I'm trying to articulate something, and I'm finding it very difficult. Re-reading what I wrote yesterday it sounded garbled and confused to me, so I'm trying again:
I have found out something really important to my future happiness and success. I have learned, at least begun to learn, that I am valuable because I am here, I exist. Because I am, I am precious. Descartes said "I think, therefore I am" I have discovered that "I am, therefore I am precious". I hope that this is obvious to you, but for me this really is a new idea.
Yesterday I did all the tasks that I usually consider worthwhile: Laundry, changing sheets, cleaning and de-cluttering. While I did my chores I was trying very hard to keep in my mind the thought that doing these things did not make me valuable. For the morning this was rather depressing, because I kept thinking that I can't take pleasure or satisfaction from these tasks, because that would be taking it to mean that they are the source of my value. Fortunately I realized early in the afternoon, that I was missing the point! What I noticed is that I should absolutely let myself enjoy my chores, and gather satisfaction from doing them! It is only falling into codependency, when I let getting those jobs done, define me and my worth! That is what I was trying to express yesterday, I hope this is more understandable :)
Today, I had a wonderful conversation with my sister about our childhood, and codependency. I found it really enlightening. It got me thinking and I came up with a new way of thinking about how I think of myself and judge myself. It's like I have had a set of scales in my head for my whole life, one side is my worthiness, the other is my unworthiness. Every time I did something I thought was good (chores, being nice to people, giving a gift...) that was a small stone on the worthy side of my scales. But every time I did something I thought was bad (being lazy, yelling at the kids, getting angry, not communicating well, forgetting an appointment...) that was a big stone on the unworthy side. In my mind I have done very little that makes me a valuable person, and lots of things that prove I am unworthy and useless!
But that is a complete lie! There are no scales. I am valuable, and priceless, just because! God made me and He doesn't make mistakes, He makes Angels. Only and always.
I have had a wonderful day! I am settling down for bed feeling good about myself and knowing for possibly the first time in my life, that I am loved through and through by God! The fact that I was not a perfect mother today, that I made mistakes, and wasted some time goofing off this afternoon, does not take away from my sense of value, and worthiness. That is an entirely new experience for me.
In the past I would be sitting here feeling guilty and unworthy, and making excuses for myself as to why it was understandable that I yelled at the kids when they were being noisy, and why it was good for me to goof off for that hour this afternoon. It's not even that I would be wrong in those reasons, it's that I would be putting myself into the victim mindset: I couldn't help it that I yelled, I deserved to take that time off because my life is so hard, etc. etc. I can be the master of excuses, and proving that I am not to blame; I'm the vicim of my whole life.
For the first time, perhaps forever, I feel free!
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