Today was not very productive...There is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and I am out of socks...and yet I did no dishes or laundry.
I am trying to just be. Just allow myself to exist. I have been very angry with God lately. I have had a falling out about my own ability to choose my life. I know intellectually that God's plan is the right one to follow. I know that He has a better idea of what is going to be a good thing in my life than I do. This has been proven to me thousands of times over in my short life.... But I find I still have quite a lot of resistance to just giving Him total control. When He makes it plain that He is in control, (despite my best efforts to take it) I tend to react with a huge amount of anger! I really want to be able to make choices, and stick to them. To be able to decide what I want in certain areas and get to have that decision stand. Of course that means that God has no choice but to show me that I really don't have that control.
So like I said, in my intellect I know that God has a great plan for me, but in my heart I am really REALLY Pissed off! I don't like his current plan as it is unfolding for me, and I am trying to resist. That is a totally useless exercise of course, and only leaves me more frustrated.
So though I have been getting little or nothing done, I am trying to acknowledge my feelings and be in them, and aware of them, so that I can work on letting go and letting God be in charge.
I think I did a little of that today, not much, but a little.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Day 81
Yes I went from day 89 to 81, that's because I decided that if I'm gonna miss days then I shouldn't count them.
So I have been lost in the fog for the last several days. I am trying to come out of it. I don't really want to leave the fog, it's quiet in there, no voices to hear criticizing myself, and no reality to interfere with my pleasant fantasy that my life consists of other people's fictional lives. I have been watching TV almost non-stop for the last several days. That went from taking time to have fun and seeing that I am allowed to have fun, into hiding in it and not facing my life. So I'm trying to bring myself back to self awareness at least a little. I must get back to this post every night, because there are days that it is the only time I spend being present in the moment. Right now I am here sitting in my bed geting ready to sleep. I am typing and thinking about what to type next.
I have been in pain in the last few days, really trying to understand what the Lord has in store for me. Trying to trust that His plan is much better than anything that I could come up with. But at the moment I'm more in a place of just angry and frustrated with unexpected surprises that I am faced with. That's why I have been hiding.
A friend gave me a phrase tonight that feels very appropriate, it was to remind me to "watch the show" my show, the show of me. Just watch as if I am an audience member, not judging or trying to change myself. It's a simple observation technique that I am familiar with, but calling it a show, is really helpful for some reason that I can't articulate.
So tomorrow I am going to watch the show.
So I have been lost in the fog for the last several days. I am trying to come out of it. I don't really want to leave the fog, it's quiet in there, no voices to hear criticizing myself, and no reality to interfere with my pleasant fantasy that my life consists of other people's fictional lives. I have been watching TV almost non-stop for the last several days. That went from taking time to have fun and seeing that I am allowed to have fun, into hiding in it and not facing my life. So I'm trying to bring myself back to self awareness at least a little. I must get back to this post every night, because there are days that it is the only time I spend being present in the moment. Right now I am here sitting in my bed geting ready to sleep. I am typing and thinking about what to type next.
I have been in pain in the last few days, really trying to understand what the Lord has in store for me. Trying to trust that His plan is much better than anything that I could come up with. But at the moment I'm more in a place of just angry and frustrated with unexpected surprises that I am faced with. That's why I have been hiding.
A friend gave me a phrase tonight that feels very appropriate, it was to remind me to "watch the show" my show, the show of me. Just watch as if I am an audience member, not judging or trying to change myself. It's a simple observation technique that I am familiar with, but calling it a show, is really helpful for some reason that I can't articulate.
So tomorrow I am going to watch the show.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Day 89
Ahhh the weekend. It was a nice day, but I didn't get a lot done. Thanks to Solomon we did a lot of laundry sorting and putting away, but after that I was done. I spent the rest of the day taking it easy, and watching TV. It's OK though, I was needing some down time.
I did make a big family breakfast of waffles and scrambled eggs, so I was not a complete lazy person. Ugh, there I go again, my default to put things in negative language, diminishing what I did well.
Let me try this again...
I had a great day, Solomon made it possible for me to sleep in a bit, which felt really nice. Then when I got up, I took a shower, and then made a big breakfast (which was really brunch) of waffles and scrambled eggs. Then the kids and Solomon and I all worked together to get the laundry that was clean (quite a big pile) sorted and put away. It was great!
