked harder, stayed up later, to make sure that you wrote and reflected on your day, But it's OK to do less than humanly possible. You are OK. You are enough.
I know that you are struggling with how the heck you are supposed to care for your kids while trying to care for yourself as well. It is important to do the best you can with those kids that live in your house, but I want to remind you that they are on loan, and I am in charge of them really, not you. Yes what you do affects them, but I decided that you would be their mother, and I knew exactly what you were struggling with and then I sent them to you "anyway" (really it was because it is the exact right thing for each of you). Please try to trust that I have not forgotten them, or you. They are in My care, just like you are, and you will all be fine. :)
I Love you, and that's why I created you. I love you all the time, when you are being nice to people and when you are not. When you are happy and loving, and when you are depressed and self-loathing. I'm always here, and I always Love you.
There was a little girl that I put on the planet Earth. She was given into the care of two wonderful people that I created. Those two people had their own hurts from their childhood. They did a great job with what they had. That little girl was a very important part of their lives and growth, and yes even healing. She picked up some pain and hurt along the way, and that is why I am here loving her all the time, and asking her to ask for help from Me.
Tirah, you did a great job being the daughter for your parents. Thank you for helping them to become better people by being their daughter. You are doing the best job you know how to for the children I put in your life. You are enough. I made sure they were there, because I knew that they would help you become a better person. I am taking care of the big picture, and I am taking care of the details. I know it's hard, I know you spent a lot of your childhood, in fear and uncertainty. I am here. You are priceless, and exactly who you are supposed to be.
You must come to know that I am here and I know what you are going through. I know that you feel rejected, because you are a girl, and all the images you have of Me and all the words you know for my name are those of a man. But I created men and women, both are images of me. It's ok for you to work on finding out about Me in a form that helps you to see and understand my Love for you, and your value.
Tirah, the most important thing, is that you know I am here. I am here and I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know. And you are enough.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Day 81
Happy New Year!
New Year's Eve has been a mixed day, as most are for me. I began the day by going to the gym with my dear friend (where she has a membership), and trying out her exercise routine. It was fun, and got me motivated to loose weight and get going for the new year. Unfortunately, I slipped from feeling motivated into feeling bad about myself. I went from there to feeling bad about everything about myself. It really is amazing to me that it all comes back over and over again to that self hatred! It's so hard to overcome! I was aware if it for little bits at a time, and tried to change the tape, but didn't really have any success. I should have found more time for meditation, that might have helped. But then again, sometimes, it's just a bad day. But I got through the day and then we put the kids to bed, and had a nice evening hanging out with various friends and family as they came through coming and going to and from parties. We had some yummy munchies, and some Irish coffe, and had a good time.
I am learning more and more about re parenting myself. Somehow, (I'm still discovering the details) I never really grew up. I have to be my own advocate and defend myself when I am hating myself. It feels like it's too hard to be responsible for myself that way, and yet, I feel more free than I ever have in life. To be slowly really getting it that I am suposed to be happy, and that I am supposed to tell myself that I am valuable, that I am supposed to believe in myself, and my own usefulness. It's really so new, and unreal to me still.
I know that as I become a better adult, who has confidence in myself, that I will become a better parent to my kids. My struggle is figuring out in the mean time how to do the best I can with them. There are times that they trigger the little kid that I just angry and misunderstood, and then I really fail in the loving parent role that I really do want to live. I have to learn patience, and to let go of any illusions of control. *sigh* this is hard!
I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanageable.
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
AMEN
New Year's Eve has been a mixed day, as most are for me. I began the day by going to the gym with my dear friend (where she has a membership), and trying out her exercise routine. It was fun, and got me motivated to loose weight and get going for the new year. Unfortunately, I slipped from feeling motivated into feeling bad about myself. I went from there to feeling bad about everything about myself. It really is amazing to me that it all comes back over and over again to that self hatred! It's so hard to overcome! I was aware if it for little bits at a time, and tried to change the tape, but didn't really have any success. I should have found more time for meditation, that might have helped. But then again, sometimes, it's just a bad day. But I got through the day and then we put the kids to bed, and had a nice evening hanging out with various friends and family as they came through coming and going to and from parties. We had some yummy munchies, and some Irish coffe, and had a good time.
I am learning more and more about re parenting myself. Somehow, (I'm still discovering the details) I never really grew up. I have to be my own advocate and defend myself when I am hating myself. It feels like it's too hard to be responsible for myself that way, and yet, I feel more free than I ever have in life. To be slowly really getting it that I am suposed to be happy, and that I am supposed to tell myself that I am valuable, that I am supposed to believe in myself, and my own usefulness. It's really so new, and unreal to me still.
I know that as I become a better adult, who has confidence in myself, that I will become a better parent to my kids. My struggle is figuring out in the mean time how to do the best I can with them. There are times that they trigger the little kid that I just angry and misunderstood, and then I really fail in the loving parent role that I really do want to live. I have to learn patience, and to let go of any illusions of control. *sigh* this is hard!
I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanageable.
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
AMEN
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