I did some yelling today. I was letting the kids moods affect my own, and bring me down to their level. I need to stop loathing myself. I must stop letting my circumstances dictate how I feel! Tomorrow, I am going to try to find meditation time in the midst of chaos, and re center myself whenever I can.
I remember bits and pieces from today, but in many ways I feel like it was all a blur, and I don't remember what happened. I recall that this morning, while I had goals for myself, like a clean kitchen, I also tried to spend time with the kids, playing on their level. Playing sword fight with Cirdan, and reading books to Zoe. I was going to play Duplo with Jaden, but then the phone rang and it was the Pediatrician, and so I had to take the call. By the time I got back, the moment was passed, and the boys were determined to have a snack, so there was no going back.
In the afternoon, I got tired of the constant bickering, and arguing. All the talk-back to everything I said and did. I got really angry and yelled at the kids one at a time. I was trying to avoid it by sending each kid to their room for quiet time, but they complained about having to have quiet time, so I reacted in the only way a rational adult/child person can... I yelled at them, and as is always the case, it was the perfect way to react in order to make sure that everything got...worse.
But here I am anyway, at the end of the day, and the kids are alive and in their beds asleep. That is 100% due to Solomon tonight. I went to a meeting at 7pm, so Solomon was on bedtime duty. My meeting was my first ever CoDA meeting. It stands for Codependants Anonymous, and I really think this could be the help I've been looking for.
It's late I gotta sleep!
