Day 22 grade:B

Happy Halloween! Today...Hummm. Church was nice. I was on older children duty, so I got to actually sit in church and hear the sermon. The minister did a good job of engaging the kids, so they sat still nicely. It helped that I had the lure of trick-or-treating tonight to make them behave.
I also discovered this morning how to give Cirdan his Amoxicillin in a way that he likes! Yay! For all you moms and dads out there who would like to know: make some really strong hot chocolate mix (like twice as much cocoa mix as usual) and mix in the medicine. I only had to mix it in the hottest setting tap water too, so it was really REALLY easy! He actually asked for the medicine in the afternoon so that he could have the chocolate! Woo Hoo!!!
Then this morning there was some extra fun, in that Tykah babysat after the first service we attended, so Solomon and I went to hear a dear friend give the sermon at the cathedral service. I really enjoyed it and got a lot of value out of it. It helped me reflect on how I think about my Job. I realized that I treat the kids with a lot of contempt. I need to re-train my thinking: think about all the wonderful things about the kids, and flood my consciousness with the reasons I love them and care about them. I notice that I resent their questions. I could appreciate their curiosity, but instead I tend to feel annoyed that I have to take time out of my day to tell them something that they don't know. Being a teacher is not something that I like to do, and yet that is a big part of what I am here to do for them. I get to be their example of how to live and behave. The main thing I can do to help myself gain patience for their questions and general ignorance, is to remember that they want knowledge! I have to remember that it is a huge privilege to share my knowledge with others. I am also going to try to reflect every day on the qualities in my children that I like and admire, and want to encourage. I probably won't post that here, but I'll be writing it!
So the rest of the day went well, Solomon got some homework done, while the kids and I dressed up in our costumes, and went to Glencairn (it's a really cool museum near our house) for a scavenger hunt. The kids each earned a prize, and we came home and had some quiet time. That was fun for all of us, the kids watched a movie while I cleaned up the house a bit, and did some writing. Then we had an early dinner, spruced up our costumes and put on under layers of clothing to keep warm, and headed out to collect tons of candy! And boy did we!!! I was surprised by how much we got! And I'm not very happy about it either!!! I'll have to make some decisions about how to handle that. A: let them have one piece a day until it's gone, B: Let them eat it all in one day and get it over with or C:the candy fairy comes and makes it disappear. I have to think about it some more...
Well - that's well over my quota for today, but I'm happy with the reflection! Oh and I may ditch this letter grade thing and make this a pass/fail course...I'll keep thinking about it.

Day 21 Grade:B

Today was good, but the night was HARD! Zoe was having trouble feeling tired last night, or something, but she spent a lot of the night awake. She was cheerful if you held her or (as I quickly did) took her to the living room to watch a movie. But as soon as we would try to put her in her crib to sleep, she would cry. So Solomon and I, traded off staying up with her. We ended up losing a lot of sleep. Solomon rescued me about 7:30 am and took over while I went back to sleep for about 2 hours. That Made My DAY! I was able to get up and shower about 10 am, and then I launched into a very productive day!
I cleaned the kitchen while supervising the kids in other chores, so that we could then spend time carving pumpkins. I cleaned up the pumpkin explosion that was left when we were done, and roasted the pumpkin seeds (that was a huge process and I can't say that I did it entirely cheerfully). Solomon rescued me at that point and took care of the kids and making supper, while I got busy with our family costume! We are going to be the Incredibles this year, and I managed to make every person in the family a red shirt with the Incredibles Logo on it. We're going to wear black pants and keep it at that. I bought some black masks, and wer'e all set! Solomon is my Hero! I am so grateful to have had the fun of making our costumes!
So today could have been a really big disaster, but it went really well all things considered! Now I'm going to bed!

