Day 79

Hi, I'm Tirah, and I'm codependent.
This morning, I got very angry with the kids. I was yelling at them for just asking for my attention. It was again the low point that has lead me to try to overcome codependency. I want to treat them with the love and respect that they deserve. I was able (once I was physically apart from them) to calm myself. I became aware of the negative tape playing full blast in my head, so I very consciously started to overwrite it. I was reading a book called True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh (Tick Not Hon) this week, about meditation and mindfulness, and I followed an exercise from it. I started addressing myself as if I was still a child of 5 or 6. It was much easier to have compassion for the failings of a child who was throwing a tantrum, than to be compassionate toward my 30 year old self, who was being horrible to an actual 5 year old. By being both an adult and a child at the same time, I gained some great insights, that I have not had before. I am still trying to leave behind me the message I received as a child that I should be a good responsible girl and take care of my younger siblings. I didn't do so when I was little, and became the disobedient child because of it. Now as an adult, when I find myself in the position of needing to care for my children's possessions, I feel the same resentment.
See, the kids have toys that are not appropriate for Zoe, but they often fail to put those toys out of her reach. I, in the end, often have to step in to protect both Zoe, and the beloved toy. This gets old. Fast. I then stupidly, decide that the kids have to learn to always keep these toys away from Zoe, or lose them forever. I put the burden of perfection, and constant responsibility on them, at the tender young ages they are. I am simply perpetuating the hurt that I received.
I was able to talk to the 5 year old me, and express compassion for the feelings of hurt and anger that she had about being told to be responsible for others. I was able to acknowledge that unfairness, and agree with the desire to have the grownups help with the care of possessions. I was able to forgive myself for having a tantrum, and see that as a 5 year old, I was simply trying to tell others that it was too much of a burden for one so young.
I'm thinking in this moment, that I can express things like that now...as a child an objection like that would not have been heard at best, and have been punished at worst. Unfortunately, the fact that I am now expressing those feelings, simply passes on the hurt. By mothering myself today, I have gained a grater ability to be an adult now, and take on the task of helping the kids learn how to take care of their own things. I can even make choices about certain toys, if they are too problematic, I can choose to remove them from the kids toys, until Zoe is old enough to have them around, or even remove them forever. It may seem cruel to take away a toy, but if it is causing distress, and hurt, then it is better for it to not be around.
Anyway, I was able to salvage the day, re-record the tape, and stay in a positive self image place. :)
Thanks for listening.