Day 50: Sick still

So I was more sick today than yesterday. My headache got worse, my cold got worse, and I am so grateful for my sisters who did so much today! Between Solomon and m sisters I had lots of help and care. The kids were kept safe and happy, and I was able to collaps into a heap in bed. So that's it really, this is just a HUGE shout out to my sisters Abby and Tykah the most amazing little sisters on the planet!!! Without the two of you, I really don't know how I would have gotten through the day!!!
Solomon, you had to skip one class, and for that I am both grateful and sorry. You did all the taxi work, thanks, and you did breakfast, lunch, and cleaning the kitchen!!! You are amazing and you rock!

Day 49 Grade: Sick

Today is the 49th day since I began my Blog. I think that it has become less interesting as I have gone on. Sadly I dropped the Professor and Teachers Assistant language almost completely. I thought it was more fun when I was doing that. Oh well, we'll see what happens next.
I am sick. I have a cold. there is whooping cough going around the kid's school, so I guess I could have that. I find it unlikely as I had it about 15 years ago, and from what I thought I knew you don't usually get it again. If that doesn't bring comments, I don't know what will! :)
I don't feel well, that is the botom line. I want to curl up in a little ball and not have to do anything or care for anyone until I feel better. Solomon Rocks, as he is doing the most he can to give me just that. He is taking the kids to school tomorrow, just as he did today. And he did all the tasks that had to be done. He made supper, fed everyone, cleaned up from supper, did bed time etc, etc. He's wonderful incarnate as far as I'm concerned.
He has to go to classes however, so there is only so much he can do. He can't be here to take care of the youngest two, and be at class at the same time, so I have to see to the diapers, the snacks, and naps all on my own. I hope tomorrow isn't too bad.
Despite feeling sick most of today, I did very little yelling at the kids, almost none in fact! I stayed patient most of the time, even if I did verge on neglectful. I fell asleep on the couch twice, and the kids watched movies and played around me. So I am sick, and therefore not grading myself, but if I was grading, I think I got a B+.
I should be asleep right now, and I am tired, but I am afraid to lie down. As soon as I do my head will get completely clogged up, and I'll have to breathe through my mouth, and my headache will get even worse!
Well wish me luck!

Get back on the horse

So after a break of so many days it's hard to get back to this. We headed out to my dad's house for the holiday, and I obviously did no blogging during that time, so here I go trying to catch up.
I have made a commitment to Solomon and the kids that I will find support to do my job better. I really don't like how I treat the kids and Solomon. I am so up and down, in a moment I can go from fine to frantic, and I'm tired of it too. They deserve better.
My reflection is that I derive my self worth from the people around me rather than from God and from within. I must learn to see that I am not valuable based on approval ratings. Right now, when things go wrong, and the kids are mad at each other, at me, or in someway unhappy, I let that reflect on my performance, and then immediately feel angry and defensive. I feel right away that I have to find a reason outside of myself for why I am feeling angry and being mean to the people I am supposed to be caring for. I blame my circumstances for the way that I feel instead of knowing that I can choose how to feel no matter what my circumstances are. The trouble is that even though I can identify this, I don't know the first thing about changing it all. So I'm heading out to get help from those who have been there ahead of me.
I admit that I have a problem, and that it is making my life unmanageable, and I admit that I am powerless over it.
Please Lord be with me as I hand this over to you.