Day 20 Grade: C-

I failed to write a reflective response to Friday the 29th. So I get a C- because it actually was a fairly good day in terms of my care of the kids, and care of myself, but without my paper submission getting turned in on time, I get some major grade deductions!
Friday was good like I said. All the school age children successfully went to school, and had a good time doing so. I had a lovely morning home with the littest two, including a quick shopping trip immediately following school drop off. I did some tasks around the house and then relaxed too. The afternoon went OK but not as well as it could have.  As usual I have this conflict with making dinner and supervising clean-up time. I have not yet figured out how to have it really work. Friday night is Pizza and Movie night, so it's a more complicated meal because I make the pizza myself, rather than ordering it. We save a lot of money but it's much more work. So there was stress surrounding dinner, as usual. But we got it done and then Cirdan and I headed off to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for his Lyme treatment ( I had gotten the phone call confirming the diagnosis in the afternoon).
Solomon and I led our marriage group in the evening, which gives us a night off of bedtime with the kids. I enjoy that time away from the kids. the only down side to this particular night was that Solomon had a really bad headache. We both enjoyed group anyway though, and got to bed at around midnight.
There that's something anyway. :)

Day 19 Grade: C+

I love my Job. But some days -like today- I really don't like it very much. I'm sick as can be right now, and I have lost my voice completely!
I'm hoping sooner rather than later, I will learn to care for the kids and discipline them without yelling, but I'm not there yet. I thought that losing my voice could be an opportunity to learn about managing the kids without yelling, and that perhaps this would be a good thing. That was not the case today.
Not being able to yell is all well and good. But I need to be able to speak to them! Not having any ability to just talk and tell them what I wanted and expected of them, made everybody miserable! When I got mad, not being able to vocalize, I found, left me feeling much more angry than I would have otherwise. I think part of that is just the overall frustration of not being able to speak, but I think in the heat of the moment, I do better when I can express my anger, it feels like it disperses the physical feeling of anger.
Cirdan was officially diagnosed with Lyme's disease this evening. He and I took a special trip to the Pharmacy and picked up his prescription, and then went to the grocery store for a stockpile of yogurt. He did a good job with his first dose, and enjoyed the yogurt too. So if I understand correctly he'll be taking this AntiBiotic twice a day for the next thirty days. But the Doctor indicated that it should be a complete cure, and that he won't have any long-term effects. Yay!

Day 18 Grade: A-?

Today was split between being so sleepy I could not really do anything, and being so hands-on and attentive that I couldn't feel sleepy.
Cirdan almost definitely has Lyme. This afternoon was spent at the hospital getting an X-ray of his right knee, and having blood drawn. The poor guy was sooo scared. Both Solomon and I went with him. We went out and bought a brand new toy before we went to the hospital. Cirdan was a trooper! Despite his fear he got through it all with flying colors! Having some new action figures to play with and his favorite playmate Solomon, made all the difference. It kept him from dwelling on what was coming up, and helped keep him calm.
At the same time, Solomon and I are fighting off this cold, and for me a cough. Jaden has the cough, as does Zoe, and Thea seems to be getting it too. Not fun at all, but also not that serious.
I really think that I did a fairly good job, but I did have the TV on most of the day for the kids, and sank into laziness myself too several times...
I am grateful that I am feeling very compassionate toward Cirdan right now. It's not hard to keep him in my thoughts and to be attentive when he needs me.
Please Lord make us well, and heal Cirdan. I'll do everything I can, but you are the only healer.

Day17 Grade: B+

I got an A in some ways, but not in others. Cirdan seems to have Lyme. Yuck! His right knee is all puffy and swollen.  It looks so sad! He is very stoic about it, I think because he has so much anxiety about going to the Doctor, that he doesn't want to tell me when he is in pain. But today we went to the Pediatrician and he came through it like a trooper. I even got to have some time to comfort him and feel like his loving Mama for the first time in months.
I cuddled with each of the kids tonight at bedtime, and it felt so nice to get that one on one time. It wasn't long for each kid, but it was undivided attention. I'm going to try harder to take the time to do that. There are nights when I can't because of commitments to others, such that I'm not there for bedtime, but when I am I should take the time!
Tomorrow Cirdan has to go to the hospital for a blood test and X-ray of his knee.  I know he's scared, and I am trying to think of any and all ways I can offer comfort. I already have told him we will get him a reward for being brave while we do the blood draw. I pray that he feels as safe as possible. Solomon will take the time to go with us to get the procedures done, and I am very grateful for that. He and Cirdan have a very loving and present relationship that will be a big comfort to Cirdan I think. Other than that Thea stayed home from school again, and spent the day on the couch watching Movies. I hope she will be well enough for school tomorrow, but I'm not sure. She was saying that she felt achy and sore still today. Her fever is gone though, so we'll see how she is in the morning.
Well this is less of a reflective response to my day and more of a journal entry, but oh well that's just how it goes sometimes.
I cared well for Cirdan, and cared for the others physically, but I was not as attentive as I would like to be overall.  It's got to be hard for Thea to be the sickie, and yet feel trumped in attention by her brother who seems to be in less pain than she is. Jaden and Zoe just sort of plod along, taking the lumps of being the healthy children, and being the youngest who never got as much undivided attention anyway. They both know how to get what they want though. Zoe knows that she doesn't have to beg for long before I'll give her whatever she wants so that I can focus on whatever has me worried at any given moment.  But I'm aware of the fact that that is not helping them in their life, and I do want to change that! It's frustrating to feel like life is too complicated for me to keep up!

