Today was not very productive...There is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and I am out of socks...and yet I did no dishes or laundry.
I am trying to just be. Just allow myself to exist. I have been very angry with God lately. I have had a falling out about my own ability to choose my life. I know intellectually that God's plan is the right one to follow. I know that He has a better idea of what is going to be a good thing in my life than I do. This has been proven to me thousands of times over in my short life.... But I find I still have quite a lot of resistance to just giving Him total control. When He makes it plain that He is in control, (despite my best efforts to take it) I tend to react with a huge amount of anger! I really want to be able to make choices, and stick to them. To be able to decide what I want in certain areas and get to have that decision stand. Of course that means that God has no choice but to show me that I really don't have that control.
So like I said, in my intellect I know that God has a great plan for me, but in my heart I am really REALLY Pissed off! I don't like his current plan as it is unfolding for me, and I am trying to resist. That is a totally useless exercise of course, and only leaves me more frustrated.
So though I have been getting little or nothing done, I am trying to acknowledge my feelings and be in them, and aware of them, so that I can work on letting go and letting God be in charge.
I think I did a little of that today, not much, but a little.
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