Day 44 Grade: D

Well, I just seem to spring back and forth. Today was productive but stressful. Solomon and I had very different experiences of the day. Solomon's parents came for a visit and through then I was having a lovely day, but somehow afterward my mood changed.
I remember feeling lonely when Solomon went to work on things upstairs when I was cleaning the kitchen. Maybe that was the beginning. We had a miscommunication about the kids watching TV. I thought he wanted to not turn on the TV at all today, and he just had meant that one time I was about to suggest it. I at one point tried to express my frustration with that policy on a day when we are preparing for a trip, but somehow the misunderstanding did not come to light. I was feeling frustrated with the kids, and wishing to turn on the TV, and feeling more and more lonely, and more and more resentful about Solomon's request. I finally expressed my anger to him, and he was completely surprised that I was upset about anything at all. He was having a lovely busy day, and didn't realize at all that I was not happy. We had a big argument and then let it drop, continuing with the tasks at hand to get ready for our trip. After supper, I was able to ask Solomon to talk more about it. It has been a long conversation, but I have learned a couple things. I need to work harder to remember that Solomon feels loved when I do nice things for him, like make supper and do the laundry, in other words, my normal tasks. How easy is that! all I have to do is my job, and my husband feels loved! Great right? Yes, as long as I remember that I am doing the tasks because I love my husband. I forgot that quite a while ago, and started complaining about all the work I had to do. That is the exact opposite for Solomon. Instead of feeling loved, he feels resented, and like I must think he's a burden. He tries to help by stepping up to do more tasks for me, and that only leaves me feeling more incompetent. Then I complain more, and the cycle goes on. Meanwhile Solomon was thinking that by helping out around the house that I would feel loved, because that is meaningful to him. I actually feel loved with hugs and kisses, and spending one on one time together. Things that we have not found much time for in the last week and a half at least.  So after a long talk and noticing the things we had been doing wrong, I am feeling much better. The problem is that I have left Solomon feeling awful. I don't want that. I want him to feel happy and hopeful. I do love him, and I want to be in this family and in this life.  It's time for some major prayer to find a way to help myself so that I don't burn out so badly. And that way I don't demand so much care from Solomon, and then, I don't freak out on him, and leave him feeling crushed. Help me out here Lord, what do I do?
Amen.

Day 43 Grade: B

Today was much better than yesterday. I'm feeling much more myself. I had the ability to be compassionate and loving with the kids. I had several times when I was great at listening and acknowledging their feelings.  Hooray!
A break and a day off helps a lot. I guess when I am on duty for 24 hours a day, three days in a row, it's not really surprising that I have a break down day.... Which was also the day off by the way. Solomon did everything as I said in my last post, and I spent the day crocheting and watching TV.
Today really was much better. My favorite parts were: doing homework with Thea, (in fact more than just homework, it was a packet sent home by her teacher so she can keep up for the days that she is missing thanks to whooping cough) and washing Cirdan's hair. Doing the school work with Thea was the most pleasant time we have had together on academics in, I think, ever. It was not hard to teach her the new concept that she is learning, and she was open to my instruction. I don't know what stars were in alignment to make that work, but I'm sure grateful!!!
The other, washing Cirdan's hair, is really more like a moment I am proud of than one I enjoyed. All my kids hate getting water in their eyes, not uncommon I know, but not all kids are as freak-out prone as mine. Cirdan usually gets so worked up when I accidentally get a drip down his forehead that any attempt at sane communication is over. Somehow I was able to be different tonight, and I calmed him and finished the task!
So there are some good successes, and I'm not going to be down on myself for the times I didn't do things well, or perfectly.
I am however very tired still and I need to go to bed, because tomorrow is going to be extremely busy!
Goodnight!

Day 42 Grade:F-

Today I screamed at the kids for being normal kids, bickering and arguing over toys. I ignored the distress of my 18 month old who is not feeling well. I compromised my ideals with medical care, so that I could sleep. I was a grumpy martyr that slipped into rage and uncontrolled selfishness. And that was all before lunch.
I thank the Lord that he kept me from physical abuse. I am also thankful that he strengthened me, and I had a few times of sensitivity and compassion.
We are sick in our house. At least most of us. We have had someone needing antibiotics administered daily, for almost a month, and since Friday, each child has needed a dose of antibiotics once a day, Cirdan twice a day. Thea takes them reluctantly, Cirdan only for bribes, Jaden (thank you Lord!) loves them, and asks for them (??), and Zoe has had almost none of them, because I have not found a way of getting them into her.
Zoe has had a fever, and has not slept well in I don't know how long. She had a fever for about 24 hours, then it broke, then it came back about 12 hours later. About 12 hours after that I gave in and gave her Tylenol. That might sound cruel, but I was giving her homeopathy before the Tylenol, which had been helping on the first round. The second round I couldn't help her with the remedies, so I gave in and gave her Tylenol, which I hate to do, because I ascribe to the concept that a fever is burning out an infection, so it's good to let the body do it's work.
Anyway I have not really slept even close to a good nights sleep in I think about 4 days. I'm very tired.
Solomon has been sick too, so he was not able to help me much. Today though he pretty much did all the useful or good things that were done, because I was either screaming at people, or watching TV. I want to know if I am the only one on the planet who goes through this. I can't imagine that I am, but am I in with all the child abusers? Or are there women out there who love being moms that still have days like this?
I really feel evil and bad. It's times like these that the temptation to leave comes in. Not because I don't love my children, but because I love them and feel like they would be better off without me.  I know that's not actually true, and that abandonment is more hurtful than slight dysfunction, and occasional really bad days. But on those really bad days, it does cross my mind.
Please pray for me.
Please be with me Lord,
Amen.

