Day 71

Today I made a choice. It was a frustrating day.  One by one, we are all getting a yucky stomach bug, and Thea has just gotten it for the second time! This has left me in a panic that we will stay sick with it forever! caught in a perpetual illness cycle of vomit and headaches to eternity! I don't wanna!!! I want to be finished!

So that led to the choice to spend today cleaning the house. I almost completely ignored the kids, and tried to get a hold on the laundry and the kitchen. I vacuumed in the living room, did the dishes, put away about 12 loads of clean laundry, saw to it that the dirty laundry got sorted into colors, and ran four loads. I plan to out in one more load before I go to bed.

I got a lot done, but that meant that I didn't care for the kids at all really. This was hard on them, and made getting things done difficult. By the early afternoon, I was feeling really bad about myself and the decision I had made, yet very task oriented non the less. I was cranky at the kids, and that made me feel even worse about myself and my decision. It was only after the fact that I realized what I was doing to cope. I turned on the TV show Bones, and watched as I did the dishes. It meant that I was slower at getting them done, but it helped muffle the voice in my head telling me that I am a lousy human being and a mean neglectful mother.

Here's the thing though...I am not being bad to get the house clean and the germs eliminated! I am working hard to care for this family! For this day it meant that I was not being caretaker as top priority. I was choosing to spend a day getting caught up in the cleanliness of the household! I made that choice to help us all get well and stay well. But I feel like a monster when I am cranky with the kids, and having a drive to get so much done, really added to my monster-ish-ness. I get easily pulled into hating myself. It's really easy for the forces of evil, to convince me that I am a failure, and will never be enough or do enough.

I was trying to hang onto bits and pieces of self worth, and when I found a quiet moment to think, I was able to give myself a talking to (out loud was really helpful), reminding myself that I am enough. I might not be able to do everything, but I am always enough. That will always be true.