Day 16 Grade: F

That is not putting it too harshly. I had a few redeeming moments, but mostly today was, as it's called these days, an EPIC FAIL.  I buried myself in online TV shows, and then flipped out at the end of the day. Thea is the sickie now, and it appears to be the same thing that the youngest two had already. The big difference is that she is more able to tell me how she feels, ask for what she wants, and (more to the point) moan, whine, and generally complain about how bad she feels. This is a legitimate thing for someone who is sick to do. Unfortunately I'm still behind on sleep, and lacking in compassion in general anyway, so add to that a child that is perpetually moaning, and I don't make it through the day with composure. It's one of my BIG faults. I don't know why it's so hard for me to feel compassionate about how the kids are feeling, but for some reason it is. It also didn't help that I am fighting off the same whatever-this-is. So I had a headache and sore throat and was general crummy feeling all day as well. Unlike Thea I don't get to curl up on the couch and have people wait on me hand and foot, but I still want that. ( I didn't wait on her hand and foot though, so I guess she didn't get that either)
If you guys ever read this, someday when you are much older, I want you to know I'm sorry.
*sigh* I'm really sad for the kids and what they had to put up with from me today. Tomorrow I have a plan! I will be getting up early with Solomon and we are going to get our quiet time together before the day begins.  Then perhaps the kids will have a prayer for having a loving mother for the day. I Pray that my children, my wonderful little professors, will have a loving mother tomorrow. I pray that I can have the grace to mend some of the hurt and fear I saw in their faces this evening.

Tirah was absent for the weekend due to illness

I am Finally able to post! The last 2 days were challenging to say the least. We survived, and are better today than we were yesterday. The youngest two profs were sick for the weekend, and sleep deprivation was at a high. We relied heavily on the TV to entertain the kids, and help us cope with such little sleep. I don't have much in the way of valuable reflections on these days other than to know that we were in pure survival mode the whole time. Everything I did was mostly concerned with how the kids were doing in their health.  They are recovered from the cold they each had, and the fevers they had have broken and are done. So I am hopeful that tomorrow we can return to "normal". School in the Morning for the oldest three, and I'll be here at home with the youngest two. That sounds like so much fun compared to the last couple days!  It was a mixed blessing as always to have this hit us on the weekend. we are better able to care for the kids, but don't get any weekend feeling or time. Solomon and I are both feeling like were fighting off something, so I pray that we sleep well tonight and don't get all the way sick.