Day 40 Grade:B

Today...began a half hour before I wanted it to, and I spent most of the day trying to shake it off. Then came the news that we have pertussis in our house, meaning Whooping cough. Not. Fun.
I have so many feelings about it that I just don't know where to start. The school has just adopted a new policy that makes it really hard for me to choose not to use antibiotics. I'm sleeping on it, and I'll do what is best for the kids as far as I can figure. I don't want them to get sick, but I don't want to pump them full of strong nasty medicine either!  So that threw my day into turmoil, as I struggled with the decisions that have to be made.
I focused on completing laundry today, and I got many loads finished, and even put away! Yay! But not all, and every time I tell the kids it's time to put away laundry I get at least one complainer. I really don't like that. The day went OK, until cleanup time when all the kids fell apart. I was not wanting to have a big confrontation about it, but somehow it turned into all four kids crying almost simultaneously about the cleanup, or something else. Thea and Cirdan ended up in multiple timeouts, eventually complying only at the threat of being sent to bed without dinner! I didn't like it.
Solomon is sick, and not feeling well at all. I hope he feels better soon, we love him and don't want him to suffer.
I have got to get to bed too and hopefully not get this myself. Oh well, God's in control, not me. I'll prayerfully sleep on it, and hope that the decisions are clear to me in the morning.

Day 39 Grade:B

There were no big blowups or blowouts. Thea and Cirdan both completed their homework with only a little prodding from me. Zoe had a few fussy times, and she seems to have gotten into a very accident prone phase. She does things like go down the stairs with big books that she can't quite hold, and ends up slipping and getting a cut lip. She keeps climbing onto the dining room chairs, and then onto the table. Sometimes, she doesn't quite make it onto the seat of the chair and cries for help because she gets stuck. I keep running around pushing in chairs, and trying to keep her on one floor of the house. But of course other people in the house open gates, and use the chairs (me included!) and she ends up in the same situation again. Well, I guess she's learning, and I'll keep the ice pack handy. Jaden was a sweet boy most of the day, the only hard moments with him were frustration on my part when I stepped out of the car to pick up Cirdan after school, and Jaden's separation anxiety kicked in. It took him a good three minutes after I was back in the car (I had only been out of it for about 15 seconds) for him to calm down. Other than that his fear only amounted to calling me to know where I was in the house a few times. I think that's improvement.
I was reading some of 7 habits of highly effective people, and I'm enjoying it so far. It seems to be describing things that are familiar to me; Patterns of behavior that I notice in myself daily, and want to change but don't know how. Now I'll just have to see if this book has some ideas on how to begin.
I continue to think that I really need to begin in my own head. I had more chances to treat myself with kindness, and for the most part I did OK.
I would like to pick one thing to work on in my external life, that I feel like I can get really good about, like dishes or laundry or vacuuming. I'm not sure what to start with though. Hand me a hard day of little sleep, and it's really difficult to want to keep that task done.
Well I do believe in the human ability to change and improve, and I know that there is little in this life that I have any control over. In fact there is NOTHING that I have control over. But God has control over everything, and He has given me a blessing to be able to use His abilities to do what I can. Choices is one of the things that I can do. I can make good choices. I'll keep trying to make good choices as long as I live.

Day 38 Grade: I'm just not sure...

