I am noticing that the last three days really have seen me sliding into the childhood mechanism I developed of isolating myself. I spent almost the whole day watching television shows on the laptop. Now the trouble here is that I am isolating and not staying present in the moment. I can't work on growth if I am not living in the moment. The other problem is that as soon as I notice this sort of thing, I get angry with myself for not working on my stuff, and sink back into self loathing. So I'm trying to rise above it all. I am OK I am worthy, and acceptable. I have this habit because of the years of feeling lonely as a child, and It's ok that it is hard to change that habit. I am still lovable.
I put huge pressure on myself to become healthy because my children depend on me to show them how to be healthy non codependent people, and here I am giving them a terrible example! I do want to change for their sakes, and using that as a motivations is fine...But I have to do this for my sake or it's not gonna work! I have to care about myself enough to treat myself gently and lovingly.
I am not a lost cause, I am not hopeless. I have God caring for me, and helping me every minute. I would not exist if not for my Higher Power, and I must honor that creation with respect and love.
This morning I began by making sure that I got a peaceful morning of getting the kids off to school. I was able to motivate myself (for my own sake) to get up earlier than I often do, to get the kitchen tidied and ready to make breakfast and snacks and lunch boxes for the kids. I succeeded in having a peaceful off to school time. That felt good.
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