I am focusing on ways that I am not in control. I am not in control of my kids attitudes. Cirdan was not in a helpful mood when it was time to clean up the toys tonight. We had two rounds of time outs, and in the end nothing changed. He was forced to do the task, because he preferred it to having yet another time out. But overall he was not a helpful young man, he was a stubborn little brat! I cannot control him. He is able to make choices for himself, no matter how much I may want him to change or be different. Nothing I say or do will change his attitude, at least there is no guarantee. Occasionally I may get better results from him, depending on my approach, but even then there is no promise that I can brainwash my little guy to follow my instructions. I have told all the kids at some point or other, that they really must follow my instructions without question, because it might save their life one day. They look at me like I'm crazy, while I worry that they will fall off the wall in the yard and break their neck, even though I told them not to climb on the wall! I worry that they will run into a street or parking lot and get hit by a car. None of this changes the fact that I cannot force them to listen to me. I can offer rewards, and punishments. I can pray that they are willing to listen. I really hope they can learn from my mistakes. I really pray that they learn to have an emotional maturity that I feel I lack. I pray that they will have grater ease finding the joy in their daily lives.
I am feeling guilty that I don't find grater satisfaction in my daily life. I am so blessed to have the wonderful family that I do. I have an absolutely fabulous Husband, who works so hard and takes such good care of me and the kids. Not just in a paycheck but in quality time spent with us, playing laughing, and talking. I have four beautiful children that are funny, cute, smart, and enlightening. And yet I seem to forget every five minutes or so, just how wonderful they are! Caring for them does not seem lately to lead to a sense of satisfaction, and success. I complete tasks, only to have to turn around and do them again ten minutes later. It is very hard to find fulfillment in that.
