Well, I just seem to spring back and forth. Today was productive but stressful. Solomon and I had very different experiences of the day. Solomon's parents came for a visit and through then I was having a lovely day, but somehow afterward my mood changed.
I remember feeling lonely when Solomon went to work on things upstairs when I was cleaning the kitchen. Maybe that was the beginning. We had a miscommunication about the kids watching TV. I thought he wanted to not turn on the TV at all today, and he just had meant that one time I was about to suggest it. I at one point tried to express my frustration with that policy on a day when we are preparing for a trip, but somehow the misunderstanding did not come to light. I was feeling frustrated with the kids, and wishing to turn on the TV, and feeling more and more lonely, and more and more resentful about Solomon's request. I finally expressed my anger to him, and he was completely surprised that I was upset about anything at all. He was having a lovely busy day, and didn't realize at all that I was not happy. We had a big argument and then let it drop, continuing with the tasks at hand to get ready for our trip. After supper, I was able to ask Solomon to talk more about it. It has been a long conversation, but I have learned a couple things. I need to work harder to remember that Solomon feels loved when I do nice things for him, like make supper and do the laundry, in other words, my normal tasks. How easy is that! all I have to do is my job, and my husband feels loved! Great right? Yes, as long as I remember that I am doing the tasks because I love my husband. I forgot that quite a while ago, and started complaining about all the work I had to do. That is the exact opposite for Solomon. Instead of feeling loved, he feels resented, and like I must think he's a burden. He tries to help by stepping up to do more tasks for me, and that only leaves me feeling more incompetent. Then I complain more, and the cycle goes on. Meanwhile Solomon was thinking that by helping out around the house that I would feel loved, because that is meaningful to him. I actually feel loved with hugs and kisses, and spending one on one time together. Things that we have not found much time for in the last week and a half at least. So after a long talk and noticing the things we had been doing wrong, I am feeling much better. The problem is that I have left Solomon feeling awful. I don't want that. I want him to feel happy and hopeful. I do love him, and I want to be in this family and in this life. It's time for some major prayer to find a way to help myself so that I don't burn out so badly. And that way I don't demand so much care from Solomon, and then, I don't freak out on him, and leave him feeling crushed. Help me out here Lord, what do I do?
Amen.
