Day 73

My self awareness is growing, but my self value is still stunted. Today I basically stayed in the kitchen preparing for Christmas, but I did it without thinking. I was aware of my choices several times today, but all I managed to feel was guilt, and self loathing. I was trying to have a good and productive day, taking care of myself. I flubbed it. I'm not exactly sure why. I found the kids annoying and in my way, Solomon was very tired all day, and that meant that I should have been taking the lead on all child care, yet I only did as much as I absolutely had to.
I refused Zoe, who would come into the kitchen and raise her arms to me and vocalize in her adorable way asking me to hold her. I just couldn't. I was totally falling into the mentality of life happening to me all day today. Everyone was doing what they were doing, in order to make my life difficult.
This is so frustrating to observe myself still seeing my life in this way. I don't like it that I can be so controlling, and yet still see myself as the victim! It's so sick, and I want to be done with it.
I have sich a hard time finding that first step.
I admit that I have no control over others, that my life has become unmanageable. But again, how does that fit into caring for children?
I have to care for myself, and if I can do that then I can take care of others. If I live in the frame of mind, that I know I have no control over others, then I remember to care for myself, and change the only thing I do have any power over.
So today, I could have done things differently. I think one big thing I need to become more aware of, is my choice to watch TV on the laptop, while doing tasks in the kitchen. It numbs me, it mufles my inner voice. I can't hear my real thoughts so I can't make good choices. It really does act like a drug or alcohol.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I am not going to watch any TV, online or otherwise, for the next month, until January 24th. At that point I can re-assess and decide what I want to do.
I can listen to music, and find other forms of entertainment, but not TV. Perhaps this will give me some of the quiet space in my head that I need to hear my own thoughts clearly.
I have to find forgiveness for myself in myself. I am a baby at this, learning to walk. No one scolds a baby for falling as they are learning, so I should not scold myself either!