Day 77

I have been doing a good job of not medicating with TV or talk radio, or novels. I have had a couple hard days in a row, not feeling happy or finding the fun and joy in my existence. But I faced those feelings. I felt them, and acknowledged them. Sometimes I was good at loving myself through the feelings, sometimes I was not able to do so. But I did not hide them from myself or others. I have simply been existing. I have not felt like these have been wonderful successful days, but I have gained another perspective on them now. I am honoring myself for the effort it took to feel as much as I did. I'm sure there was more I could have felt, but I felt a great deal, and faced my feelings and acknowledged them in a way that I don't often do. I am feeling loving toward myself tonight. I am so grateful for this.
One of many things I became aware of tonight, is how I feel about and around money. I do not feel valuable enough to spend money on. I do spend money on myself, but usually it is with a heavy dose of guilt. As a child I developed an idea that my parents didn't want to spend much money on me because I didn't please them enough to be worthy of spending the money on me. My older sister who was helpful and useful to the family was worthy of having money spent on her, but I was an escape artist, who did all in my power to get out of any responsibility, so investing money in getting things for me was a waste. The other side of it was that I thought that when my parents did spend money on me, I should settle for the cheapest version of whatever the gift was, because if I was a frugal daughter, they would love me more. I look back on that little girl, and feel so sad for her. She completely misunderstood her place in life and in her family. Her parents loved her very much, and it had no relevance or relationship with how much she did for them. By not asking for more expensive things, she was not allowing her parents to show her the full extent of their feelings for her, and she could continue to believe that she was a victim of her life.
I was loved, and I was worthy of time, attention, and money spent. I am loved, and I am worthy of time, attention, and money spent. I can go back, and provide for myself the nurturing that I feel I have missed. That I helped deprive myself of.