I'm not in charge. That is what I have learned this week. I will continue to learn this for many many years I am sure.
There is a joke: a guy is driving around a parking lot looking for a parking space, late for his appointment. He bargains with God saying: "Lord if you will provide me a parking space, I promise that I will start going to church every week, and I'll stop taking your name in vain! In fact if you will get me a parking space, I will testify about your amazing work in my life!" Just then a parking space opens up right in from of the building, right as he pulls up. and he says "OH! never mind, I found one."
This Joke is one that I always laugh about, and yet (or maybe because) it is me. I realize when things are hard. I complain loudly and often. I even go so far as to pray for help. And then, when things get better and I recover from whatever the hard thing was, I go about my business as if I handled everything just the way I should have and take all the credit for it. Or a least absolve myself of blame.
I treated the kids badly because I was ridiculously tired. That's true, but the conclusion is not that I can be forgiven because I'm tired. The conclusion is that the Lord in in control, not me, and that if I turn to him for the things that I don't have, then I can do the actions that are right and good, no matter how tired I am.
I am going to reflect at the end of each day for the next seven days on the ways that I am not in control. Hopefully I will start to notice in the moment (all the time) that I am not in control, and ask for help. Then when it is given, to give credit where it is due, and NOT pull an "Oh, never mind".