SO I could reflect on today in light of motherhood, or wife, or housekeeper. But I think I need most to reflect as myself. I have done a fairly good job the last couple days at being nice to myself. That doesn't mean being lazy, though it doesn't rule it out, it doesn't mean treating others with nastiness or being mean. What I mean, is that I have not been thinking negative thoughts about myself. I have been somewhat ignoring myself actually in that I have not taken time to internally scold myself and point out all the things I've done wrong. In many ways, I've just chilled out. I've been taking things one thing at a time.....I think.
I do feel a little like I'm just ignoring things, but I'm trying to stay aware of my behavior. The last two days at least are a blur... The kids will go to school tomorrow, and I'll find out if I can get back to my routine then.
I do in the end want to treat everyone in my life with love and kindness, but I think a big part of what I seem to have to learn over and over, is that being nice to myself, is really where I have to start. I have to trust that the rest can come later. I have been doing a decent job of caring for everyone's physical needs. Different medicines administered at different times. Trips coming up that have to be thought about, Money to be managed...it goes on and on and on and on and on....
I just want to find a way to keep in mind that everyone in the house (and the whole world for that matter, but I treat strangers very well) myself included, is deserving of respect and love. I want to learn to treat myself with love and respect. then I have to transfer that to the rest of the people in my life. The top priority is the younger kids, my kids, the ones I gave birth to. I look at the outside of it all, and think that I really should just automatically give them my best, and first love and care...and in some ways I do. But I treat them all too often as though they deserve no say in the matters of their lives. I complain that they interrupt me when I am talking, yet I do the same to them. I hate it when the pester me and repeat my name dozens of times, and yet that is exactly what I do to them! The problem is that it is not at all automatic for me to treat them any better. I tend to treat them the way I feel they treat me. The all too common misinterpreted Golden rule: twisted from golden to horrible in one simple step.
When they want my attention I usually don't give it. and yet I get insulted when someone doesn't give me their attention. I really need to figure that out.

Day 37 Grade: B

Let me think....we slept in, no one went to school: Solomon is done for the term, just one exam left; the three kids in the house that are in school have to wait until lab results are in to see if we have whooping cough in the house. I don't think we do have whooping cough, there was a cold that ran through, but everyone (with the exception of Solomon she is just getting it, poor man) seems to be getting better, and we only had a few small coughs, that were clearly caused by excess phlegm, something common to the common cold.
But the upside was that we all slept in. That was really helpful to me as Zoe awoke at 12am last night, and didn't go back to sleep until 2:30 am. So I was a bit short on sleep again. I'm hoping to pop off to bed soon now, so that I can be ahead of the game sleep-wise. But I am feeling confident that Zoe is almost completely over her cold, so I don't feel bad about letting her fuss until she falls asleep...at least I'm going to try to let her...there are limits to how hard I will let her cry before I just feel too guilty.
Oh right! Today... Yes it went well, mostly. I limited our movie intake so that we had big breaks between movies. We spent some time outside, and insisted on veggies and fruits at snack times before the crackers and pretzels were consumed. Lunch was just Mac n' Cheese, but we had several rounds of vitamin C throughout the day, so overall I think we are doing well, and on the mend. I even did bath time before we went to our good friends home for supper (we checked first, they weren't worried about whooping cough).
I kept the kitchen tidy all day!!! I feel really great about that!
My default with speaking to the kids is cross sounding, and impatient, I'm working on becoming more aware of that.
I do feel successful about bath time, they love the "play in the water" part, but when we get to the "wash hair" Part, they all freak out! Thea is getting to where she can basically wash her own hair, but the other three youngsters can't. They all have huge worries about getting water in their eyes, and that makes it really hard to wash anywhere above the neck. I did OK and stayed calm through their screams. Solomon was feeling worse and worse over the evening, so by the time we came home from dinner, I decided to do kids bedtime solo, so he could rest.
I am not in control of Solomon's health, and to an extant neither is he. Please Lord help him heal, let him wake up tomorrow feeling worlds better, and be able to do his work, and not be exhausted! I love him.

Day 36 Grade:B-

Last night went much better. I did go to bed around 9p.m., which is a good 2 or 3 hours earlier than I usually go to bed. I got a solid 6 hours of sleep before Zoe woke up and needed me. Solomon was ready to go in and take care of her, and as much as I was grateful for his willingness, I couldn't sleep through her crying. She was only crying because she wanted me, so I went ahead and took her. It actually wasn't that bad. Ultimately she and I spent the rest of the night on the couch in the living room. I had been prepped for that possibility, so we had blankets and a pillow to make ourselves comfy. She was ready to get up around 6 as usual, and the day began from there.
The day had it's ups and downs, but I didn't push myself too much, and I stayed fairly cheerful overall. I still spoke harshly to the kids several times, and I could have done better. But overall I'm feeling good about how I was. I was not the short fuse that I was yesterday. I am a bit sad that I didn't go to bed as early tonight as I did last night. I know I need to put some effort onto getting extra sleep. I have to try to get ahead because all the kids have the potential to get whooping cough any second now.
 I love my Kids, they are wonderful teachers. They were very cooperative at some key moments tonight, and that was wonderful. Cirdan went into "Helpful Boy" mode (I love it when he does that!) and made his bed, Jaden's bed, and did a lot of the cleanup in the living room and bedroom. All the kids were wonderful for getting into PJ's and brushing teeth etc.
Thanks Lord for sweet children. Thanks for forgiving me for not being a perfect mother, and giving me the opportunity to do better every day.
I forgot to keep reflecting on things that I am not in control of. I am not in control of the kids health. I cannot control if they get whooping cough or not. I cannot control if they are exposed to whooping cough from a classmate. But I am in control of how I choose to care for them, with their best interests at heart, and with compassion for them when they feel lousy. So I'll try to always be understanding when they are sad and icky feeling.