Solomon took some time to play in the afternoon just doing things he enjoys, recharging from all the busyness. I did the same, watching some more of the TV show that I have been watching online. I was feeling tired despite sleeping in, so Solomon made dinner as a favor to me. He worked really hard all day almost, I'm really glad he took some time for himself. I feel good that I took time for myself, and didn't push myself when I was feeling tired. My body was probably telling me to take the opportunity to rest when I could. So today was a good day, and I am hoping to make tomorrow another balanced and positive day.
I did make a big family breakfast of waffles and scrambled eggs, so I was not a complete lazy person. Ugh, there I go again, my default to put things in negative language, diminishing what I did well.
Let me try this again...
I had a great day, Solomon made it possible for me to sleep in a bit, which felt really nice. Then when I got up, I took a shower, and then made a big breakfast (which was really brunch) of waffles and scrambled eggs. Then the kids and Solomon and I all worked together to get the laundry that was clean (quite a big pile) sorted and put away. It was great!
Solomon took some time to play in the afternoon just doing things he enjoys, recharging from all the busyness. I did the same, watching some more of the TV show that I have been watching online. I was feeling tired despite sleeping in, so Solomon made dinner as a favor to me. He worked really hard all day almost, I'm really glad he took some time for himself. I feel good that I took time for myself, and didn't push myself when I was feeling tired. My body was probably telling me to take the opportunity to rest when I could. So today was a good day, and I am hoping to make tomorrow another balanced and positive day.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Day 88
I forgot to post before I went to bed last night. Oh well, that's OK.
The rest of the day was really quite wonderful. I was able to get quite a few tasks done that I have had on my to do list for a long time now. And on top of that I spent a good chunk of the morning playing with the littlest two kids. We really had a lot of fun, reading books, stacking blocks, and laughing together. I stayed present with myself and them. In the afternoon I took care of myself by going to the Gym and walking for a half hour. That was the second day in a row, and if I can get through the snow that's falling I'm gonna try to go today as well.
I am going to focus going forward on not worrying what others think of me. I have my life, and my choices, and I do not have to justify them to anyone. Yet I feel so self conscious about my choices, and life, and I am so worried about what other people might be thinking, that I volunteer information that is really no one else's business. They didn't set out to be nosy, I just offer it and hope that it keeps them from thinking badly of me. It's probably really annoying from their point of view, but they are kind and say nothing. I really have to get over that because I'm going to be in a really miserable existence if I keep this up.
So that's going to be a big focus for me in this new year. I'm allowed to take time to have fun, and it has nothing to do with what others think of me! I do it because it's what is good for me, and by extension, my family! I'm allowed to wait a bit longer to wash the dishes so that I can watch a TV show that I like or go to the gym. If the house is not spotless, I don't have to make apologies or excuses to people who come over!
The rest of the day was really quite wonderful. I was able to get quite a few tasks done that I have had on my to do list for a long time now. And on top of that I spent a good chunk of the morning playing with the littlest two kids. We really had a lot of fun, reading books, stacking blocks, and laughing together. I stayed present with myself and them. In the afternoon I took care of myself by going to the Gym and walking for a half hour. That was the second day in a row, and if I can get through the snow that's falling I'm gonna try to go today as well.
I am going to focus going forward on not worrying what others think of me. I have my life, and my choices, and I do not have to justify them to anyone. Yet I feel so self conscious about my choices, and life, and I am so worried about what other people might be thinking, that I volunteer information that is really no one else's business. They didn't set out to be nosy, I just offer it and hope that it keeps them from thinking badly of me. It's probably really annoying from their point of view, but they are kind and say nothing. I really have to get over that because I'm going to be in a really miserable existence if I keep this up.
So that's going to be a big focus for me in this new year. I'm allowed to take time to have fun, and it has nothing to do with what others think of me! I do it because it's what is good for me, and by extension, my family! I'm allowed to wait a bit longer to wash the dishes so that I can watch a TV show that I like or go to the gym. If the house is not spotless, I don't have to make apologies or excuses to people who come over!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Day 87
I am worthy of play time. I am discovering that as I allow myself to indulge in play time, I am becoming more and more aware of the kids' need for play time and - more significantly for me - play time with me. When they come to me asking for time with me, I am feeling less hostile in my reaction and a bit more willing to play with them. As I fill my own need for recreation, it is easier to be aware of their need for time spent together playing, and be happy to fill it.