Day 12 Grade:B

Today started with Prof Zoe waking up early and sad. I have never-the-less, not nursed her at all today, OR last night!!! that is a really big accomplishment! it begins to get us a bit closer to whole nights of sleep, not interrupted by a crying child, who can't figure out how to go back to sleep! we'll get there yet!!!
The rest of the day was up and down, as usual.  Getting ready for school went well, until the moment when it was time to put on shoes, when Prof Cirdan decided that it was too hard to tie his own shoes, and he was very angry about it! It works for him in class at school, he even brought home a tying award (it's really cute, a little square of paper with a string stapled on and tied in a bow) the trouble is though that he learns to tie on a little practice shoe, not his own foot, and his own foot is a lot harder. So he started crying, and then Prof Thea did too, but for her it was because her shoes were dirty on the inside, and she was convinced that they would be uncomfortable (they were fine, just discolored) anyway, we got Cirdan calmed down and helped him with his shoes, but then Thea just couldn't get herself in shape, and I hade to resort to threats of confiscation of her comfort blanket to get her moving. It was NOT the way I like to get out the door. We got to school just on time, and I forgot in the rush, to run in and tell the Secretary that my other TA (my sister Tykah) was sick and would not be there for class that day. Soooo, it was a rushed morning. But I pulled it together, and got a walk in before picking Cirdan up at lunchtime. The afternoon was OK, I had a little trouble with Thea and the homework for the day, but overall it was not too bad. the last bit of trouble came at dinner and bedtime (big surprise) I have really just come to be at peace (mostly) with the fact that I cannot prepare dinner and supervise cleanup at the same time, and if I try everybody suffers. So tonight I focused on making supper. When my main TA arrived I asked him to help with clearing and sitting the table. He dove in headfirst, and did a fabulous job! Even remembering that I hate it when the kids pile their various papers of scribbles and art on my desk and declare the table cleared. He instead made them sort the papers and claim their own pages. This however took a long time, because the kids didn't think his idea was a good one at all! None of this is new, the kids never like cleanup, but I think I am beginning to get a handle on dealing with that. mostly by simply observing what I do in response, and becoming more conscious about it. I still handle it poorly and I'm sure I'll keep handling it badly for some time, but I will notice! And that's what counts for the time being.

Day 11 Grade:B+

Today I noticed that I am feeling really good about this blog.  Just that I have succeeded in writing at least 200 words each day for 11 days now is great! Ok Ok I know, I missed one day and wrote twice the next, but I am reflecting on each day that passes, and that's the main idea. I have not missed several days in a row and that's a follow-through that is very satisfying. I do think too that it is having a positive impact on my daily life. Now granted that I have found that in life, when I have a really bad day, it is usually followed by a much better day by comparison. And on the other hand, really good days are almost always followed by really bad days. Hopefully today was enough in the middle that tomorrow can be pleasant also. I found myself struggling with Thea over her homework, and instead of losing my temper, and yelling at her when she was stuck in whine mode, I whispered. I found that it kept me calmer, kept my body relaxed, and helped to not feel physically angry. The other thing I did a lot today, was a sort of wrong reason, but right outcome thing. I was playing a game on my Ipod, that required minimal attention, but distracted me from my anger and frustration with the kids when they went into whiny mode. I have to find a way to do that more consciously, so that I can have the benefits of not getting so angry, but not have the appearance that I am not paying attention to the kids.
So writing this blog has been proving helpful in that I take the time to reflect on my day. I have not been judging myself for my failures and successes, though I have been grading myself, it's been keeping it intellectual. I have noticed things about the way I behave that I was unaware of before. Now that I notice those things, I can choose a different option. When I don't notice my bad behavior, I can't change it, but when I know what my tendencies are I can (try) to make a different choice.
So far just observing, seems to be effecting change, and that is very comforting.
I think I want to start pointing out to myself, the times that I speak to the Profs with scorn. Maybe that way I can change my habit.

Day 10 Grade:B

I waisted at least 2 hours today playing a stupid game on my Ipod. I'm going to delete it before I go to bed.
Morning: The TA and I once again woke early for devotional time together, and that helped once again to center me for the next part of the day. We got to school just on time, and without too much difficulty. The Profs were cheerful this morning, so we were all able to get up and out the door promptly. At 10 I led the children's music class I teach, and that was fun and went well. The moms and kids stayed after for an hour or so after and my closest friend stayed for lunch.
Afternoon: Prof Cirdan went to a classmates house for a play-date after school, and as far as I could tell, he had a lot of fun! Unfortunately, he came back tired and grumpy. The good news was Prof Thea and I were an awesome team for her homework! I am very happy with how things went! I wish that I could quantify why things went well, I'm really not sure. I was calm and that helps, but she was also in a good mood, and was in a very creative writing place, which made all the difference as her homework was to write sentences using her spelling words of the week. For once (ok it just felt like it's rare, it's not really rare) she chose a book from the library that was perfect for her reading level, and she did a beautiful job of reading from it for her homework reading.
Evening: Cleanup time was awful, including a horrible tantrum from Cirdan! I don't know how to make that any better. Dinner was late and a bit bland, but not too bad. Most of us piled on the extras and then it was plenty yummy. I was very grateful that my sister and her hubby did the dishes (Thanks guys!) and bed time was fairly OK.
I'm ending up with a B average here, I don't know if I'm any good at choosing my grade each day. it's very arbitrary so far...anyone out there who has a rubric for this sort of thing, leave it in comments, I'd love suggestions.