Day 35 Grade:C-

Today was a mix. Zoe didn't really sleep until 3 am this morning, and I spent some time with her in her room, some with her in bed with me, some downstairs in the living room watching movies. She was finally tired, and went to sleep willingly at just before 3 am. Solomon was wonderful and got up when the Professors woke up around 6 am. I was able to sleep until almost 9 am, though it did not help me feel truly rested. The rest of the day is mostly a crabby sleepy haze. It went OK, not too much yelling on my part. That is until bed time. Tonight didn't go so well. The cleanup and before-before bed routine went well overall, but once we were up to brushing teeth, and using the potty it was a different story. The kids were behaving, I just had negative quantities of patience tonight. The kids were not as fast as I wanted them to be and even a hint of complaining or whining was absolutely unbearable. Several times I got very crabby and harsh, for no reason at all. I am feeling really bad about it, but I don't really know how to make it right. I just need to get some sleep, and feel beter and then maybe I can be human enough to treat my family well.
I really dislike it that it feels like I simply cannot function unless I get my body perfectly taken care of. I really wish that I was better at rising above the physical state of my body, and just be the person I am trying to be no matter how I am feeling. Something to aim for I guess.....

Day 34 Grade: B

I did a fairly good job today when there were conflicts with the kids. Tonight Zoe was very difficult to put to bed.  I stayed calm and upbeat through the time that I was trying to get her to sleep. I had wanted to climb into bed early, because I keep being so behind on sleep these days. But of course I was still trying to get Zoe to go to sleep by the time I had intended to be in my own bed. I hung in there for a good 30 minutes after my goal time, and then I decided to let her cry for a bit while I got ready for bed.  After I was ready for bed I planned to either go back in, or ask Solomon if he could take a shift at soothing her to sleep. Solomon has some what recovered from his injury, but he is still in too much pain, to hold Zoe, so all he can do is sit by her crib, and offer words of comfort and his wonderful calming presence. He did a wonderful job, tonight. He actually came and found me while I was brushing my teeth, and asked if I wanted him to try. It was SO nice to feel cared for like that. He did go in then, and I think it was about another 20 minutes, until she went to sleep. I am grateful for his help, he is wonderful.
The rest of the day went very well, all things considered. I took my part-time professor Tykah to the Pediatrician because she might have Whooping Cough. She had an exam and then did a great job enduring the nasal swab that is needed for the test. Yuck!!! Poor thing.
The other profs, had an OK day. There were some times of conflict, around meals, and movies, and bed time, but overall they were small issues. I was able to stay patient for the most part. I did get frustrated when I was interrupted in the phone calls I had to make. I tried to be nice about it, but I think that was probably the low point of my behavior.
I did not get as much housework done as I wanted; the kitchen is not the beautiful clean place it was a couple nights ago, but I was having a great deal of trouble staying away in the afternoon, which was the earliest I could have done anything about the kitchen anyway. But I did get some of the dishes done tonight before supper, so it's better than it had been!
I'll try to stay focused on caring for every one's health tomorrow....
Now, To BED!!!!!

Day 33 Grade:B

The hard moments today were all surrounding Prof Thea throwing me several pop-quizes. She seemed to be focusing on reminding me that it is hard for some people, and small children in particular, to change plans in a hurry. When there are expectations, and a pattern that is usually followed, it is extremely hard for some folks to shift their image of how things will run. When those expectations are not met, or routines fail, it is very upsetting. I had 3 or 4  times today when I had to find ways of soothing Prof Thea through just such a situation.  As we headed out to school, I had to help Thea through a decision about where in her back pack to place the library books that needed to be returned. Then in the afternoon, there were differences about how to do the homework papers, as the were different than they usually are.
There was at least one more time after that, but I don't remember what exactly started it. But I passed with good mark on the tests and feel satisfied with my performance.
The other parts of the day went well overall, and the youngest two professors were good company while we all went to visit a friend and her three small kids. I feel fairly good about the day, and I hope to do even better tomorrow.

