This morning, I was putting the final touches on the morning assignments, by helping Prof Thea with her shoes. I had been doing rather well all in all, I had done all my homework the night before, and given myself a great chance to have the morning routine go smoothly. It had up until the shoes....I didn't recall several things about shoes. 1. That Prof Thea had run out of dress code acceptable socks, 2. that she had also gotten a small cut on her toe, and 3. that she had bruised the arch of the same foot (in fact I never knew about the bruise at all). So I had to dig out an old pair of socks that had been passed down to Prof Jaden, and that she insisted were too tight. I assured her that I would stretch out the socks as I put them on and they would be fine (they really fit, she is just very sensitive, and doesn't like it when getting the socks on is hard). Because she knew she had no choice, she complied, but as soon as I began putting the sock on she yelled in pain and started to accuse me of hurting her. At first I did not react well, I got very impatient with her and did not acknowledge her pain. I had to send her to her room, mostly for her protection, because I needed a time out from her. I was in danger of forcing her to sit down while I put the sock on, and without her cooperation, it would have hurt her a lot. So she went to her room and stewed and cried. I went to the Kitchen and calmed down. It was VERY hard to do. I had to force myself to breath deeply, and think rationally about how I was behaving. I had to remind myself of how I react when I am in pain (just like she does, with anger). I was able to get ahold of myself, with the help of lots of prayer. I then went up to her room, and ate crow. I took all the responsibility (even though I had a thousand justifications in my mind) and comforted her about the pain, saying that I would be VERY careful as I put her sock on, and that she would find that once it was on it wouldn't hurt anymore, and would protect the sore spots on her foot. We got through it. It was hard. I feel good that I was able to do what I knew was right. But I will tell you the truth: I have given birth to four children. At home, without painkillers. This was harder. I'm not kidding. Right then, I didn't even have any sensation of gratification, or satisfaction in a job well done. I was just angry and frustrated to be blamed for causing pain when I had no knowledge of the injuries. Annoyed that all my careful preparation for the morning was thrown off by the outburst of a drama queen girl who over-reacts to every pain and insult. I know that I should be compassionate with my children, but somehow, it does not come naturally for me, and that means that I have to force the behavior when the feelings are not there. I just hope and pray, that I will develop some automatic compassion for them. Right now it is anything but automatic.
The rest of the day was fairly typical, dinner was frustrating, bedtime worse, homework was tricky but it was better than it has often been. I think I give myself a B+. I don't feel good about the process, but I think I did what I know intellectually is the best thing to do. I'd almost say A, but I got mad before I got myself under control, and the rest of the day had enough lapses to bring it down the rest of the way.
But looking back, I am satisfied.
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