Day 81

Yes I went from day 89 to 81, that's because I decided that if I'm gonna miss days then I shouldn't count them.
So I have been lost in the fog for the last several days. I am trying to come out of it. I don't really want to leave the fog, it's quiet in there, no voices to hear criticizing myself, and no reality to interfere with my pleasant fantasy that my life consists of other people's fictional lives. I have been watching TV almost non-stop for the last several days. That went from taking time to have fun and seeing that I am allowed to have fun, into hiding in it and not facing my life. So I'm trying to bring myself back to self awareness at least a little. I must get back to this post every night, because there are days that it is the only time I spend being present in the moment. Right now I am here sitting in my bed geting ready to sleep. I am typing and thinking about what to type next.
I have been in pain in the last few days, really trying to understand what the Lord has in store for me. Trying to trust that His plan is much better than anything that I could come up with.  But at the moment I'm more in a place of just angry and frustrated with unexpected surprises that I am faced with. That's why I have been hiding.
A friend gave me a phrase tonight that feels very appropriate, it was to remind me to "watch the show" my show, the show of me. Just watch as if I am an audience member, not judging or trying to change myself. It's a simple observation technique that I am familiar with, but calling it a show, is really helpful for some reason that I can't articulate.
So tomorrow I am going to watch the show.