So after a break of so many days it's hard to get back to this. We headed out to my dad's house for the holiday, and I obviously did no blogging during that time, so here I go trying to catch up.
I have made a commitment to Solomon and the kids that I will find support to do my job better. I really don't like how I treat the kids and Solomon. I am so up and down, in a moment I can go from fine to frantic, and I'm tired of it too. They deserve better.
My reflection is that I derive my self worth from the people around me rather than from God and from within. I must learn to see that I am not valuable based on approval ratings. Right now, when things go wrong, and the kids are mad at each other, at me, or in someway unhappy, I let that reflect on my performance, and then immediately feel angry and defensive. I feel right away that I have to find a reason outside of myself for why I am feeling angry and being mean to the people I am supposed to be caring for. I blame my circumstances for the way that I feel instead of knowing that I can choose how to feel no matter what my circumstances are. The trouble is that even though I can identify this, I don't know the first thing about changing it all. So I'm heading out to get help from those who have been there ahead of me.
I admit that I have a problem, and that it is making my life unmanageable, and I admit that I am powerless over it.
Please Lord be with me as I hand this over to you.
