SO I could reflect on today in light of motherhood, or wife, or housekeeper. But I think I need most to reflect as myself. I have done a fairly good job the last couple days at being nice to myself. That doesn't mean being lazy, though it doesn't rule it out, it doesn't mean treating others with nastiness or being mean. What I mean, is that I have not been thinking negative thoughts about myself. I have been somewhat ignoring myself actually in that I have not taken time to internally scold myself and point out all the things I've done wrong. In many ways, I've just chilled out. I've been taking things one thing at a time.....I think.
I do feel a little like I'm just ignoring things, but I'm trying to stay aware of my behavior. The last two days at least are a blur... The kids will go to school tomorrow, and I'll find out if I can get back to my routine then.
I do in the end want to treat everyone in my life with love and kindness, but I think a big part of what I seem to have to learn over and over, is that being nice to myself, is really where I have to start. I have to trust that the rest can come later. I have been doing a decent job of caring for everyone's physical needs. Different medicines administered at different times. Trips coming up that have to be thought about, Money to be managed...it goes on and on and on and on and on....
I just want to find a way to keep in mind that everyone in the house (and the whole world for that matter, but I treat strangers very well) myself included, is deserving of respect and love. I want to learn to treat myself with love and respect. then I have to transfer that to the rest of the people in my life. The top priority is the younger kids, my kids, the ones I gave birth to. I look at the outside of it all, and think that I really should just automatically give them my best, and first love and care...and in some ways I do. But I treat them all too often as though they deserve no say in the matters of their lives. I complain that they interrupt me when I am talking, yet I do the same to them. I hate it when the pester me and repeat my name dozens of times, and yet that is exactly what I do to them! The problem is that it is not at all automatic for me to treat them any better. I tend to treat them the way I feel they treat me. The all too common misinterpreted Golden rule: twisted from golden to horrible in one simple step.
When they want my attention I usually don't give it. and yet I get insulted when someone doesn't give me their attention. I really need to figure that out.
