Day 76

The day started earlier than I wanted it to, but that is not uncommon. I was up waaaay too late, and then of course the kids were ready to rise and shine at 6:45. So I started the day a bit grumpy. I'm trying to figure out how to start with a better attitude no matter what is going on. To have a positive tape running in my head under any circumstances. *sigh* I have been feeling like I would be happier if I could begin my day with meditation and exercise (I'm thinking things like yoga), but to do that and make sure that I get it, I would have to get up at about 5:30 am. I am not prepared to do that at this point. I would have to get to bed by about 10 pm every night, without fail. I can't count on that.
So I have to work to find something to meet my needs and fit within my life.
Taking care of myself is hard. Today I had a great conversation with my dad about self loathing, and how that manifests in my life. His insights were really helpful. I am going to try to consciously give myself permission to feel how I feel at any given moment. My attitude so far has been to observe how I feel, and if it is not a positive feeling, to try to change how I feel. I am grateful for the wisdom from my dad, that I could instead notice my feelings, and own them, and be OK with how I am feeling. To notice those feelings, and hold them, and not judge myself for them. I can be angry with the kids, and even track the source of the anger. But I can also just feel the feelings, and hold that in my heart; I can say to myself, "Tirah I hear that you are feeling angry, and I love you. I'm sorry you are feeling angry, it's OK and you are allowed to feel angry, you are still a wonderful, priceless creation."
I hope that by validating my own feelings I can nurture myself in a way that I somehow missed as a child. My longer term goal is to become a more nurturing mother to my children, and do my best to nurture them the way I was not.
Just so I remember: I admit that I am powerless over others, and my life is unmanageable.