Day 84

So the hardest time of day begins when it is time to make dinner. By then I am tired, and hot, and really wanting to do almost anything but make dinner. The kids still have needs and wants, and they come into the kitchen quite regularly. I have the hardest time then being patient with them. I am working hard to forgive myself for my short temper, but it's hard not to feel like a failure every day to get to dinner time, and consistently be angry by the time we sit down to eat. It is very hard to find a good mood in that moment and be ready to have a nice family meal. Tonight Cirdan would not eat a bite, and I had made the meal with him in mind! I left the green beans raw, because he hates them cooked, and I make chicken fingers, very like chicken nuggets, which he loves! So going to that care and then having him flat out refuse to eat was really hard. The truth is that without my permission or awareness he had been eating tortilla chips all afternoon, so he truly wasn't hungry. I stated out loud that it is hard when Cirdan won't eat the food I make, but I did not yell at him, or force him to eat. I did require that he come say the blessing with us, and he did that without complaint, but it was very hard to let it all go.

Day 83

I guess this is just a blog that gets done when it gets done. Today I am 7 months pregnant. The baby is really pushing out right now, and that is far from comfortable. The kids continue to be a challenge to me. I have been getting laundry done today, and I'm feeling good about it. The kitchen is a mess and I can't face it for some reason. Trying to love myself anyway, and not get shoulds going in my head. I have handled one big fight between Thea and Cirdan really well, and I feel good about that. Jaden and Zoe are happy. The older two kids each helped out with a task and earned a turn of 15 minutes on the new iPad. I hope that I can continue to use that as an incentive to get more help from them in the next few days.