Today I screamed at the kids for being normal kids, bickering and arguing over toys. I ignored the distress of my 18 month old who is not feeling well. I compromised my ideals with medical care, so that I could sleep. I was a grumpy martyr that slipped into rage and uncontrolled selfishness. And that was all before lunch.
I thank the Lord that he kept me from physical abuse. I am also thankful that he strengthened me, and I had a few times of sensitivity and compassion.
We are sick in our house. At least most of us. We have had someone needing antibiotics administered daily, for almost a month, and since Friday, each child has needed a dose of antibiotics once a day, Cirdan twice a day. Thea takes them reluctantly, Cirdan only for bribes, Jaden (thank you Lord!) loves them, and asks for them (??), and Zoe has had almost none of them, because I have not found a way of getting them into her.
Zoe has had a fever, and has not slept well in I don't know how long. She had a fever for about 24 hours, then it broke, then it came back about 12 hours later. About 12 hours after that I gave in and gave her Tylenol. That might sound cruel, but I was giving her homeopathy before the Tylenol, which had been helping on the first round. The second round I couldn't help her with the remedies, so I gave in and gave her Tylenol, which I hate to do, because I ascribe to the concept that a fever is burning out an infection, so it's good to let the body do it's work.
Anyway I have not really slept even close to a good nights sleep in I think about 4 days. I'm very tired.
Solomon has been sick too, so he was not able to help me much. Today though he pretty much did all the useful or good things that were done, because I was either screaming at people, or watching TV. I want to know if I am the only one on the planet who goes through this. I can't imagine that I am, but am I in with all the child abusers? Or are there women out there who love being moms that still have days like this?
I really feel evil and bad. It's times like these that the temptation to leave comes in. Not because I don't love my children, but because I love them and feel like they would be better off without me. I know that's not actually true, and that abandonment is more hurtful than slight dysfunction, and occasional really bad days. But on those really bad days, it does cross my mind.
Please pray for me.
Please be with me Lord,
Amen.
