Day 81

Happy New Year!
New Year's Eve has been a mixed day, as most are for me. I began the day by going to the gym with my dear friend (where she has a membership), and trying out her exercise routine. It was fun, and got me motivated to loose weight and get going for the new year. Unfortunately, I slipped from feeling motivated into feeling bad about myself. I went from there to feeling bad about everything about myself. It really is amazing to me that it all comes back over and over again to that self hatred! It's so hard to overcome! I was aware if it for little bits at a time, and tried to change the tape, but didn't really have any success. I should have found more time for meditation, that might have helped. But then again, sometimes, it's just a bad day. But I got through the day and then we put the kids to bed, and had a nice evening hanging out with various friends and family as they came through coming and going to and from parties. We had some yummy munchies, and some Irish coffe, and had a good time.
I am learning more and more about re parenting myself. Somehow, (I'm still discovering the details) I never really grew up. I have to be my own advocate and defend myself when I am hating myself. It feels like it's too hard to be responsible for myself that way, and yet, I feel more free than I ever have in life. To be slowly really getting it that I am suposed to be happy, and that I am supposed to tell myself that I am valuable, that I am supposed to believe in myself, and my own usefulness. It's really so new, and unreal to me still.
I know that as I become a better adult, who has confidence in myself, that I will become a better parent to my kids. My struggle is figuring out in the mean time how to do the best I can with them. There are times that they trigger the little kid that I just angry and misunderstood, and then I really fail in the loving parent role that I really do want to live. I have to learn patience, and to let go of any illusions of control. *sigh* this is hard!
I admit that I am powerless over others, that my life has become unmanageable.
God, grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
AMEN