Day 85

I notice that, for me, inaction leads to depression. Today I worked really hard and got all the kids (there's five of them now) to church. I had to work alone because Solomon was preaching for the very service we were attending. I did a great job, and I am very happy about that. When we got home I just wanted to do nothing, but after spending about three hours doing just that, I found that I had not enjoyed my sedentary hours, and in addition I was feeling lousy emotionally. Solomon was very kind, and when he asked how I was doing, he listened very compassionately while I expressed my feelings.
I noticed that I was wondering what the point of everything is anyway! I know on an intellectual level what the point of life is, but on an emotional level it was hard to care about anything. The house is almost always a mess, and managing to gather the energy to even want to clean it is extremely hard! It is frustrating to know that the kids really don't care about having a clean house, but I would really like a clean house, it would feel great to me to have a tidy and nice space to spend my time. But I lack the consistency to set rules about where and when the kids can eat, so that all rooms end up full of food all over the place! I'm not interested in making them keep their toys in only the toy rooms, but I really dislike dealing with the whining at the end of the day, when they have to clean it all up.
I know that this is the reality of life with small children, and I know that children grow up very fast. But the phrase that really resonates with me "the days are long but the years are short" is feeling like a bit of a curse right in this moment.
One obstacle is that while I know being active will help my mood, having a 7 week old gets in the way of activities. So I have to be patient with lots of time spent doing only infant care. Sometimes that mess sitting near him letting him suck on my finger while he falls asleep. So to pass the time I read books on my kindle app, or watch movies, but the I lose momentum, and when I could get going, I no longer want to.
I'm going to try meditating when I have those moments, perhaps in that sort of a state I can hang onto some of my motivation when I am able to step away from the baby. Well, in the interests of a good day tomorrow, I'm going to bed.