Day 65

Today I helped Thea with a math concept that was difficult for her. It was very hard. I think it was hard because I have so much of my sene of value wrapped up in how she does in school. If she does well that makes me look and feel good (or so I think) and if she is struggling then I am not helping her enough. I want to change my attitude to one of helping her, and not associating her results as a reflection of my worth.
I have come to see that while I think I experience feelings, I mostly mask them with anger. I feel safe when I am angry, it's not a vulnerable emotion. Anger is needed sometimes, but I use it all the time. It's the only one that I feel right away. I have to dig deep to find any others. When me mom passed away two years ago, I was so angry; angry at her for dying, at anyone who tried to offer comfort or sympathy, at everyone. The thing is, I'm not really sure how to start feeling other feelings. I want to, I would welcome clear guilt, grief, shame, sadness, depression...anything that was clearly something other than anger. I even experience physical pain as anger. when I get hurt, I feel the pain, and I express anger. If you are the unfortunate person who is nearby when I stub my toe really hard, I advise you to say nothing, and quietly leave my vicinity. The kids have been the unfortunate victims of that sort of anger far too often in this house. All I can do is try to work the steps. I will try and keep trying.
I have admitted that I am powerless over others, and that my life is unmanageable. But that is as far as I have gotten. I want to get going and move through all 12 steps right now! But that impatience is part of my whole life story and battle.
I wanted to be married and in the "happily ever after" stage for as long as I can remember. (I am so grateful that God led me to Solomon. If I had not found my way here, I shudder to think where I could have ended up) Now that I am married, I can't help looking forward to the 10 year mark, and all the experience I'll have then. I know now, or begin to know, that I will always be looking forward to knowing more, having more, If I don't change my attitude, I will spend the rest of my existence waiting for tomorrow, or next week. I want to live now. Here and Now. I don't want to wait until later anymore. The most frustrating and painful realization, is that the only reason I'm waiting like that, is because I think that then I will be the wise person who knows everything, that everyone looks up to. Because I will have been there done that by then. So really, it's just another way that I am seeking approval from others for my existence. I reeeeealy have to stop doing that.