Day 9 Grade: B

Today I cared for the family. I took time to take a 40 min walk (it felt great!) I woke up around 5 am to care for Prof Zoe, and never really got back to sleep. That was OK as I got to have devotional time with the TA, and be a little more grounded for the day. It was very good that I got grounded, because the lack of sleep meant that I was very cranky today. I really enjoyed my walk and that helped. I spent a good portion of the day making gift items for a craft sale that's coming up soon. But the nice thing about the crafts I'm doing are the ability to stop and help children easily (not that I did very often but I still COULD have). I managed to make bread, do some laundry, pay a bill, make a call, etc. I feel like I got a good bit accomplished today. I had the kids begin the cleanup process much earlier than usual. I tried to make upbeat and fun. That lasted 5 minutes. Then we transitioned straight into the usual bargaining-threat-punishment-toy confiscation, escalation process. But I have to say that in the end the Profs did a great job of cleaning to the degree that I thought was needed. I was not as good at being civil as I could have been, but I was not as bad as I could have been either. Considering all the factors I think I got a B today.
I am trying to continue to remember that I love my Job.

Day 8 Grade: B

Last night I made time with My TA and sleeping, higher priority than getting my reflection posted, so here I am this morning!

The Professors did a really good job with cleanup last night, even working as a team of their own accord. I'm happy about that.

As far as my record goes for the day, I got an A for taking care of myself. I took a walk back from church, and went the extra long way getting a 2 mile walk. I was very aware of what I ate all day, and I feel very good about my choices. the only thing I failed to do was drink as much water as I should have. But I still drank quite a lot...oh...um...of water, water! Anyway, the Professors were teaching me a wide variety of skills today. Zoe is focusing these days on providing me with experience in volume management skills. My assignment is to solve problems involving high volume screams being used as ways of communicating. I have to come up with ways of guiding her to lean to communicate with other methods. My reward at the end will be that she stops screaming as her main method of communication. Jaden has tasked me with entertainment management. I have to consistently find newer and more interesting activities to keep him busy, the reward for success is that I earn a few minutes peace. The penalty should I fail, is chaos and crying.  The trickiest part of the assignments I receive is that there are never any instructions. The Profs simply behave in certain ways, and my educations is figuring out the best ways to react, or more often, NOT react. Trial and error is my main method. Occasionally I will read some text books on how others have managed their own Professors, but mostly I just try stuff and see of it works. I think the next thing I really need to get better at is remembering that if something I try does not lead to the desired results, then I need to change my methods.
Wish me luck....I'm kinda dense with this scientific method stuff.

Extra Credit

These are some funnies from yesterday that I didn't get a chance to share until now.
Jaden learned that his baby cousin would be coming over to visit, and he exclaimed "Oh baby?! I LOVE her! I am going to hug her today!" It was very hard not to laugh!
Then a bit later as I was making breakfast, Thea who was having trouble waiting, asked "can I have a snack to tie me over?" It was wonderful!
I love my Job.

Day 7 Grade: B+ but with a caveat

So I gave myself a B+, but it was in great part because I had lots of people around today, so I did my typical thing of not really showing my true colors when it comes to parenting. But I still take some credit (just some) for the good treatment my children received.
I also had a big theological discussion (read argument) with a family member, that got me really riled up. I tend to get really riled up with theological debates ... uh I mean, discussions. Something I'm just noticing now though, that is a positive outcome, is that the whole discussion reminded me that I MUST think positive! I tend to berate myself internally for being a "Bad Mom", in fact I probably think hundreds of negative thoughts about and to myself every day. And the part that baffles me is that the more I criticize myself, the worse I treat my kids (the professors as I like to think of them). So when I'm having a bad day with the kids, I yell at them, and then I yell at me, and then I yell at them some more. Bad downward spiral!
But I have also had days where I have successfully not yelled at myself. Those days, I replace my "Bad Mom!" talk with "I am a loving mother" and then (it really just seems like magic to me) I AM!!!  It's really amazing to me that positive self talk leads to positive behavior, and negative self talk leads to negative behavior. I'm guessing this is not unique to me, but it's so profound, yet easy to forget to practice.
OK, so I'm reminding myself every day that 1: I love my job, and 2: When I hear myself think critical thoughts, I turn it around and think uplifting affirming thoughts.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow! I just hope Prof Zoe sleeps well tonight, because as usual it's really late!
Goodnight!