I spent a huge amount of time today filling my own need for fun, and yet I found it even easier than yesterday to give them my attention and affection. I was willing to read a story with Jaden and Zoe, and not minding that we took our time about it. Flipping back to the pages that Zoe liked best, not trying to read it the way a grownup would, in order, one page at a time, but the way a baby does, what is most interesting all the time. I really enjoyed it and look back on it with happiness. I am going to keep working on letting go of guilt about playing, and having fun for my own sake. No more guilt about watching tv and taking time for myself. When I can fill my own need for fun, then I will have the energy available to give them the attention with play time that they need.
I have a pretty large deficit in the fun time department, so I think it's still going to be a process about letting go of that guilt, but I am going to try really hard to get there.
Thank you Lord for the gift of fun.
I spent a huge amount of time today filling my own need for fun, and yet I found it even easier than yesterday to give them my attention and affection. I was willing to read a story with Jaden and Zoe, and not minding that we took our time about it. Flipping back to the pages that Zoe liked best, not trying to read it the way a grownup would, in order, one page at a time, but the way a baby does, what is most interesting all the time. I really enjoyed it and look back on it with happiness. I am going to keep working on letting go of guilt about playing, and having fun for my own sake. No more guilt about watching tv and taking time for myself. When I can fill my own need for fun, then I will have the energy available to give them the attention with play time that they need.
I have a pretty large deficit in the fun time department, so I think it's still going to be a process about letting go of that guilt, but I am going to try really hard to get there.
Thank you Lord for the gift of fun.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Days 85 and 86
I am noticing that the last three days really have seen me sliding into the childhood mechanism I developed of isolating myself. I spent almost the whole day watching television shows on the laptop. Now the trouble here is that I am isolating and not staying present in the moment. I can't work on growth if I am not living in the moment. The other problem is that as soon as I notice this sort of thing, I get angry with myself for not working on my stuff, and sink back into self loathing. So I'm trying to rise above it all. I am OK I am worthy, and acceptable. I have this habit because of the years of feeling lonely as a child, and It's ok that it is hard to change that habit. I am still lovable.
I put huge pressure on myself to become healthy because my children depend on me to show them how to be healthy non codependent people, and here I am giving them a terrible example! I do want to change for their sakes, and using that as a motivations is fine...But I have to do this for my sake or it's not gonna work! I have to care about myself enough to treat myself gently and lovingly.
I am not a lost cause, I am not hopeless. I have God caring for me, and helping me every minute. I would not exist if not for my Higher Power, and I must honor that creation with respect and love.
This morning I began by making sure that I got a peaceful morning of getting the kids off to school. I was able to motivate myself (for my own sake) to get up earlier than I often do, to get the kitchen tidied and ready to make breakfast and snacks and lunch boxes for the kids. I succeeded in having a peaceful off to school time. That felt good.
I put huge pressure on myself to become healthy because my children depend on me to show them how to be healthy non codependent people, and here I am giving them a terrible example! I do want to change for their sakes, and using that as a motivations is fine...But I have to do this for my sake or it's not gonna work! I have to care about myself enough to treat myself gently and lovingly.
I am not a lost cause, I am not hopeless. I have God caring for me, and helping me every minute. I would not exist if not for my Higher Power, and I must honor that creation with respect and love.
This morning I began by making sure that I got a peaceful morning of getting the kids off to school. I was able to motivate myself (for my own sake) to get up earlier than I often do, to get the kitchen tidied and ready to make breakfast and snacks and lunch boxes for the kids. I succeeded in having a peaceful off to school time. That felt good.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Day 84
It is not an exaggeration to say that this meeting is saving my life. I am finding sanity through this group of people who are all trying to leave behind codependency. Thank you God for leading me here.
There is so much in my heart tonight.
I spent the day watching TV. I'm still not sure if the day went well for me because I am an addict falling off the wagon and enjoying my drug, and feeling in control and at peace because of the drug fix (TV); or if I was doing what I told myself I was, taking it easy and taking care of myself. I am fighting off a bit of a head cold, that had me feeling totally fuzzy headed today. I took the day off, and watched TV while the littles played near me. anytime that they needed me I stopped what I was watching and cared for them. I even got through some big tantrums from both Thea and Cirdan without being drawn into their emotions. I was able to notice that I am a separate person from them, and I am the parent who is responsible to set boundaries. I set the boundaries, and they push them. When I say no over and over to what they want they get mad about it. It's a reasonable thing to do. But my job is to acknowledge their feelings, not change my mind about my decision (assuming it was a reasonable decision). I can validate their feelings, and offer sympathy, but then it ends. Then I stick to what I said, and allow them to feel upset, and learn how to deal with the disappointments in life. I must control my children's environments, so that they will be safe and cared for. I cannot control what they think or feel. I can offer an example of how to handle tough feelings in a productive and healthy way. I can tell them what I think about things and situations, and pray that they learn good things from my input. But I am not God, I cannot make them do or think anything. That is so freeing!! I feel so blessed to be in a place of awakening about this.
