Hi, I'm Tirah and I'm a controlling codependent. I fell down today. Not literally, but I am sitting here in the same rut I have been in for years. Feeling lousy about myself and tired of my job. It was a busy weekend, helping family move all day yesterday, and caring for twice as many kids as usual for most of today. I have been battling a cold and sinus headache for days now, and the extra activity made it worse I think. It leaves me feeling frustrated, and off track with my growth. I have been told that illness is not the same as spiritual temptation. I'm not sure I understand that; but I hope it's true. If it is true then I'm off the hook, I can get well and then get back on track with becoming independent. But that sounds a lot like the same old me, blaming my mood and thoughts and feelings on things outside of me. I think that I am in a low point, that I will bounce back and feel better. I know that sleep is a good thing and will help me to feel better in the morning. Often the really hard days are followed by better days. I am familiar with the ups and downs that are natural to life.
My ongoing struggle is to figure out how to be a parent who is in a place of recognizing and admitting that I am powerless over others (including my kids) and that my life is unmanageable (and yet I have to take care of the money and school life, and play dates etc.etc.). I want to be in that place of knowing I am powerless, yet I am constantly bombarded by small people demanding that I fix things for them, situations they perceive to be unfair or wrong. I am praying that continuing to be aware of that conflict in myself, and just trying to stay awake about it, will lead to new understanding about it.
Thanks for listening.
Goodnight.
Our kids relate to us as gods. And it is true. We do fix things. We do direct their steps. We do bring punishment and blessing. It is the perfect opportunity for us to learn we are not God as we immediately and internally pass on our kids requests to God, and rely on His love and wisdom to direct their steps. I am not the best example of doing this, so, Tirah, my heart goes out to you and I send you energy for the work. You are noble, and you and Solomon are on the right track. And thanks for this journal. It is valuable to me.
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