Day 32 Grade: A, I think....Maybe

Today went well I think. Cirdan had both his doses of nasty medicine without complaint, homework was accomplished with some trouble, but I stayed calm and patient for the most part. Dinner was ready a bit early, and we managed to do cleanup before eating! I am the most proud of the fact that I kept the kitchen clean all day!!! I had emptied the dishwasher in the morning, and consistently rinsed and put newly dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Then after the kids were down to sleep, I went back, finished loading the dishwasher, ran it, and did all the hand washing. I even set up the coffee maker to brew automatically for us in the morning. I'm feeling rather good about how I did my job today.
I do find it interesting that I am feeling more satisfied, about the kitchen work, than about administering medicine, and helping with homework. I'm more satisfied to have a clean house than to have connected with the kids on a meaningful level...That's interesting to notice. I have no idea why I feel that way, I wish I knew. I did spend some time with Thea in the evening and at bed time. Zoe and I had some play time today, though not much. Jaden and I have probably had the most playful time together on a daily basis. because we spend so much time in each others company, we have grater opportunities to have connection and fun.
I Pray that tomorrow I can continue the good times, and hang onto the clean kitchen. It lifts my spirits to have at least one clean space in the house.

Day 31 Grade: Somewhere in the B's

Today went fairly well. Zoe has not adjusted to the time change, so she woke up at a little after 5:00 am and was sure it was time to get up. So I got up with her, and we had a quiet hour while, I crocheted, and she had an early TV breakfast watching "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" one of her favorites. Solomon and I were able to have our daily devotional time before the kids got up, and we were almost completely ready to go to school by 7:09 am. This was actually a bit of a problem, as we cannot go to the school until 7:45. We sat around, and fiddled, and then, got there just in the nick, as the extra time made us complacent. Ah well, so it goes.... and that's OK.
I had a productive morning, cleaned the house quite a bit, including finally doing all the dished for the first time in several days. I piled things into the dining room more than I should have really, so that the living room would be ready for Do Re Mi class, but I cleaned the rest up this evening before dinner, so that's OK too.
I did a good job asking for help today too. When it was time to help Prof Thea with her homework, she was struggling with emotional upset about it, so I realized that I was not going to be able to follow my plan for dinner, and help her at the same time. I asked Abby to help me with dinner, and in the end she did almost all the work, with a little help from me. She is wonderful and the Pizza was delicious! I helped Thea with her assignments, and I did a great job being patient even when she was cranky.
Then we all worked on cleanup together, and that was my low point for the day. It was hard to motivate the kids, and I wanted them to assist, as a lot of the mess was thanks to them. But it meant lots of arguments, and I could have handled it better. In the end I stopped asking for their help, because it was causing so much fighting. But I hope in future to keep working on that and gain some grater skills in motivation from a positive place.
Bed time went really well overall, and as I read to the Prof's from the Narnia series (The Last Battle) both Prof, Zoe, and Jaden fell asleep on their own in their own beds! Hooray!!! And on top of that, though I have heard her cry out now and then, she has gone back to sleep without my interference!!!! This is a really big deal, and I am hopeful for a good night!

Day 30 Grade: B+

Today began at 5:00 am... well no it really began at 6:00 am, but it felt like 5 thanks to the time change. It really hasn't sunk in for me just yet.
Today was interesting. It began with quiet devotional time and breakfast with the TA. That was a nice way to start things off, and he gave me some great encouragement. It's very hard for me to think positive thoughts about myself lately, and that's making it harder for me to function. I know that from experience, and yet I'm having a really hard time trying to think more positively about myself. So having Solomon say that he believes in me, really helps me remember that I should be trying to believe in me too.
The morning went well,  getting kids off was OK, not perfect, but no big tantrums, or timeouts needed, and the kids were well behaved and cooperative too.
I then went for a walk while I talked on the phone with my sister. That was nice, and helped me remember that I am not the only person on the planet. When I came home I had a visit with a friend for most of the rest of the morning. That was nice too.
While we visited, I did a decent job of being aware of the youngest two Professors, and took care of their needs fairly well. There was some teary feedback from Prof Jaden, because we were having a dialogue about wants versus needs, and appropriate emotional expression.  Having visitors always helps me be patient, because I keep my temper in check when I am observed.
Two doses of nasty medicine were successfully administered to Prof Cirdan,  with great cooperation on everyone's part. Prof Thea and I did an intense session of homework, with an emotional episode. It went well from my point of view, I stayed calm, stayed present, and helped her overcome her own mental blocks, and figure out the math problems she had to complete. I feel really good about that.
I used a reward system very heavily today, and things went really well, partially as a result.
Now, I am supposed to be including a reflection on how I am not in control.
Today is a great example of when I can fall into the illusion that I am in control, because what I tried to do today, seemed to work. But the truth is that I was blessed today with patience from God, and that patience helped me hang in when I was temped to give up or get angry. With God all things are possible, and though I went into the day unsure about what I could do to have a better attitude about my duties, and assignments, God was with me, because the day went well.
Thanks, Lord, for the parking space.