Day 6 Grade:B

Today was a bit of a blur. I'm having a hard time remembering my interactions with the kids at this moment. Oh Right! I went with Prof Cirdan to the grocery store, and it was actually fun! He asked me when we could spend some time just the two of us, and I said I wasn't sure, but that it sounded nice. Then when I remembered that I needed some groceries, it inspired me. I enjoyed his company. It's a wonderful reminder that I actually do love my son...Wha? Oh! Ummmmm, I mean Prof.

I did a lot of cooking this afternoon and evening, and I enjoyed it very much. I made homemade pizza (OK I bought the crust as dough, but I baked it all!) and simultaneously baked two pumpkin pies. The oven was rather full, and the pies had to bake at the wrong temp for longer than they should have, because I got distracted, and forgot to take them out on time. But the pizza was a big hit, we all ate too much, and then after that was done we ate a whole pie between us. Which turned out fine despite the mistakes in baking. I whipped cream to top it of course. It's late now, because we're having a big family breakfast tomorrow, and I wanted to get everything ready. So, I got the hash browns diced and par-boiled, the pancake batter is in bowls of wet and dry ingredients waiting to be combined, and the bacon will be oven baked. My sister and her family are coming and they are bringing extra maple syrup, and blueberries. It's gonna be tons of fun! And a lot of dirty dishes, but that's OK it'll be a blast. 

OK but today...It started well, because Solomon facilitated so I could sleep in. Then we all got to go to a procession for the college here in our town. It's a fun thing to watch people you know process by all dressed up nicely. My professors came and had a wonderful time smiling and waiving to all the people they knew, and all the ones they didn't know too.

I'm working on Loving my job. I'm done talking about it negatively at least for a while, time to attract a good attitude to myself. I have four wonderful children, and they are teaching my every day how to love unconditionally. 

It's hard to love unconditionally, especially because it does NOT mean I let them do whatever they want. It means that no matter what they do, I love them. It means that I have to learn how to draw boundaries for them of what is right and wrong, and guide them to the right choices, hopefully. And yet, they are not grateful for this guidance, and so the unconditional comes in when I am teaching them that something they are doing or just did was wrong. They don't thank me for the knowledge, and I get to learn about loving them anyway!

I'm still figuring this out...it confuses me.... I'm going to bed.

Day 5 Grade: B-

I spent some time today hanging out with the youngest two profs. without turning on the TV or ignoring them. It went fairly well. I think I'm at a B- for today. Had the usual ups and downs, but I think overall that I handled myself fairly well. It helps that I had lots of people around in the afternoon.
Mostly I was thinking several different times today about the way I think of my job. It's my job to be a full time mom. I often think about how much I don't like my job. I think of it as being honest with myself to admit that. In fact about a week ago, a friend thanked me for saying how hard it is and how I don't like it a lot of the time. She said it felt good to hear that others feel the same way she does sometimes. I'm glad that it's comforting to her.
I was thinking today though about the law of attraction. How the more I think "I don't like my job" the more it will be true. And I am wondering how to go about changing my thinking about my job. I want to be honest, I don't think lying to myself will make me suddenly a perfect mother. I do think that affirming my desire to be a loving compassionate mother would be productive.
I have noticed that when I feel I have failed once again in being the mother I want to be, that I internally abuse myself, and get stuck in self-criticism. I have once or twice managed to keep my thoughts about myself affirming and loving and forgiving. I find that when I can do that: meaning have compassion for myself, that I am able to have that extend to my kids too. I'm going to try to keep thinking kind thoughts about myself.