Thanks Lord, I needed that. Please help me hang onto this concept.
You are everything I need, and I am enough.
There is so much in my heart tonight.
I spent the day watching TV. I'm still not sure if the day went well for me because I am an addict falling off the wagon and enjoying my drug, and feeling in control and at peace because of the drug fix (TV); or if I was doing what I told myself I was, taking it easy and taking care of myself. I am fighting off a bit of a head cold, that had me feeling totally fuzzy headed today. I took the day off, and watched TV while the littles played near me. anytime that they needed me I stopped what I was watching and cared for them. I even got through some big tantrums from both Thea and Cirdan without being drawn into their emotions. I was able to notice that I am a separate person from them, and I am the parent who is responsible to set boundaries. I set the boundaries, and they push them. When I say no over and over to what they want they get mad about it. It's a reasonable thing to do. But my job is to acknowledge their feelings, not change my mind about my decision (assuming it was a reasonable decision). I can validate their feelings, and offer sympathy, but then it ends. Then I stick to what I said, and allow them to feel upset, and learn how to deal with the disappointments in life. I must control my children's environments, so that they will be safe and cared for. I cannot control what they think or feel. I can offer an example of how to handle tough feelings in a productive and healthy way. I can tell them what I think about things and situations, and pray that they learn good things from my input. But I am not God, I cannot make them do or think anything. That is so freeing!! I feel so blessed to be in a place of awakening about this.
Thanks Lord, I needed that. Please help me hang onto this concept.
You are everything I need, and I am enough.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Day 83
Dear Tirah,
I know that you are having a tough day. It's OK that you were unable to post yesterday. Yes you could have worked harder, stayed up later, to make sure that you wrote and reflected on your day, But it's OK to do less than humanly possible. You are OK. You are enough.
I know that you are struggling with how the heck you are supposed to care for your kids while trying to care for yourself as well. It is important to do the best you can with those kids that live in your house, but I want to remind you that they are on loan, and I am in charge of them really, not you. Yes what you do affects them, but I decided that you would be their mother, and I knew exactly what you were struggling with and then I sent them to you "anyway" (really it was because it is the exact right thing for each of you). Please try to trust that I have not forgotten them, or you. They are in My care, just like you are, and you will all be fine. :)
I Love you, and that's why I created you. I love you all the time, when you are being nice to people and when you are not. When you are happy and loving, and when you are depressed and self-loathing. I'm always here, and I always Love you.
There was a little girl that I put on the planet Earth. She was given into the care of two wonderful people that I created. Those two people had their own hurts from their childhood. They did a great job with what they had. That little girl was a very important part of their lives and growth, and yes even healing. She picked up some pain and hurt along the way, and that is why I am here loving her all the time, and asking her to ask for help from Me.
Tirah, you did a great job being the daughter for your parents. Thank you for helping them to become better people by being their daughter. You are doing the best job you know how to for the children I put in your life. You are enough. I made sure they were there, because I knew that they would help you become a better person. I am taking care of the big picture, and I am taking care of the details. I know it's hard, I know you spent a lot of your childhood, in fear and uncertainty. I am here. You are priceless, and exactly who you are supposed to be.
You must come to know that I am here and I know what you are going through. I know that you feel rejected, because you are a girl, and all the images you have of Me and all the words you know for my name are those of a man. But I created men and women, both are images of me. It's ok for you to work on finding out about Me in a form that helps you to see and understand my Love for you, and your value.
Tirah, the most important thing, is that you know I am here. I am here and I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know. And you are enough.
I know that you are having a tough day. It's OK that you were unable to post yesterday. Yes you could have worked harder, stayed up later, to make sure that you wrote and reflected on your day, But it's OK to do less than humanly possible. You are OK. You are enough.
I know that you are struggling with how the heck you are supposed to care for your kids while trying to care for yourself as well. It is important to do the best you can with those kids that live in your house, but I want to remind you that they are on loan, and I am in charge of them really, not you. Yes what you do affects them, but I decided that you would be their mother, and I knew exactly what you were struggling with and then I sent them to you "anyway" (really it was because it is the exact right thing for each of you). Please try to trust that I have not forgotten them, or you. They are in My care, just like you are, and you will all be fine. :)
I Love you, and that's why I created you. I love you all the time, when you are being nice to people and when you are not. When you are happy and loving, and when you are depressed and self-loathing. I'm always here, and I always Love you.