Day 29 Grade: it's really not important to me right now

I am focusing on ways that I am not in control. I am not in control of my kids attitudes. Cirdan was not in a helpful mood when it was time to clean up the toys tonight. We had two rounds of time outs, and in the end nothing changed. He was forced to do the task, because he preferred it to having yet another time out. But overall he was not a helpful young man, he was a stubborn little brat! I cannot control him. He is able to make choices for himself, no matter how much I may want him to change or be different. Nothing I say or do will change his attitude, at least there is no guarantee. Occasionally I may get better results from him, depending on my approach, but even then there is no promise that I can brainwash my little guy to follow my instructions. I have told all the kids at some point or other, that they really must follow my instructions without question, because it might save their life one day. They look at me like I'm crazy, while I worry that they will fall off the wall in the yard and break their neck, even though I told them not to climb on the wall! I worry that they will run into a street or parking lot and get hit by a car. None of this changes the fact that I cannot force them to listen to me. I can offer rewards, and punishments. I can pray that they are willing to listen. I really hope they can learn from my mistakes. I really pray that they learn to have an emotional maturity that I feel I lack. I pray that they will have grater ease finding the joy in their daily lives.
I am feeling guilty that I don't find grater satisfaction in my daily life. I am so blessed to have the wonderful family that I do. I have an absolutely fabulous Husband, who works so hard and takes such good care of me and the kids. Not just in a paycheck but in quality time spent with us, playing laughing, and talking. I have four beautiful children that are funny, cute, smart, and enlightening. And yet I seem to forget every five minutes or so, just how wonderful they are! Caring for them does not seem lately to lead to a sense of satisfaction, and success. I complete tasks, only to have to turn around and do them again ten minutes later. It is very hard to find fulfillment in that.

Day 28 Grade: C

I'm not in charge, and that's OK, and just as it should be. I must do good things, because they are from God, and not do bad things because those are from Hell, and I should do all this as if it is me with the power to do it all while knowing it's only God who does all things.
I did OK today. Cirdan took 2 doses of his medicine, and even got through the second round with amazing speed.
I have hit the wall this evening, and I'm frustrated with my physical exhaustion, but I look back on today, and I did try to do good things, and be kind. I made a big breakfast meal, for lunch, and everyone enjoyed that a lot. I had a good mood and attitude about it too, and I think of that as a success. I took care of my niece for about 45 minutes, while her parents went to a wedding, and that was fun. It felt good to be able to give them a baby free wedding (that sounds odd). I did consciously think my "I'm not in charge" phrase a few times today, but not at the best times I could have. It was a good day from my perspective though, and I hope that tomorrow I will also be able to remember that I am not in charge.

Day 27 Grade: F and that's OK

I'm not in charge. That is what I have learned this week. I will continue to learn this for many many years I am sure.
There is a joke: a guy is driving around a parking lot looking for a parking space, late for his appointment. He bargains with God saying: "Lord if you will provide me a parking space, I promise that I will start going to church every week, and I'll stop taking your name in vain! In fact if you will get me a parking space, I will testify about your amazing work in my life!" Just then a parking space opens up right in from of the building, right as he pulls up. and he says "OH! never mind, I found one."
This Joke is one that I always laugh about, and yet (or maybe because)  it is me.  I realize when things are hard. I complain loudly and often. I even go so far as to pray for help.  And then, when things get better and I recover from whatever the hard thing was, I go about my business as if I handled everything just the way I should have and take all the credit for it. Or a least absolve myself of blame.
I treated the kids badly because I was ridiculously tired. That's true, but the conclusion is not that I can be forgiven because I'm tired. The conclusion is that the Lord in in control, not me,  and that if I turn to him for the things that I don't have, then I can do the actions that are right and good, no matter how tired I am.
I am going to reflect at the end of each day for the next seven days on the ways that I am not in control. Hopefully I will start to notice in the moment (all the time) that I am not in control, and ask for help. Then when it is given, to give credit where it is due, and NOT pull an "Oh, never mind".