Day 4 Grade:B+

This morning, I was putting the final touches on the morning assignments, by helping Prof Thea with her shoes. I had been doing rather well all in all, I had done all my homework the night before, and given myself a great chance to have the morning routine go smoothly. It had up until the shoes....I didn't recall several things about shoes. 1. That Prof Thea had run out of dress code acceptable socks, 2. that she had also gotten a small cut on her toe, and 3. that she had bruised the arch of the same foot (in fact I never knew about the bruise at all). So I had to dig out an old pair of socks that had been passed down to Prof Jaden, and that she insisted were too tight. I assured her that I would stretch out the socks as I put them on and they would be fine (they really fit, she is just very sensitive, and doesn't like it when getting the socks on is hard). Because she knew she had no choice, she complied, but as soon as I began putting the sock on she yelled in pain and started to accuse me of hurting her. At first I did not react well, I got very impatient with her and did not acknowledge her pain. I had to send her to her room, mostly for her protection, because I needed a time out from her. I was in danger of forcing her to sit down while I put the sock on, and without her cooperation, it would have hurt her a lot. So she went to her room and stewed and cried. I went to the Kitchen and calmed down. It was VERY hard to do. I had to force myself to breath deeply, and think rationally about how I was behaving. I had to remind myself of how I react when I am in pain (just like she does, with anger). I was able to get ahold of myself, with the help of lots of prayer. I then went up to her room, and ate crow. I took all the responsibility (even though I had a thousand justifications in my mind) and comforted her about the pain, saying that I would be VERY careful as I put her sock on, and that she would find that once it was on it wouldn't hurt anymore, and would protect the sore spots on her foot. We got through it. It was hard. I feel good that I was able to do what I knew was right. But I will tell you the truth: I have given birth to four children. At home, without painkillers. This was harder. I'm not kidding. Right then, I didn't even have any sensation of gratification, or satisfaction in a job well done. I was just angry and frustrated to be blamed for causing pain when I had no knowledge of the injuries. Annoyed that all my careful preparation for the morning was thrown off by the outburst of a drama queen girl who over-reacts to every pain and insult. I know that I should be compassionate with my children, but somehow, it does not come naturally for me, and that means that I have to force the behavior when the feelings are not there. I just hope and pray, that I will develop some automatic compassion for them. Right now it is anything but automatic.
The rest of the day was fairly typical, dinner was frustrating, bedtime worse, homework was tricky but it was better than it has often been. I think I give myself a B+. I don't feel good about the process, but I think I did what I know intellectually is the best thing to do. I'd almost say A, but I got mad before I got myself under control, and the rest of the day had enough lapses to bring it down the rest of the way.
But looking back, I am satisfied.

Day 3: B- ... I think...

Today began very well, and I got to have quiet devotional time with the TA before the Profs got up. That meant getting up at 6 am, but there are worse things in the world. Oh and just to make sure you know, I am married to the TA.....He's a great husband! 

I teach a preschool music class on Tuesdays, and that usually makes the morning both better and worse. Better because I get to socialize with the moms that bring their kids; and worse, because I inevitably have some last minute cleaning up to do at home before everyone arrives. While I'm getting that cleaning up done, something always throws a wrench in the works. This morning it was that the vacuum became so clogged that I had to stop getting the floors clean and take the whole darn thing apart so that I could finish getting ready. We sit on the floor for class, so the vacuuming cannot be skipped. Of course while I'm doing this the kids are their normal selves...um I mean the Professors. The older two profs go to school, but the younger are still pre school, so I have them home for class, and they don't help get ready as much as they might think they do. 

I was trying to think about  speaking with love to the Profs today, trying to make sure that each time I spoke to them I was loving and respectful.  If that is my criteria for my grade, and it's pass/fail? Then I fail. But I think for the sake of my morale, I should NOT use pass/fail for this. The times that I had the most trouble with this goal, were ate the stressful times of the day, i.e. getting to school, mealtimes, and of course bedtime. So I think I'll grade on a curve, allowing for the hardest times of day to carry less weight than other times.... So that means that I think I earned a......hmmm.....well......Maybe....OH I HAVE NO IDEA! It's really hard to figure how I should grade myself here! I didn't stay very tuned in to my kids today, that much I think I can say for sure. But when I was present in the moment, I did a good job, for the most part. Thea and I did great together on her homework. She flew threw the math, and actually listened when I gave her some explanations of the concept she was learning. Normally she just gets frustrated, and then I do too, and then we just both get mad, and want to quit! But today we were able to work together and get things done! I handled parts of bedtime well, and I handled dinner time REALLY well.