There was a little girl that I put on the planet Earth. She was given into the care of two wonderful people that I created. Those two people had their own hurts from their childhood. They did a great job with what they had. That little girl was a very important part of their lives and growth, and yes even healing. She picked up some pain and hurt along the way, and that is why I am here loving her all the time, and asking her to ask for help from Me.
Tirah, you did a great job being the daughter for your parents. Thank you for helping them to become better people by being their daughter. You are doing the best job you know how to for the children I put in your life. You are enough. I made sure they were there, because I knew that they would help you become a better person. I am taking care of the big picture, and I am taking care of the details. I know it's hard, I know you spent a lot of your childhood, in fear and uncertainty. I am here. You are priceless, and exactly who you are supposed to be.
You must come to know that I am here and I know what you are going through. I know that you feel rejected, because you are a girl, and all the images you have of Me and all the words you know for my name are those of a man. But I created men and women, both are images of me. It's ok for you to work on finding out about Me in a form that helps you to see and understand my Love for you, and your value.
Tirah, the most important thing, is that you know I am here. I am here and I love you. I love you more than you can possibly know. And you are enough.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Day 81
Happy New Year!
New Year's Eve has been a mixed day, as most are for me. I began the day by going to the gym with my dear friend (where she has a membership), and trying out her exercise routine. It was fun, and got me motivated to loose weight and get going for the new year. Unfortunately, I slipped from feeling motivated into feeling bad about myself. I went from there to feeling bad about everything about myself. It really is amazing to me that it all comes back over and over again to that self hatred! It's so hard to overcome! I was aware if it for little bits at a time, and tried to change the tape, but didn't really have any success. I should have found more time for meditation, that might have helped. But then again, sometimes, it's just a bad day. But I got through the day and then we put the kids to bed, and had a nice evening hanging out with various friends and family as they came through coming and going to and from parties. We had some yummy munchies, and some Irish coffe, and had a good time.
I am learning more and more about re parenting myself. Somehow, (I'm still discovering the details) I never really grew up. I have to be my own advocate and defend myself when I am hating myself. It feels like it's too hard to be responsible for myself that way, and yet, I feel more free than I ever have in life. To be slowly really getting it that I am suposed to be happy, and that I am supposed to tell myself that I am valuable, that I am supposed to believe in myself, and my own usefulness. It's really so new, and unreal to me still.
I know that as I become a better adult, who has confidence in myself, that I will become a better parent to my kids. My struggle is figuring out in the mean time how to do the best I can with them. There are times that they trigger the little kid that I just angry and misunderstood, and then I really fail in the loving parent role that I really do want to live. I have to learn patience, and to let go of any illusions of control. *sigh* this is hard!
I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanageable.
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
AMEN
New Year's Eve has been a mixed day, as most are for me. I began the day by going to the gym with my dear friend (where she has a membership), and trying out her exercise routine. It was fun, and got me motivated to loose weight and get going for the new year. Unfortunately, I slipped from feeling motivated into feeling bad about myself. I went from there to feeling bad about everything about myself. It really is amazing to me that it all comes back over and over again to that self hatred! It's so hard to overcome! I was aware if it for little bits at a time, and tried to change the tape, but didn't really have any success. I should have found more time for meditation, that might have helped. But then again, sometimes, it's just a bad day. But I got through the day and then we put the kids to bed, and had a nice evening hanging out with various friends and family as they came through coming and going to and from parties. We had some yummy munchies, and some Irish coffe, and had a good time.
I am learning more and more about re parenting myself. Somehow, (I'm still discovering the details) I never really grew up. I have to be my own advocate and defend myself when I am hating myself. It feels like it's too hard to be responsible for myself that way, and yet, I feel more free than I ever have in life. To be slowly really getting it that I am suposed to be happy, and that I am supposed to tell myself that I am valuable, that I am supposed to believe in myself, and my own usefulness. It's really so new, and unreal to me still.
I know that as I become a better adult, who has confidence in myself, that I will become a better parent to my kids. My struggle is figuring out in the mean time how to do the best I can with them. There are times that they trigger the little kid that I just angry and misunderstood, and then I really fail in the loving parent role that I really do want to live. I have to learn patience, and to let go of any illusions of control. *sigh* this is hard!
I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanageable.
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
AMEN
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