Day whatever grade: whatever

It was a bad day. I yelled, I screamed, I made the children responsible for my feelings, and was contempt-ful and sarcastic. The real problem though is that right now, I have little or no desire to change that or apologize for it all.
I want only two things, a good night of uninterrupted sleep, and a day (or five) off. I want a break. I want to go away, think, rest, and gain perspective. Then I can come back to my job with renewed resolve, commitment, and love for my little Professors.
The problem of course is that I can't have a day off and a solid night of sleep. It's not available. And feeling sorry for myself, and only thinking of myself is counter-productive. It does not lead to job satisfaction and happiness. Nope, not at all. Right now I am on a path that leads to a huge desire to get away and not have to  serve one more meal to people who say thank you without meaning it, and them complain about what I made; People who are sick, and only gripe about the money I spend, and the time I take to care for them. I'm very sick of it all, and I want a day off. I want a chance to reflect that it's my job to do the work that I get criticized for and not thanked for. It's my job to put up with small children that are in essence, cute little bundles of needs. They do give things, and blessings come with caring for them, but at this moment I have no idea what that is. All I know is that I am washed out, and want to check out, but I can't.
That was my day.

Day 25 Grade: D-

So, Solomon is out of commission for a few days as far as helping much around the house is concerned. And I had a full blown melt-down tonight. Zoe is therefore learning to sleep without me tonight. The kids were being difficult, for lots of reasons, one big one being Halloween Candy (it's going away tomorrow) and because of me. I am a bit of a basket case because I have been trying to help Zoe sleep the last few nights by sleeping in her room on a make-shift bed together with her on the floor. This has caused me to sleep poorly, and it has not helped her sleep well. So I am abandoning the experiment. She has had to put herself back to sleep for the most part tonight. I have gone in to see if she is OK twice, and once she had a poopy diaper, so I changed it and walked her around a bit before I put her back in her bed. She is not liking it, but she has not been crying for too long each time, So I'll hang in there as long as I can and hope things get better in a few days,
I'll be praying, you are welcome to pray too, in fact I'd appreciate it.

Day 24 Grade:B-

Day 24 for the record was November 2nd. I'm behind by about a day and a half for posting. I'll try to catch up now. Tuesday was a fairly good day. It usually is as I get a pretty good amount of socializing in.
I was ok with the kids, and it was only in the afternoon, with the beginning of dinner prep, that I was starting to get cranky. I was just getting the food on the table, when I got really frustrated with Cirdan's attitude and he wasn't getting what I was having a problem with. I sent him to his room. Solomon was holding Zoe, and helped me by escorting Cirdan to his room. On the way back down the stairs He slipped on the step, and fell, protecting Zoe from harm, but because of that faling hard on his right forearm. One trip to the ER and about two hours later we were back home, without a broken arm. He's badly bruised, and will continue to be sore for days, but there's no break! I'm thanking the Lord for that!
Of course that means that he's really not able to help me with things the way he usually does, so that leads into....

Day 23 Grade: A-

I was not perfect, but I did a really good job, so I get an A-, mostly because I need to leave room for improvement. Zoe is having trouble sleeping. I don't know why. she doesn't seem to have an illness of any kind. But she is needing to have me near her to be able to sleep. so last night I slept on a mattress on the floor with her on her crib mattress next to me. It worked out OK.
I still managed to do a good job with being nice to the kids. After I brought Thea and Cirdan home from School I had several chances to handle their cranky behavior, and I did a very good job! I did not speak to them with contempt, as I am prone to doing. I did not allow them to engage me in arguments that had no solution, but I acknowledged their feelings too most of the time. Thea wrote me a note later about how much she loves me and hopes that we can go out sometime soon. I take that to mean that she had her needs met at least some, and did not feel badly treated. I know this because she often writes me notes in which she expresses her feelings, including notes that say things like "Mama I do not like that you are being mean to me!" and that sort of thing. So, I give myself a high grade for today, and hope that I can do as well on Day 24. I am only managing to post this now, because just as I was beginning to write it, Zoe awoke from sleep and needed me, so I stopped writing to care for her. That improved my grade as well.