Day 57 Grade:B-

Today was an experiment and observation day. I did almost nothing that I deem useful. I mostly sat and watched TV and knitted a scarf that is meant to be a christmas gift. I have been working on finding the value in me apart from the things I do, and provide. I was trying to stop seeing tasks as the reason I am here. I am trying to learn to love myself, and treat myself with respect.  I want to stop the nasty commentary in my head, and start saying nice things to me. I would never talk to someone I don't know with the kind of tone I use on me, and yet it's ok to be nasty to myself. It makes me feel less horrible about the ways I treat the kids. Yet the truth is that this afternoon, after a day of really trying not to be mean to myself, I found it was easier to have compassion and be loving toward the kids! I was very surprised to find that was true. I feel like I should try to be nice and when I'm not I should scold and chastise myself for failing, but when I do that, I move forward, in that mood, and end up being mean to everyone, not just me. So today was a successful experiment, but it also has me in turmoil at the same time wondering who I am and where I am going here. I'll keep experimenting, I think it might help me to find myself. :) I would like that a lot.