OK so I got up at the early hour I wanted to for the sake of my marriage, then I handled homework well, and then supper and bedtime were pretty good too. So I think looking back, that I should get a better grade than I was thinking at first. I think another B- would not be too high. It still gives me a lot higher to aim going forward.

Day 2 Grade: maybe a B-

So...I yelled at my professors less today than yesterday. I think that earns me a slightly better grade. Prof Thea was home sick from second grade. That was sad for her, she spent most of the day in her room listening to Dealing With Dragons on the Ipod. That made it easy not to yell, so I don't know if I should get credit for that or not.
All silliness aside, I do feel like today was a better day. I thought more about what I was choosing to spend my time on. That doesn't mean I played no games on my Ipod, but it does mean that I was consciously choosing to do so, at least most of the time. I put the professors to bed on my own, when normally Solomon and I team up for that. He had a bit more of his actual homework to complete, so rather than have it take until 9 or 9:30 for him to be finished, I went solo and he finished up simultaneously, and we were both done just after 8.
I worked hard not to let Solomon down today. I am too often selfish in doing what I want, and even more so, when I know Solomon is around and he picks up my slack. Today I was trying to be aware of what I chose to do, and only ask for help with my tasks if I actually needed the help. Too often I ask for help because I'm feeling lazy and I know he almost always says yes. So at least in that aspect I get an A, because I didn't do that once!
So Today, I was my imperfect self, trying hard to care for my family. I was less critical of Cirdan than I often am, I was fairly attentive to Thea, and I made a good supper. I didn't whine to Solomon that I have to work too hard (not much anyway), and I feel at the end of the day generally loving toward my family and kids. A bad day is usually marked by guilt as I try to go to sleep, and while I know I messed up several times today, overall I think I earned my B-....I think....Maybe I should outline some criteria for this class.....

First Day Of Class

Class Day: 1
Grade: C
So this is my reflective response for my first day of class. I first have to note that this class begins randomly several days into October....I don't know of any schools that start on such a date, but my school is a little different than any other. In fact it's tailored to fit just me. That fact is a big part of why I am here writing these reflections, that none of my professors will ever read. I believe that the President of the university of life (that would be God by the way) has made sure that I am exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing, in order to become the best version of myself that I can be. It's up to me to make the most of my education. So in the interests of doing just that, I begin my blog experience, and hope that this will be useful to at least me.

So, I am supposed to be reflecting on class yesterday...My grade for yesterday, would have to be maybe a C. Not a great grade I know. It all started at around 6:30 am when Prof Zoe called me into her office (crib) for a meeting. I managed to answer her question (would I nurse her? Yes) and return to my own desk (bed) before 7. Then one by one each of my professors came to my desk to ask for some small assignments, some of which I accepted, others I tried to delay. Prof Cirdan wanted breakfast, I asked him to get it himself. He wanted company in the kitchen, I asked him to take Prof Thea along. She didn't want to go, and neither did Prof Jaden. At this point my grade was pretty low, and I didn't really make it any better when I rolled over and asked my TA Solomon to get up with the Profs, because I was feeling tired and woozy (Just so you know I think that TA means Teacher Assistant or Maybe Teacher's Assistant, either way, if I'm wrong, that's just too bad). Solomon is a great guy and a fabulous TA. He took care of the assignments for the next hour while I got a little more sleep.

There were many ups and downs for the rest of the day, and several times when I was really quite a good student. But where I really lost any chance of a good grade was after dinner. I allowed myself to check out of here and now, leaving Solomon to care for the daily assignments of cleanup in the dining hall, and residence halls. My bad. I jumped in full force, when Solomon pointed out my absence, and we completed the end of the day assignments together. I did my best to see to it that Solomon was comfortable and had a fun evening until we too went to sleep. Hopefully today I'll do better and get a little closer to an A......well maybe at least I can manage a B-.